Alec Baldwin drunk as hell asking Hilaria to do the accent tonight

Men are so lonely that you can pretty much guarantee you won’t get fired at a blue collar job simply by regularly asking your coworkers how they’re doing. At that point you could fail a piss after crashing a forklift and they’d be like “oh I can’t fire him or half my crew will jump off the building”

I just promoted myself to customer at my side job as a door guy at the bar that all my homies run here in Austin. I didn’t even really need the money but the chance to work at a bar that was owned and operated by all my best friends from comedy was too sitcom-premise perfect to pass up. 1000/10

My only complaint about the Bad Bunny halftime show was that he should have had an OSHA rated harness before he climbed up those telephone poles

If I was a priest I would have a side hustle blessing whatever liquid you got

I bet you nobody smoked weed on the island

Blame it all on my boots I showed up in boots And stepped on your boots With my boots

It's clear now that the brazen thefts of such world monuments as The Statue Of Liberty and The Sydney Opera House by arch criminal Carmen Sandiego were simply high-profile distractions to mask the existence of international pedophile rings.

I’m in the universe where Jurassic Park was actually a good idea and everything worked out fine and I’m at the hotel bar getting hammered on Raptor-Rita’s and I’m sweating bullets coz I put 12 grand on the Seahawks

I’m the human embodiment of an 08 Impala

I bought a different size ladder… …call that climb it change

ICE patrolling voting locations on Election Day means that they’re going to racially profile American citizens and detain them and not clear them for release until it’s too late for them to vote. This is their plan plain as day and if we’re being honest, their presence should be met with violence

I grew up on military bases in Germany and one time on a day trip to Italy my mom drove for an hour looking for a McDonald’s. My dad said “We’re in Italy let’s just get pizza.” And my mom said “They don’t make how we make it, Pat.” I love my mom but people like that shouldn’t be in charge

Fuck Ser Steffon Fossoway. All my homies hate Ser Steffon Fossoway.

A Knight Of The Seven Kingdoms goes so insanely hard

It’s still never not satisfying when it goes from “LMAO it’s happening to you!” to “Oh no now it’s happening to me!”

I have my share of classic male-centric behavioral flaws but I thank god I never turned into one of those dudes that peels out and drives away super fast when he’s mad

If you don’t understand that the true enemy of all working class people around the globe lies in the current iteration of the evangelical Christian church then you’re not paying attention

Super quiet in the work van to the job site this morning aside from the radio softly playing Miss Independent by Kelly Clarkson and the sound of someone’s work boot tapping along to the beat

Are you pro-Trump or anti-pedophile?

Man these little ass kids can’t read

Make my dreams come true? Why the fuck would I want to eat a bowl full of teeth while Santa Claus begs Buddy Holly to lick the sin off of him? Keep that shit in your head and let them die in the night.

Fun jobsite bit: seriously overreact to other people’s stupid jobsite bits. Homie just did the pretend-stairs crouch down walk behind a stack of drywall and I just loudly screamed “WHAT THE FUCK??!” Big laughs. We’re all having fun.

Good Cop/Fat Cop “Look buddy, you gotta help me help you.” “WHERE’S A GOOD PLACE TO GET A FUCKING SANDWICH AROYND HERE??!”

My idea political machine is boring nerds pulling levers in the background with a few pretty people standing up front to get the vibe going. The Trump model of wall to wall stupid and ugly people going non-stop just doesn’t seem to be cutting it

Normal people probably don’t do very well in politics because if I had been responsible for telling people to eat a piece of broccoli, a piece of chicken, a corn tortilla and another thing I would’ve immediately died of shame and embarrassment

I have a bottle of lotion in my car, in my bedroom, in my bathroom and in my tool bag at work because I am a white dude who regularly uses lotion but all the world seems to think is “damn you be jacking off everywhere, huh?”

The bar 40 feet from my house that sucks (the staff is very nice tho) is playing an AI hard rock cover of Many Men by 50 Cent

Girl you fine enough to start a gang war between two car clubs

Yeah I had an idea for a buddy comedy called 2 Crazy Bastards. It was about these two sons of bitches and lemme tell ya, they were fucking loco. Like you wouldn’t believe the coo coo shit these two motherfuckers we’re getting into

I like my beer cold, my media social and my monied influence dark

She let me hit cuz I know all the words to the opening theme of The Nanny

I have a bad habit of perusing the comment section on Fox News and these guys are breaking their brains over this one.

I think they’re running out of feasible names for medicines

What you mean they don’t sell cigs at Whole Foods??

Me to the cute girl also buying toilet paper: “You too, huh?”

I live pretty in the mix south of downtown Austin and there’s a bunch of cool shit super close to my house but there’s a handful of spots like *super* close to my house. Like 70 feet to a bar, a block to a deli next to corner store and man… all three of them are kinda ass lol

The new Sandwich shop/bar next to the crib is kind of trash and it’s a bummer because it’s so close

If you grew up broke and you think shit should be hard to broke people then I just think you’re stupid But if you grew up with money and you think shit should be hard for broke people then I think you’re evil

It’s actually illegal for British people to criticize anyone for anything

Get fucked you colonizing bitch ass nerd

Bout to smoke a joint, eat a gyro and watch this knight of the 7 kingdoms

Listening to this Dateline episode about this lady that killed her husband and everyone is talking about how drop dead gorgeous she was and how she lured and seduced man after man into her life. The men themselves are like “Keith, I was powerless against her. She was too sexy” so I look her up and:

Ran into a guy that used to come around who we now refer to as Butt Cancer. He seems to be doing okay

Shout out to Levar Burton

Walking round the function with tajin in my beard hair

A Redneck version of the Rick Moranis classic called Honey I Done Shrunk The Kids

I’m in a low stakes beef with a guy at work who’s simultaneously trying to paint me as a lumbering brute and a gay ass libtard. Like buddy just admit that you’re afraid you might get beat up by a socialist

She got a light skinned friend Look like Finn Wolfhard

Capitalism will really be like “hey sacrifice so much of your time to work that you’re too tired to cook your own meals” and then conveniently be like “oh also here’s a brand new industry where we send you pre-made meals that you can cook. It’s WAY more expensive than buying groceries.”