I'm being handed a note from my producers *Reads* There's a Mr. Beast Shrek quesadilla

How could anyone named "The Mench" be a bad guy?

Grok, can a player run out of home runs during spring training?

Did I wake up too late to make jokes about Trump's lover being shot at Mar a Lago? Someone please wake me up when funny things happen

Someone had this voice note under the prompt, "Are you a dog person" on Hinge: Are you a dog person because if you are a dog person we can talk about dogs together I did not match with her

The man is trying everything in his power to get impeached and Congress won't take the hint He's crying out for help

"That is so satisfying, I would never get sick of seeing that" America white collar workers watching a video of someone in a third world county doing their 50,000th hour of a repetitive manual labor task

Found an absolute gold mine of antisemitism and insanity on Facebook tonight. Jews have an actual energy weapon and they're starting fires with it. Also Tesla, Trump, 9/11, Ark of the Covenant somehow

Found an absolute gold mine of antisemitism and insanity on Facebook tonight. Jews have an actual energy weapon and they're starting fires with it. Also Tesla, Trump, 9/11, Ark of the Covenant somehow

This is what happens when the only Jewish history the vast majority of public schools teach is limited to 1933-1945 (if that) and never actually covers, y'know, the millennia of European antisemitism preceding those 12 years

This hockey game is turning into an ass whooping Bring on the Canadians

The guy should have just started kissing Trump He should get some tic tacs just in case When you're a star they let you so it

Slovakia looks like they're killing their own penalty Zero pace Just hanging out

The US and Slovakian hockey jerseys are almost identical This is so confusing

Holy shit, that wipeout on the ski half pipe Dropped from 16 feet or so right on his ass Walking it off because these guys are absolute freaks

Trump Suffers Setback Unrelated To Child Rape

“It IS tricky to rock a rhyme that’s right on time. I made a list of some other words that rhyme with time: Crime, tim, crumb and time.” - Run-G.P.T.

I want to be a good boy

So we're 100% going to war with Iran now, right?

Nothing is certain in life but death of taxes

I'm sure the conservative justices told him if he calls them "freedom fees" or something he can keep doing whatever he wants

The tariff money should go right back where it belongs, to Trump's Board of Peace

yes, the wheels of justice are slow. agonizingly, excruciatingly slow. and oftentimes they miss or go off the tracks entirely. in fact most of the time. but occasionally, very infrequently, that big wheel of justice delivers theoretical remuneration for a handful of vested business interests

How could they do this to Mr. Trump on Whiskey Friday with Tony Dokoupil?

Running to the supermarket to see them lowering prices to account for the tariffs being struck down

Yes, the majority got it right but Three justices of the supreme court of the united states see no issue with trump creating tariffs out of thin air because other countries are mean to him

BREAKING: The Supreme Court STRIKES DOWN Trump's "emergency" tariffs. The vote is 6–3. www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/25p...

What's the "What's Hot Classic" feed like? This

I survived another night in The Pitt I need a drink

“The Board of Peace should be spelled B-O-R-E-D”

$70B is just a rounding error Don't worry about it

I have an idea for a show where a vaguely charismatic person goes to restaurants and eats food Someone call me to buy this

It ain't over until it's over

"Women's hockey? How adorable," is heard as a whisper from my decapitated head as it glides across the ice

That Matthew McConaughey/Bradley Cooper Uber Eats commercial is the kind of thing they should be doing to pay their bills after a decade of making low budget flops Absolutely humiliating stuff at this point in their careers

Taught a class on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion today, and every one of my students said they've seen content on TikTok that comes directly from it, without knowing before today what the source was.

Heated Rivalry (2025)

FIFA, the Board of Peace, and Gaza, this is like the Russian nesting doll of corruption Those kids will be lucky to get three soccer balls out of that $75m

Have we had enough rain? Join me at 2PM as I debate with the clouds

Okay I challenge u dialed.gg?c=3W3M7X

BLUE MOON: Ethan Hawke is hilariously short Listening to him be pathetic for that long is exhausting It's fine if you want something high brow

The only thing better than a sexy spy thriller is an unsexy spy thriller Give me a bunch of doughy normies who are laser focused on the job and don't have time for nonsense

"I can't wait for discovery" people on the internet when they learn that discover doesn't include an angel of god descending from heaven to make all documents and facts in a case open and public for them to read

The US shouldn't be murdering people halfway around the globe when they have so many people to murder back at home

Don't tell me "Starting a war in the Middle East is proof Trump has gone insane" like our last three Republican Presidents didn't do the exact same thing

Start working on your Doctor Manhattan, "The year is XXXX and we're at war in the Middle East" memes now

Brother, yes