This is why DuckTales Helen of Troy is the most mythologically accurate Helen of Troy.

I appreciated this Wired review of this chair that I will almost certainly be buying and also I love that whoever created this graphic knows exactly who this chair is for www.wired.com/review/amsea...

Wait, was Sam Neill the original sherbetter???

hey! I am Caesar and you betrayed me so here’s my last words they’re “Et tu, Brute”

Every few weeks, we'll go, "Let's have a chill day at home, no outings so everyone can relax." We have done painting, stickers, washed the toy cars, practised on scooters, Playmobil and a jigsaw and it's only HALF PAST FUCKING TEN. Fuck it, we're going out. It's too exhausting to stay in with kids.

7yo was in charge of Spotify on the way home and her picks were: We Are The Champions New Math (Tom Lehrer) Summer of 69 Champs-Elysées (Joe Dassin) Don't Let Me Down Chinese Five Spice (Horne Section) Acid Jazz Singer (Fratellis) I made an excellent human.

At my old job, about once a month, a colleague and I would warn everyone that we were going to the Spanish deli down the road. We'd buy a huge bag of garlic crisps, a tub of fresh aioli to dip them in, and 5 packs of breath mints, then spend a glorious stinky hour in the staffroom. I regret nothing.

Well that's me never sitting in the window seat again 😳

Rounding up some translations of Count Binface that have been appearing in foreign press 🇷🇴 Romanian: Contele Tomberonez 🇫🇷 French: Comte Tête-de-Poubelle (bin-head, more accurate than bin-face) 🇮🇹 Italian: Conte Faccia-da-Bidone 🇪🇸 Spanish: "un hombre con un cubo de basura en la cabeza" (!) Cont...

SCHOOLS! "The Big Green Books 500 Club" I started this last year. Amazing people donate £1 a week. I send a school £500 of books once the £500 is reached. Seven schools have benefitted so far! Email me if you want to be added to the list. www.biggreenbookshop.com/big-green-bo...

Years ago, Mr Zoe and I chose day trips to be forever excused from. I never have to walk the Seven* Sisters or the Hole of Horcum again, and he never has to join my family in Clacton or Walton-on-the-Naze. He very much stands by the wisdom and foresight of that decision. * There are at least 10.

Jesus, so now there's Farage, Laurence Fox and this twat. Did someone put up a cunt magnet in Clacton or something?

GUYS - I’ve just realised what Farage is going to do… The thing is he now has NO WAY to proceed which doesn’t humiliate him. If he wins, he is, as Rachel Reeves put it, The Man Who Spent His Summer Arguing With A Bin. If he bails, he’s The Man Who Fled From A Bin. And if he LOSES…

GNU Bonnie Tyler. I once rewrote the words of her famous song to "I need a murder" as a pastiche for my dad's birthday, about the fact that he only reads crime. But as I was writing on the train, I realised the stranger next to me had absolutely no context and was reading over my shoulder in horror.

Oh my GOD, the 90s TV show 999 gave me so many hangups. At various points, I was terrified of accidentally stepping on a bee hive or my dad falling asleep while driving.

For female/POC audio comedy producers: want some help entering AudioUK's Audio Production Awards? We're happy to help. Email us by the 31st July, please.

Count Binface is now my second favourite person with a household item on his head.

Hello friends. Can we do a mass report of this Facebook account? Intellectual property, targeted harassment etc whatever takes your fancy.

It really is *marvellous* that the only feasible outcomes of the Clacton by-election are: - Farage wins against a bin - a bin win - Farage withdraws and a bin wins by default

Can't stop singing this for some reason. youtu.be/FtbFvPt_ylc?...

This is how I find out that Fight Fiercely, Harvard wasn't satire.

American soccer fans disappointed in the men’s World Cup should join the rest of us next year for the regular World Cup.

