Clearly the president is hooked on a Phelan

JUST $25 LEFT TO GO!! i'm so relieved. you have no idea.

A thousand words right there

Really glad I realized I'm drinking coffee from my "Be nice to me, I have diarrhea" mug today *before* my on-camera job interview.

Bonus AWOOOOO #1!

Sitcom pitch: A normal Chicago guy's guy (Dan Butler: "Frasier") just wants to have a normal life with his wife who's way out of his league, but hijinks constantly ensue due to his relationship to his brother, Pope Francis (Enrico Colantoni: "Person of Interest," "Just Shoot Me").

Sitcom pitch: A normal Chicago guy's guy (Dan Butler: "Frasier") just wants to have a normal life with his wife who's way out of his league, but hijinks constantly ensue due to his relationship to his brother, Pope Francis (Enrico Colantoni: "Person of Interest," "Just Shoot Me").

Isn't Magyar another word for Hungarian? Like, is this the equivalent of Trump and the Republican party getting thrashed by a guy named "Pete American?"

I've actually been having a lot of luck by simply not reading any opinions from people who call Dr. Mohan "Samira." It's a rule of thumb that hasn't failed me yet.

Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeitto Hernekeittoooooo

I don't know why the egregious car commercials in Bones didn't bother me as much as the overt Microsoft Copilot namedrop in this week's episode of "High Potential" but I have never closed a television program and removed it from my "continue watching" list so fast in my life.

🎶 chatty white men FINNISH BISTRO 🎶

Favorite actors who fell into a time paradox and became each other's fathers?

Just got an ad to watch Wheel of Fortune on Hulu and was like "Goddamn, Pat Sajak has had a lot of work done." Y'all, it was Ryan Seacrest.

Bank of America deez nuts

Sounds like a man with places to go and people to see.

Me, listening to the broadcast of the moon mission: "Why did they name a crater after OJ Simpson?"

(Lou Bega voice) Ladies and gentlemen? This is Blindspot #5

When we lived out in rural Wisconsin, The Current played "The Box" by Johnny Flynn while we were driving into town, and we pulled over on the country highway for like 20 minutes until they told us what it was. youtu.be/XzknjC-DJt0?...

you, a naive fool: i do believe there are some things the nytimes won’t both sides the nytimes:

And then the follow up:

Think about this one like once every 45 minutes

AWOOOOOOO

Just realized a couple days later this implies I have two thumbs in my butthole.

What has two thumbs and no cancer in his butthole?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS RATTER

I aspire to the level of Suburban Brain Excellence required to start a physical fight with Jack Reacher because you perceive him to be in violation of HOA bylaws. www.theguardian.com/film/2026/ma...

The best jokes are the ones you have to think about for a second.

Fuck the government! I have bolt cutters.

Just biked in from the Quarry, and boy is my asshole tired!

Dickbutt Popeye isn't real, it can't hurt you...

Jesus, they weren’t bloody joking.

Do you suppose Mountain Dew Code Red isn't available at more restaurants is too many poor teenagers handing food to customers kept getting "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID" yelled into their faces?

Ten Things I Hate About Dune

If I had a nickel for every time Amy Acker went on an epic quest for divinity, leaving death in her wake, only to have it end up in a big empty room I'd have ten cents. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

God Mode, bitches

We're watching Person of Interest and also it's spring cleaning season on our self-help app so there's a whole lot of doing chores for Finch happening in our house right now.

Me: (turning an idol away from me) Baal's to the wall

I don't know why, but this past week I keep noticing people saying things like "you can't put the genie back in the bottle" but uhhhh... All you have to do is make three wishes?

I just found out a few days ago that my wife had never seen this, which whatever people don't see all kinds of shit on TV, but it does mean that they were *really* confused whenever I quoted it, which happened way more over the past 20 years than you would think. youtu.be/7u3Oy7Ki5Yk?...

Earlier I implied that I escorted yo' momma through the Strait of Hormuz. I apologize for the misinformation. Yo' momma's too fat for such a narrow passageway and whatnot.

"Talk to the hand, bench"

Designated farting-on-babies zone

A chronological summary of my thoughts while watching season 1 of "Paradise:" 1: This is good! 2: Oh shit, Gerald McRaney is still alive?! 3 This is *really* good!

I don't have high opinions of advertising as a career or anything, but holy shit these "Passive Progressive" commercials are hilarious.