Doctor one: He's failing fast. The heart is eclipsing! Doctor two: Partial or total? Doctor one: Total! We're losing him!

It can be hard to understand the thesis that sexual violence is about power, until you head over to X

Crying out that the hat man is in their closet?

I'm just going to go ahead and start blocking Gentiles who comment on Stephen Miller being Jewish. I don't care if you think there is some incredible irony going on; it's getting very weird.

There's a man who lives a life of danger To everyone he meets, he stays a stranger ... Stranger danger man!

Me: Time to rise and grind! (I remove my mouthguard, my jaw immediately resumes a clenched material removal motion)

I watched an episode of Taskmaster where they had to draw a duck and now I'm not sure they have ducks in England

Why do people say "Don't hold your breath"? I wasn't planning on it. I am not a pearl diver.

I like the AI-upscaled images of Leonardo DiCaprio showing up on YouTube that make him look like those dudes who vaguely look like Leonardo DiCaprio and have built TikTok channels around it

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? One …  … or two? One …  … or two?

This is just the plot of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

There is only one good Robin Hood film: www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDmv...

Me: I'm getting a tattoo of an anchor on my arm. My parents: What? Me: Yes, that one. (I show a tattoo of Angkor Wat)

Me: (trying to explain my aunt Constance's extremely specific taste in sweets to Sir Mix-a-Lot) My auntie Connie don't want gum unless you've got Bubble Yum.

A lot of people with Minnesota opinions who do not know the name of Paul Bunyan's dog

Robin Hood: I will fire this arrow. Where it lands shall be my grave! (He fires it straight up in the air. Coming down, it embeds itself in his forehead. Robin Hood: Right here, then.

Coco: Instead of me booking a massage, can you give me a massage for 60 minutes? Me: Those people have rock-hard hands. I have the hands of a child. These hands have never worked a day in my life.

I wish I enjoyed anything as much as my dog enjoys scrounging

Every time I wonder what happened to an actor I like, I look it up and they spent seven seasons on a television show I have never heard of

There was a moment in the 1981 miniseries Masada where Peter O'Toole, playing Lucius Flavius Silva, stops soldiers from catapulting Jews into the side of the mountain by screaming THIS IS NOT ROME, and it's like, yes, it is, have you not been paying attention?

Me: (having randomly decided to teach myself a Schuhplattler dance this morning) Why do my legs hurt?

like it weren't the whiskey what he were tryna savour

At the Eagles playing Bingo. Disappointing their menu does not include American eagle.

(To messenger) Go now! Tarry not! (Looking out the castle window moments later) This mf tarrying

If I see you use phrases like "cucks," regardless of your politics, I will assume you are too chan-poisoned to engage in reasonable debate and block you

The question I still have about A Christmas Carol is, do ghosts regularly bully misers on Christmas, or did they single out Scrooge for some reason?

Already March, this year is going fast

There's an event called Paint by Numbers Jazz Night, and I keep imagining it's the most rudimentary paint-by-numbers image possible, accompanied by a live quartet of the hardest free jazz you have ever heard

Led Zeppelin: We come from the land of the ice and snow Me: (Looks out window) Led Zeppelin: From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow Me: Very Minnesotan! Led Zeppelin: HAMMER OF THE GODS Me: Ha ha WTF

Coco: You might like this class, the Art of Brevity. Me: I would, but they failed to simply call it Brevity.

Watching Friday 13th: Jason Lives and … who paid for his headstone?

And just like that, I stumbled into the world of Christian novelty neckties

Before I had tattoos, I didn’t really get tattoos. Now that I have tattoos, I don’t really get people who don’t get tattoos.

Total disinterest in my newsroom thriller where there is a plot against the main character, Bury the Lead

Happy birthday, world! (As determined by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582, keeping the tradition of starting the year with a month named for Janus, the Roman two-faced god of doors, for some reason)

We kept our dog's name from the pound, Burt, but every day I regret not naming him Dorothy Barker

Me: But Jesus, what about when there was only one set of footprints in the sand? Jesus: (flying) Wheeee!

I remember when Hungry Like the Wolf would come on, with its ecstatic moans, and I would rush to the radio to turn it down so my parents didn't think I was listening to Synth Pop.

Apple TV is so utterly useless that I have been adding all the titles I own to Letterboxd just so that I know what I have and have not yet watched. This is a very big task.

Perhaps the most tragic character on The Sopranos

Want to eat the forbidden gummy

He also played a character in Cedar Rapids who was a fan of The Wire and constantly quoted it. RIP.

I don’t understand today’s music. When I was younger music was about things, things that mattered, like night lights and birdhouses and where peaches come from and bomp bomp chicka chicka.

Sad man: I am sad. Doctor: I have the cure. Go see the famous sewer clown Pennywise! Sad man: (Teeth growing) But doctor

French opera fan: I ave fallen een love! Friend: With a tenor? Opera Fan: Bettaur! A bas-e-ment strangular!

My brother’s sitting with a friend at a window table in a pub in Oxford. Friend says “Was that Brian Blessed in the street?” And then, right by the window: “YES IT’S ME, BRIAN BLESSED! BWAH HA HA HA!”. And then RAN away.

I don't know if The Client is a good film, but it might have the strongest cast I have ever seen in my life.

I didn't realize Klaus Nomi's actual surname was Sperber. We have the same last name, just German/Yiddish variants!

YouTube video: I watched a 30-second teaser trailer and I have thoughts (2:45:08)