You'll be glad to know that the famous Singing Bins of Stansted were on fine form this morning, here performing their excellent version of The Chords' 'Sh-Boom'

This morning, I scraped a bollard while parking on the school run. I suppose I should have seen this coming but nothing quite prepares you for your 7yo piping up from the back in her best sardonic voice, "Hey chief. I might be wrong... but I *think* we're driving into a bollard." 💀

It's been a year since I moved house, and I'm suddenly getting loads of spam emails from estate agents suggesting I find out what my house is worth. "You remember that incredibly stressful process that nearly killed you 12 months ago? Fancy doing that again for shits and giggles?"

*shaking my wife awake* KRAKEN HAS SUSPENDED WITHDRAWALS OF BONK

Remember it’s only KY Jelly if it’s from Kentucky otherwise it’s just sparkling lube

This. I'm sad to say I have boomer levels of inability to detect it, particularly when it comes to visuals. But I also want no part of it.

I've been lucky, so assuming I managed to not get any of the things I've been vaccinated against, probably in childbirth seven years ago. But I would have been an orphan by the age of ten. Eternally grateful to the NHS. 💙

Saw this ad for a goat on Facebook. It’s perhaps the greatest advert I’ve ever read. It’s just superb.

Absolutely this. I always *say* it's because I want to give back at least some of the blood my parents have been given over the years, and that is part of the reason, but I have two small children so it's mostly this.

On the fourth of July, 1980, about fifteen trans women went to one of the most upscale public swimming pools in Milan, took off their tops, and started lounging around. It was a Friday, and the height of the summer vacation, so there were plenty of families with young children around. 1/

“Can you explain this gap on your resume?” Yeah, IDK, it looked OK in Word but it exported weird.

Yay for him being awesome as usual but reading it in a sans serif font made my brain hurt.

Thought of another fun exercise everyone can try: turn Bouba and Kiki (of the Bouba/Kiki Effect) into characters that fit your own tastes and interests

Pride month is officially over, I nominate “sloth” as the next deadly sin we celebrate

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

This is likely related to the fact that her current idol is Douglas from Cabin Pressure and she is trying to be as much like him as possible. So everything we say is currently punctuated by her making a sarcastic comment in her impression of his voice except that she's about as good as it as Arthur.

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ One milkshake to rule the boys, one milkshake to find them, one milkshake to bring the boys and in my yard to bind them 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

The toddler often sleeps under the blanket I had as a baby, so that's 38 years old. And my FIL made us a decorative piece from the wood from an old dresser which is at least 50 years old, possibly more. My parents still use the nutcracker my dad made in woodwork 60 years ago.

I am beyond excited to be supporting the incredibly funny and generally fabulous @vixleyton.bsky.social - don't miss it! 🦩 🍓

7yo's latest addiction is Crisscross puzzles. She was doing one themed on names and was excitedly telling me some of them: "Paul! Like Paul McCartney! Ross! Like Ross Noble! Alex! Like Alex Horne!" Once more very pleased with my own parenting. (Also please note the very TM-coded hat)

It was inevitable, wasn't it🙄 Of course the Telegraph would run with something like this👇 So let's remove some of the rose-tinted spectacles and also look at some of that data comparing 1976 with modern heat waves Because the 1976 nostalgia porn is wearing a bit thin at this stage 🧵1/23

Mum was in charge of the CD player at home and would get really into one album, play it on repeat for a couple of weeks and then find a new love (yes I know, the signs were there). She has eclectic taste so it included Patsy Cline, Eva Cassidy, Tom Lehrer, Russell Watson, Jimmy Nail & Black Sabbath.

Went into 7yo's room to tell her it was time to stop reading and go to bed, and instead found her in front of the mirror. She informed me she was, "practising raising a sardonic eyebrow." Excellent human, 10/10, no notes.

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

“You should try living in a hot county. It’s like this all the time” What part of me throwing myself into a canal, with a Calippo in each hand, screaming "KILL THE SUN WITH LASERS!” makes you think I want to live in a hot country, pal? x

And when you see THIS post, go get the bottle of water from the freezer that you've forgotten about, top it up and drink it, while thanking Past You.