20 minutes left on the clock and I'm still thinking about it. Is this good enough to displace a PTS 996.2 from the garage?

There's an urban legend that a Jew in Northern Ireland was asked if he was Catholic or Protestant. He said he was Jewish. "But are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?"

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, was present at the end of the universe, having witnessed every black hole evaporate and every proton decay. Even so, Death would not come.

I can’t believe they’re doing this to the only person on earth who’s won the FIFA peace prize.

as a christmas present I believe children should allow their parents one (1) unmolested afternoon nap without fighting or otherwise requiring supervision I would also like a unicorn and a billion dollars, which may be slightly more realistic

It doesn’t fix things, but it really does bring me comfort to know how miserable some of the worst people are. Donald Trump tweeting over 200 times on Christmas. Billionaires fighting with strangers online during the holidays. Everything about Elon Musk

You are either incredibly thick or the single best troll I've encountered in the last 18 months. If it's the second one, my hat is genuinely off, I'm very impressed.

And the sale is on! 20% off everything from now to the new year. I want to clear out the whole shop in preparation for 2026. oishiny.etsy.com 12 pendants in stock. 6 days left in the year. Get them now! #Handmade #Sale #DisabledArtist

Not one guest said anything akin to "thanks for working tonight" to anyone in the kitchen. Surprise!

If you're going to bring your knee-biters to a fancy ass restaurant to dine at the Chef's Table... 1) don't bring fancy uncrustables for them. 2) if you do, at least offer Chef one. 🤪

PSA: if you are dining at the chef's table in the kitchen, it is your responsibility to keep your toddler seated. Your knee-biter repeatedly running up behind Chef and tugging on his pants leg is neither cute nor entertaining, it's endangering their safety and mine.

Bless us, each and every one. The list returns! (And make sure whatever you use is clean, has a flared base, and is safe for...that. Don't end up on the list!)

Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Baby Jesus Skeleton https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-baby-jesus-skele-1851069460/

🎅My spankin' new Christmas Venn has arrived🎅

Cesar roadside has posted a couple of their Waymo field service calls. bsky.app/profile/anic...

Extremely funny to call the pope “holier-than-thou”

Discworld QOTD, from Hogfather

Look, I'm sure that Nolan's adaptation of "The Odyssey" will be fun, but I highly doubt it will be as good as the original.

Bluesky pals! I have a sci-fi graphic novel called DRIVE, & it's my favorite thing I've ever done! If you need a long, escapist read at the moment the entire thing is free to read, here: drivecomic.com (THIS PAGE: I’m The Captain Now )

[breathing a sigh of relief as I carefully remove the poison, hammer, Geiger counter, and radioactive source before helping Tiny Tim out of the box]

How dare you inspire me before coffee... The presents wrapped, Or just in flux, You think you know, But science ducks We are and aren't havin' Schrödinger's Christmastime

A special holiday thank you to Trump and DeJoy for fucking the USPS. My mom's gift that should have arrived last Monday still hasn't. It has however gone on a tour of middle America. HOU-->NOLA-->BFE LA-->Des Moines-->Oak Creek WI. Maybe it will reach Mequon by the weekend? Who knows.

Dear Santa, if you're swinging back through, a Ferrari Shooting Brake might fix me.

Ensign Ro was on a mission to supply "Extra LEGO pieces" to Earth when she encountered a wormhole and ended up in alternate 1980's New York, where someone assumed her to be a ghostly apparition, and who else were they gonna call?

Re-upping this because I'm feeling extra Grinchy / Bah Humbug sitting in my restaurant this morning waiting to get crushed by double our normal business.

Well, it's Christmas now 🎄

Last Christmas I gave you my heart. The very next day I was dead. Because I needed it.

You're growing as a person when you transition from being excited about a gift you've received to being excited for somebody else to open a gift you've given them.

Merry Christmas, y'all, Also, fuck this shit.

I see we've started on. Is it fireworks or is it gunfire a week early this year you assholes

Super rare CT6-V. Own one now before you need unobtainable engine parts.

Ready for Japanese Car Twitter to make the jump 🫡🫡

Merry Chrysler and Happy New Yorker.

7pm and the board is empty because the whole first turn is done is an eerie place to be mentally because you're like, "okay, now we can breathe," but you're about to get your dicks kicked in again in about an hour.

This is a lot of words to say that DOJ is in violation of the statutory deadline and will take even longer to produce records that were due last week.

By february these guys are just gonna be like googoo gaga

Street parked 30th anniversary Cocaine Spec

Just one more day until Christmas and the robots come for you. Well, twelve hours, really. Good luck out there.

Tesla has joined the bridge crew for Christmas.

This deserves 305,879,123 more views, wowowowowowowow youtu.be/f22vd9nfCOU

How I'm turning up to the BlueSky Christmas Party

A holiday classic from @ratscape.bsky.social!

Dogs: OUT Me: No. you just want to fight the owls again. Dogs: WHAT NO!!! LOVE OWLS!!! MUST WISH OWLS MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Me: At full volume? Loud enough to wake the neighbors? Who are my elderly parents? Dogs: IS NO OTHER WAY

Twas the night before Christmas When all through the house The air conditioner was running Because you live in the south

MAGA can keep their “alphas”. This is the way.

Pretty sure I just broke my big toe kicking a box in anger because my exhausted brain went, box of tallow, tallow = soft = okay to kick. Brain forgot tallow is rock hard at 35 degrees. I just kicked a 50 lb rock expecting it to be soft... I'm ready for the holidays and 6 day weeks to be over.

I've been interacting with some of my college classmates a lot recently on another platform and I always forget that they all call me Mike. I haven't gone by Mike since like 2000. I switched back to my given name, Michael, when I started my culinary career. It will never not throw me off.