Me, an atheist: Your holiness I stand ready to join the crusade against these heretics

Nobody has every considered the long-term geopolitical benefits of making the entire planet hate us simultaneously while becoming so untrustworthy and erratic that we are functionally worthless as an ally. Only President Big Brain could implement that genius program.

me: our cat is not eating dinner properly for days wife: thats right wife: we are v concerned me: thats right vet: who feeds him at what time me: me at 5 wife : me at 7 vet: Let me make a suggestion

Bottom-3 Devils season (post-1987 category). 0/10, extremely do not recommend

The Moon: oh wow you guys decided to come back Artemis II crew: earth’s haunted

It's true Fitz did both good and bad here. His big deals were solid in general. Like a lot of other GMs, he got himself in trouble by overpaying role-players and now overcommitting dollars to mid goalies. An ancillary benefit of his firing though is to cause core players to look in the mirror a bit.

yeah man i'll circle back to you on that agenda item from yesterday's all hands in just a sec. our pedophile king just threatened to destroy a whole civilization

I have a meeting in two minutes, can't wait to pretend I'm not vibrating with nauseous rage

legitimately among the very worst people to ever breathe air

they really said "they should have sent a poet"

This is appropriate because one more year of Tommy Fitz would definitely have me talking like Sephiroth

It is with great pleasure I declare an emphatic RIP BOZO to Tommy Fitz's GM tenure www.espn.com/contributor/... espn.com/app

[regains signal]: I had actually benched Cal Raleigh before we lost signal. This is bullshit, make sure the commissioner knows this.

Astronaut going around the moon: Uh, Mission Control, how is my fantasy team looking this week?

Love a team firing the coach with 4 games left. Lou still GMing the Isles in spirit

“the pharaoh’s tomb is cursed! the necromancer’s ring is cursed! the witch’s grimoire is cursed!” that’s how you sound. everything is fucking cursed with you bro. i don’t care. i’m taking this skull.

That loss probably takes care of any lingering theoretical hope

This is a fun game from a doomed team

It's a bummer that the #NJDevils only decided to play competent, entertaining hockey after the season was fully flushed because even though there was some sloppiness they again looked constantly dangerous in that first.

Thesis: You've been living high off the hog in your house that I graciously haven't burned down for too long. Antithesis: I burned down your house. Synthesis: Pretty ungrateful of you to be mad that I burned down your house.

what next? what, are we gonna provide *roads* for the wealthy too? gonna have health inspectors keep contaminants out of their groceries? are we just gonna have gutters and sewer systems around rich people's homes?

"i have two Microsoft Outlooks, and neither one of those are working." The Astronauts truly representing us all up there.

I'm not trying to be pedantic here; the language matters. Children of immigrants are not some special, weird category of citizens; they owe their citizenship to the same thing that the vast majority of the rest of us do. That's the point!

Masterful gambit, sir

Justice Kagan: Professor I’m not following, it has been clearly established that the kidneys filter water and waste into the bladder, which is directly connected to the urethra where it is expelled Ilya Wurman: yes your honor, but under English Common Law at the time, the pee is stored in the balls

Hooooolyyy shiiit

Nothing in the history of mankind has happened less than this happened

Devils Beat the Hurricanes Again in My Lifetime Challenge

Being owned on a deep spiritual level by the fact that Zacha would be one goal off the team lead in NJ

The only reason BlueSky even exists is that it's essentially Twitter methadone.

Someone emailed this link to the Devils' players and staff during the Olympic break and it changed everything: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goal_(i...

11 to go, baby

Gotta box out fellas

This should be an impeachable offense. I understand that we’re way past any of that, but that shouldn’t stop us from naming it.

Literally do not think I've ever seen this. How does this happen?

Sport is rubbish. Indeed.

Ireland noooooo

I'm very excited for the Devils to decide to win out and get to 98 points while the playoff cutoff lands on 99 points.

People have said it but Dems really need a Project 2029 that basically just amounts to a list of crimes this administration is responsible for that must be prosecuted. You're never gonna be able to keep track of all the graft and shameless corruption without documenting it.

Newark is Atlanta, Jersey City is Nashville

As long as everyone is posting classic baseball tweets for opening day:

Man, this one really hit the bullseye, huh.