When you’re a holier than thou blue collar guy but you’re also building a data center “I’m out here busting my ass 10 hours a day, six days a week to make sure NONE OF US have a future!”

If I was a small town police chief I’d be nervous as hell there would be a serial killer or a shark or some shit that would expose me for the inept fraud I am and my mishandling of the case would forever tarnish my legacy

mcconnell returning after weeks with a gigantic BBL

Paying my friend to call my job and say he’s my doctor at the Big Dick Clinic and to please let me know that they got my test results back and they’re positive

Calling a nerdy Chinese dude a Tiananmen Square

A win for England is a loss for the world 😔

Me watching a true crime documentary and they show the year and then the year scrolls back to like 1994: Awww shit let’s go

Called in a bong threat at work

If my dad was dissatisfied with a business or the government he would say it was “ran by a pack of Jerry’s kids” I had no clue who Jerry Lewis was or that he had a childhood muscular dystrophy charity. But I knew he had a friend named Jerry who had two kids and I thought he was talking about them

My steak is too juicy/my lobster is too buttery

Been listening to a lot of Australian true crime lately. They do it all backwards down there. The killer comes forward first and says that he’s committed a murder and then the police have to figure out who the victim is. This is due to the corealis effect

Man one time I was driving around with this super hot chick and we saw a dog running around in traffic and she was like “omg you have to do something” and next thing I know I’m chasing a dog around north loop in Austin, TX. Didn’t catch it. Couldn’t catch it. Knew I couldn’t before I got out the car

I think it’s insane that capitalism, a system whose selling point is a supposed magical ability to correct itself, can fail us miserably multiple times in a single decade but if you express the desire to explore other options that can be considered enough to hurt your chances of getting elected

People will say that capitalism is a meritocracy that rewards innovative thinking but that can’t be true because some guy at Venmo said “hey what if there was a public social feed that let you see who was paying who and for what in real time” and all them Venmo boys were like “that’s a great idea”

One time I heard a dude basically say that he used to be a real piece of shit when he was younger. He elaborated by saying that he was drinking “every weekend” and was even “considering” selling drugs. I immediately called the police.

Can a sparrow borrow a French fry? Now how is a sparrow gonna borrow a French fry?

They should probably ask that American in the blue shirt for a few pointers on how to deal with the heat

if you live in austin you should go to my friend's bar four five six on e cesar chavez, they have free cigarettes at happy hour and there is a wheel you can spin for 4 dollars for prizes ie a shot of malort (lowest tier prize) or 25 dollar bar tab (highest tier prize)

Also @peezytx.bsky.social is on their menu

I’m in the Spanish group chat at work and they’re having way more fun in there

As a white dude who uses lotion (big bottle at the crib, smaller bottles in my car and work bag) people just constantly make fun of me like “damn you jacking off like that??” 😔

I heard a new clip of Donald Trump speaking today. I hadn’t heard his voice in a few weeks and bro, that dude sounds like he’s about to die. Like pack his shitty diaper ass up and get him the fuck outta here. What are we doing?

I love when you meet a Mexican dude who’s name is just a greatest hits collection of all the top syllables from classic Hispanic names. Like my work homie Eustorgio for example. Absolutely crushing it.

Drankin Peezy’s at the homie bar

My hot take is that the whole “people are lazy and entitled because we gave every kid a trophy” bullshit was started as a kind of soft launch for taking away our social security. “Oh you want your precious ENTITLEMENTS???”

Young boy at work said Ben Shapiro is a centrist

Shit sounds like a Mega Man weapon that shoots ice

More like No Spurs No

if only @peezytx.bsky.social had had one

If you hear me say the phrase “man don’t worry about what the fuck I be doing” it means someone has accurately called me out on my hypocrisy

Weed is funny because it will have me feeling sad about D’Angelo Barksdale and then 5 minutes later I’ll get mad thinking about something Ralph Cifaretto did

What's wrong baby? You haven't touched your peach piss n fart cake.

Tim Dunk an’ Egg

Dim Tuncan

Album cover for a scary seeming band your older sibling listens to and then you finally play the album one day and it’s just ska

My hot take is that wanting a masculine leader is kinda gay in and of itself

I’m afraid that if I do too well financially I’ll buy that $40 gum off TikTok

Not a lot of fat CEO’s. Turns out they fall right thru the glass ceiling

“Are you in line for the bar?” Asked the usurper, attempting to deny me my birthright

Girl you well put together

Disney should make a Gaston simulator for weak men.

If I was on that show Alone and I could bring one thing I’d bring 350 Modelos

If I was on that show Alone and I could bring one thing I’d bring seasoning

No disrespect to the Spurs but I just got some new kicks in from notable Patrick and New York's greatest Knick Patrick Ewing

You May not like June 1st

I’m mad real like I’m angry about it

I hate this new breed of instagram comment section racists with the fire of 1000 burning suns

The wildest thing about Mormon dudes thinking they’re the prophet of god is that is that prophet is a global role that requires someone to be charismatic and it just so happens that the Mormon world is actually unable to produce someone who is charismatic to anyone besides Mormons.

Partially Hydrogenated by my opps.

Dog I’m smack dab I the middle of a 3 day weekend. I been hiking every morning and having a beer for lunch. Today I took a 3 hour nap. My lifestyle been getting real European. I’m on that Mediterranean shit right now player