Showing a true friend how you're cracking on with a mutual;

everything was filled with sperm, except the captain’s pantaloons pockets

not sending the text unless I get one single like and then I send the text.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Crimmis drop

Humbug

Can't wait to pull this on someone in 5-10 years

That's Christmas dinner polished off 😋

Merry Christmas everyone! Just a reminder that if you'd like some company today (or just to listen to someone who isn't your racist uncle) then I'll be live in 2 hours! Come hang out for a little Christmas cheer 👇 twitch.tv/geddstation

Big "Wouldst Thou like to live deliciously" vibes, and honestly from this person; fair.

I'm going to die

My least favourite things about Christmas are the obligation to buy gifts for arseholes I don't like (my family) and the projected guilt about not spending the day with arseholes I don't like (my family).

i had to drop what i was doing to make this

Now, to be clear, I'm not saying I ever outgrew the act of petty shoplifting, but I am saying hello new roasting pan just in time for Christmas

They put microplastics in all of nature that bore us. In our blood. Our brains. Our wombs. Out ballsacks. "But how can we put microplastics in the soul?" they asked, and so ChatGPT was born.

Comfy-Maxing. Snugg-Pilled.

Yessssssssss the Nigerian church who use one of the spaces at my work just bought us over a tub of Jollof each!

My 14-yo-son has recreated the climax of Back to the Future in gingerbread and I thought you should know.

Just spent £40 on cheese and upsettingly little of it is for personal use

If you ever doubt youself just remember that the Aldi by me has a beef rib in that's £65...

Very happy about some good news for a friend 😊 Unrelated, if you're into TTRPG's and Warhammer, you should definitely check this out cubicle7games.com/en_GB/warham...

Here's a reminder to clean out your washing machine filter if you've not done it in a while, so you don't have to do it when it's full of water because the machine stopped mid-cycle like this fuckin' chump...

I want to pull my whole face off

I appreciate I have what many may consider an... erratic sleep cycle, but can anyone explain why my eyes are dry, itchy, *and* streaming all at once?!? Also my eyelids are dry and flakey???

[adds another mark to the tally of times I've done one of my managers childrens homework projects because she forgot until the night before]

Morning

I think if one of my friends sent me a voice note, I'd block their number.

The only upside about discovering that someone's shat on the floor in the toilets at work, is discovering someone has shat on the floor in the toilets at work as you're leaving the building

Listen to CheapShow. It's good honest grotty fun with a heart of (somewhat tarnished) gold. Also if boardgames are your thing, check this out www.youtube.com/@LXBoardGames Also also, the Winkie ep is deserving of a full blown documentary.

This game did *not* have to do me like this...

Is Piers Morgan Miles Jupp's Wario?

Is a potentially awful Sunday worth a tolerable week?

[one single exhalation that goes on until I die]

how do you have a bedtime?

If anyone's looking to get out of a family Christmas I'm happy to pretend we've just had a whirlwind romance so we can both tell our own family we'll be spending it with the other persons family just so we can actually both have the day to ourselves with no bother. Hmu...

Worst cantrip ever

Guy at work keeps saying 'respectively' when he means 'respectfully' 🙃 I wish these things didn't annoy me so much but here we are

@zackpolanski.bsky.social come speak to our boy

The thing I've noticed is that when someone starts laying into Labour nowadays, you've *no idea* if they're right or left wing

When pronounced correctly, pot pourri sounds like something a puritan might accuse you of.

The spoons app should also do a wrapped

This is one of my favorite Taskmaster things ever and a great example of what raises it from a good show to a great show. There are so many clever and just very impressive little touches that are so go easy to unnoticed. From set design to music choices it all just works to elevate the whole show.

Antfifa

Why does FIFA have a Peace Prize?

All this has done is made me buy Horses

That'll do

Should probably come up with a 'Christmas Handle' , I guess

Poetry so powerful it can cause computers to break the Geneva Convention is one hell of a scifi novel concept. www.theguardian.com/technology/2...