Before I buy an audiobook, I do research to make sure the narrator is British because if I’m paying money for it I need the shit to sound legit

Just seen an acorn fall off a tree and hit a baby in the head

Stopped by this food truck as it was opening and I’m waiting for my food as the staff is arriving one by one and every time I look up there are somehow more employees in there and like at this point I kinda think they’re fucking with me. There’s straight up like 11 people in there.

I need this

Watching two cinematic masterpieces back to back tonight

RIP Llewelyn Moss

I will listen to whatever the Coen brothers have to say about a plan going to shit that involves a bag of money

Going back in time to blast a cig in 80’s

I bet heroin feels like that sleep after you first hit the snooze button

“I got warrants”

Watching The Truman Show and laughing about how badly they would fuck this up if they made it today

The young dudes at work was giving each other relationship advice and one of them said how a girl stopped talking to him because she heard a rumor he was a cheater and the kinda older dude said “who’s spreading rumors about you? See, that’s the thing you bro you gotta stop having friends.”

Me talking to HR about what my coworker Clayton said “No, I agree it sounds bad but he’s more of a Clayton supremacist if anything”

Sabrina Electrician

May tonight be a beautiful reminder that Regular People Hate This Shit #rphts

LMAO. No, thank you.

*conservative man who lost SNAP benefits & saw his health care skyrocket while his government sent billions of dollars to Argentina and Israel while building a $250M ballroom watches a Muslim man become the mayor of a city he’s never been to* “America is cooked, bro. This Country’s gone to shit.”

Turns out I’m the only guy at work who knows who Dick Cheney was

The Chair Company is how I feel when I research Lie, Cheat & Steal episodes

John Wayne Gravy

They gotta have a better, easier and more descriptive word than paraphernalia

Core strength offsets the effects of being fat

Crooked Union Guy

He is as the French say a “Libertardo” or a “Free Idiot”

Streep Throat

My high ass tried to read this as a sea shanty

This costume shit is easy

HAHAHAHA yo I swear to god I can fuckin hear Florida

Been hearing a podcast ad for some grifter ass nutritional supplement drink mix and am I tripping or is so much advertising now just chock full of fascist buzz words? Like this one was like “a healthy body is your birthright. Reclaim your birthright.” Shit sounded like the Sydney Sweeney jeans joint

One time some fuckin charlatan stopped by my grandmas old folks apartment and offered to do glamour shots for all the ladies but she just digitally added make up effects and made all those poor old ladies look like the chick from Weapons and I think this is gonna look like that

That Graham Platner shit fuckin stung because as a leftist who works in the trades I know that the right wing has gaslit so many of those dudes into thinking that you can’t be masculine and support even the most common sense leftist causes. I thought maybe this dude could change that but here we are

My two best friends are cousins and one of them has a dad named Chuck. Since the other cousin called him Uncle Chuck we all called him, and still call him Uncle Chuck even tho he’s not an actual Uncle to any of us. This is the kind of sordid shit from my past that had kept me out of politics

One of these days imma see if I can close my step counter ring simply by walking back and forth to the bar

The cool thing about class solidarity is that it’s also rooted in self interest. You can literally look out for your own best interests simply by caring about what happens to the people around you. Selfish mfs can pull up to the function too

I swear I just saw 3 old white ladies tangled in the leashes of what appeared to be damn near 17 dogs

If you got some sideways, goofy shit to say about people receiving SNAP benefits you can get absolutely fucked you bootlicking class traitor bitch

I’ll say it: Tim Allen’s obsession with supercharging every appliance in his home was psychotic and dangerous. I feel bad for those fuckin kids, man

I watched like the first two scenes of that Welcome to Derry show and it was straight up butt cheeks. Should I keep powering through it or is it a lost cause?

I like to listen to very dry and academic history podcasts when I work out but only so I can yell “shut up nerd” while I bench

Man I fuckin hate it here

Didn’t get from the previews how messy Julia Garner was gonna be in Weapons. I loved it. Yeah girl, get drunk in the car. Go talk to that kid.

Yeah I don’t know maybe throw a filter on this one?

AND ANOTHER ONE

Yoooooooooooooo I just felt a cold breeze. Let’s. Fuckin. Go.

Pointing a gun at a ouija board and daring it to fuck up my day.

“Yo Zan, get your boy dog” is still one of the funniest things ever said

Not only did Trump not release the Epstein files he’s building a $250 million dollar hang out room so he can throw parties for all his pedophile homies that are also in the files.

Just remembering that my ex who had a lifelong crush on Matt Lauer went to BAT for his ass when all that shit came out. Like you couldn’t even bring it up lmao

Among all the other things you can infer about a person who says they can’t stand rap music is that they also don’t understand friendship. Because rap music, at it’s core, is about hanging with your buds

Damn I hate a stinky ass little dude