The Olympics are a place to celebrate people for a lifetime of dedication to their craft For the athletes, it's sports For JD, it's being an insufferable tool

Trump's approval rating with guys who scream "mashed potatoes" during golf tournaments holds steady at 99%

The point isn't to convince anybody it was really an accident It's to give the "I'm not racist but..." people cover to keep supporting Trump

"I'm waiting to see if the video they say Trump posted is fake" Are you waiting to see if he really posted it or if the Obamas are actually apes?

THREAD: Let’s talk about Roni, the outstanding raccoon mascot of the 1980 Winter Olympics …

I'm shocked that at one point he knew enough about the law to pass a bar exam

The Killers Don't even need a pun

My penis always points towards the closest Dairy Queen

🗣️🗣️🗣️

Confession time: I've told three different people "you're the best" today, which is obviously impossible

As a normal person Bitcoin was my only opportunity to invest in crime My advisor suggested a 80/20 legal/illegal split and I'm just trying to diversify

I don't really understand the NBA rule that every year you have to trade away half your team every year but I guess it's working for them

Let's focus on the 23 hours in a day I'm not committing crimes

It's illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater if at the same time you're taking the tag off a mattress

Sometimes I also post dick jokes

I've done all I can This is out of my hands now

Guys on Facebook posting "I've spent weeks honing this character prompt" and it's the most generic looking blonde guy with his shirt off

Please don't respond to my email I sent it just for the fun of typing on my keyboard I especially love typing the question mark character Don't want you to think I actually wanted answers to any of my questions

oat is stout but corn flakes

Just want to make sure I'm not crazy You guys can see this picture, right?

It makes total sense that someone who dedicated their life to hoarding power would turn around and use their position to give power back to the rest of the world

As a gullible person I'll still believe the next billionaire who tells me they're buying a news outlet to invest in it and expand it's mission

Why do we need news reporters when we can just ask Alexa what happened in the world today?

You planned on taking a nap on your flight and reading a few pages of your paperback? Too bad, there's a bald eagle sitting next to you You spend the entire flight trying not to resemble a mouse

Sometimes you do a good job and things just don't go your way and that's bullshit if I do a good job I should get what I want

What do we want? Proper accounting of children in federal detention! When do we want it? No--Wait, that's not what we want. We don't want any children detained.

I have now

February 4th, 2026 is the day the COVID vaccines active and millions drop dead

"We'll get you an answer by Friday at the very latest" Well, it's Tuesday I assume this means you're really excited to tell me the good news and you just can't figure out how to write that email

I do enjoy that someone in the Epstein files is using the old fashioned definition of "boner" unironically

Am I in the Epstein files? No Is my late grandfather? Yes (not really, just someone with the same name) At least one former boss? Yes

A man is nothing without a code and my code is 10 PRINT "BOOBS" 20 GOTO 10

...horrifying message without context, thank you

If I said I wanted to put any other utility in space they'd lock me up What about a desalination plant in space? OK sir, come with us

FANTASY WRITER: I've invented a new mythology based around a mysterious prophecy that has never before-- EVERYONE: Is it just a thinly veiled version of catholicism? FANTASY WRITER: ... yes

I just acquired my dog from myself for $100 billion I am now one of the richest men on Earth If you ignore the $101 billion in debt I now owe

Checking out the legs of the person sitting next to me because god said to "love thigh neighbors"

"Kid Rock" still going by "Kid" when he's 55 is starting to feel a lot like he's "Baby Billy"

Trump take elections?

I got that Woke 5G spike protein in me

JOB APPLICATION: Do you have any close friends who- ME: No JOB APPLICATION: Don't you want to read the rest of the question? ME: Not necessary

THIS IS NOT A DRILL Form up in groups of three and practice making relay throws Now that I think of it, this actually is a drill

Happy Groundhog Day, may your groundhog be succulent, tender, and perfectly seasoned

It's not fair to ask Nicki Minaj to pick her favorite pedophile

Congressman: If you donate $15 I can invent a time machine to go back to 2011 and convince Obama not to make fun of Trump at the correspondents dinner

If you want to feel like you've been punched in the gut for 40 minutes straight watch Armed Only With a Camera, a documentary short on HBO

Two problems with A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms: 1. It's too slow. Not like in a "setting up future plot" way, just slow. 2. If you take away the family names it's just a medieval show. There's nothing uniquely Game of Thrones about it.