Stuck inside because it's 100 degrees then holiday weekend stuck inside because it's 57 and raining. Love this for us.

it's cool that the president is trying to steal two billion dollars from my taxes to give to his pedophile friends and i'm supposed to like keep doing my job or whatever

As a guy with half a trillion dollars, I have lots of options: 1. Enjoy a 100% stress-free life doing whatever I please in unfathomable luxury all over the world with people of my choosing 2. Have 87 meltdowns a day on a website

There are many but I’ll go with Family Dog, the original version from Amazing Stories and the source of my profile pic. Annie Potts as a pissed off, over it mom ❤️

I fixed some plumbing today so that means I get to go to the brewery full of hot actual dads please clap

Just please no more chud safaris unless you’re actually coming back with them strapped to the hood of your truck.

fertility rate discourse is creepy and we should stop doing it

still not quite over the fact that i watched 15 year olds get sued for millions of dollars for downloading twelve songs and now we all have to accept AI slop because every tech company in the known universe decided that IP laws don't exist now that they're inconvenient for them

How do people watch morning television even in passing

I honestly feel like anything Amy writes is worth reading, so do that here:

Sometimes you’ve had your phone so long you don’t realize how rancid it really was until you get a new one. Oh my god literally everything is so much faster. You had a good run, iPhone SE 2020. Rest well.

This is neat, but how did you figure it out and how many puncture wounds do you have?

Epidemiologists Confirm First Airborne Transmission Of Mar-A-Lago Face https://theonion.com/epidemiologists-confirm-first-airborne-transmission-of-mar-a-lago-face-2/

Animal feed provided by Stomp Clap Hay

Criticizing Israel and its behavior and policies, even very sharply, isn’t bigoted. Reflexively responding to any mention of Jews, Judaism, Jewish history or culture, or the Jewish community with demands to denounce Israel is absolutely bigoted and also unhinged.

Oh my goodness 2007 calling

Sometimes you can just hear a picture

In memory of Spirit airlines I recall the time I flew from Atlantic City to Ft. Lauderdale and our plane was late to board. The flight attendant got on the intercom to say we were delayed because “somebody threw up and we have to clean it.” Sometimes less is more.

anyway, fuck fox news, no one actually believes anyone on that guy’s follow list inspired him to violence, they’re all just rancid gossipers who got hired because of breast size or hairline

re: everything

It's time to build the ballroom For our Satanic Rites It's time to grope some preteens With the Epstein list tonight

How did I not discover the floor squeak screw kit before now? I’ve trained myself over the last decade not to step on one board in the hallway and I just fixed it in 2 minutes.

People here are being really shitty, including at fellow journalists who might have been startled just a moment before biting into a big fully dressed hot dog. Journalists who may have reflexively squeezed the bun and sent the sausage sailing across the room into the delicate champagne tower

Queeves is the name of my butler

i went to the everyone hates this guy and someone might try something dinner and someone tried something. i was wearing a pocket square. this is my story.

Happy Saturday night, all the worst people in the world are in one ballroom freaking out, I'm watching Simpsons from the 90s and drinking wine. I hope the pocket squares helped.

The WHCA continuing their glorified meet and greet after an active shooter and a death is really just so spot on for the horrendous sociopathic tendencies of DC political reporters that I can't quite believe it's real.

Nancy Reagan’s Herbal Tea Co

Who up messing with their (Unix) or (eunuchs) sounds exactly the same but means really different things

I hope Bob Barker had a child named Carnival.

This had me wheeeeeezing

Hi this joke is for me

I honestly can't believe this album is 25 years old at this point. It came out when I was in college and I distinctly remember buying it at Borders. I keep having these "I can't possibly be this old" moments. Anyway, it's a fantastic album. Even 25 years on.

My orange loaf

Crankin hog 😍

Oh I need this

There was a huge wasp stuck behind the blinds in one of my bathrooms yesterday so until further notice my house only has one bathroom

I miss Trevor Moore www.youtube.com/watch?v=faOU...

Kash busying himself with drunkenness is about the best use of Kash Patel. You don't want him functional.

So what I’m hearing is we just need to poison a few people and we get cheap burritos again…

In the space of an hour a car flipped on my block while dry and sunny out, then a house caught fire one more block up. This is way more action the I’m used to seeing in my sleepy lil hood.

With all this Confessions II talk going around it makes me think of when I got fired from a job in 2005. Confessions was in the CD player and I purposely drove home in silence so I wouldn't associate that album with getting fired.

Unserious people don't deserve the presumption of seriousness or respect. Hound every one of them like this. Bravo.

I'm at the deli. I'm at the central intelligence agency. I'm at the combination deli & cental intelligence agency.

It’s almost like a coordinated talking point went out on Red Cross doctor Jesus H. Trump.

I think another reason many Americans Feel Bad About the Economy: There is a constant barrage of information indicating to the casual observer that people who run scams and lie and refuse to play by the rules aren't just going unpunished, they're *making way more money than you are* as a result.