John McGinn is the only pure thing left in football and he must be protected at all costs. Or at least until Scotland beat Greece a week on Saturday.

*Loudest outdoor voice* THIS. IS. ADORABLE. PLEASE JUST TAKE MY MONEY NOW, LEGO. YOU'VE ALREADY WON.

With all the Star Trek TNG Lego excitement, this seems as good a time as any to post the theme tune but it's coming from the Enterprise D again - a gag which is more entertaining that it has any right to be...

It's not like a Kennedy to flee the scene leaving a casualty behind

There’s no screening for ovarian cancer and it’s really difficult to spot: you can’t squidge your ovaries in the shower to check for lumps. Also it’s very good at masquerading at other things, like IBS and diverticulitis. Please take a look at this list of symptoms - and share if you can.

Holy fuck. The Lego Enterprise D comes with a Spot the cat minifig?!

Der kleine Prinz had surgery yesterday. He took it all in his stride, of course. Being full of drugs probably helped but still, credit where it's due.

The only bit of the Guy Fawkes story I'm interested in hearing every single year is that when he was discovered and arrested and his captors demanded to know who he was, the best fake name he could come up with was "John Johnson".

Guy Fawkes' signature before and after he'd read all the frankly hurtful gags about his shitey handwriting on Bluesky today:

Oh wow. Actual Mayor McMars liked an old shitpost of mine from back during Bluesky's Conclave era! It must really be him too; there are rocket emojis!

I'm mean, I'm no expert on the stability of perilously under-regulated global markets, but I think I might maybe perhaps know how we can fix this...

If he needs someone to manage his soshy meeds, I'm not not saying I'm the very chap...

I did it, gang! I took a decent photo of the Moon with a phone without a tripod! You can almost see Mr. Spoon. That's genuinely one of my tiny wee life ambitions ticked off. Not bad for Tuesday dinnertime.

This happened 1st November 2016 but I've only just noticed Hacker T. Dog isn't wearing a poppy. Shame on me, but bigger shame on him! WHY DOES HE HATE OUR TROOPS?!

Christ, he is supernaturally good at this.

He can be as sexy as he wants but he can never dethrone our King!

I just watched the John Lewis Christmas advert and, I'm just gonna come right out and say it: it'd be *far* better if, at the end, the dad whispered in his boy's ear "I love you son, but life was better when I was single, childless, carefree, and on the eccies."

Are your kids using Americanisms? Know the signs! Soccer = Fentanyl Faucet = Wet Fentanyl Drapes = Guns. And Fentanyl Gasoline = Petrol. To drive to the Fentanyl shop Closet = Cupboard. Full of Fentanyl Drug Store = The Fentanyl shop Station Wagon = Car full of gasoline to drive to the Fentanyl shop

Wait. Welcome to Derry isn't set in actual Derry?! That seems like a completely missed opportunity. Having said that, the first person Pennywise the Clown came across would have asked what primary school he went to and, having given the wrong answer, he'd have been fucked to bits with a claw hammer.

He's already freeing up housing and driving rents down and he's not even been elected yet. What a boy!

Stick a bet on a horse to remembrance our brave boys!

Anyway. Here's a picture of Bertie -the world's premier feline- to brighten up your Monday timeline.x

Yes. That's... Um... That's how phones work?

Back to work tomorrow (today now), gang. Alarm = set, gang The dream = deceased

I bought it on tape from Woolies' with money I borrowed off my big sister. A whole 200 of your earth Queenpennies, if memory serves.

He knows his core fan base, this cunt. You've got to give him that.

I can still remember every single word of the Knorr Stock Cube advert about Hamish's wife Elspeth going to see the Scottish stripper lads in Inverness. Do you think there's a way I could monetise this skill? One-man show at the Edinburgh Fringe maybe?

Dunno, gang. I mean, I'm no expert on exploiting racism for grifting purposes, but I'm not sure that, rather than focusing on the plight of the victims, publicly exhibiting glee when something utterly terrible happens because you've found a way to paint it as a 'gotcha' should be a successful look.

UK Garage? #GirlBandsForever

I think you'll find, upon deeper reflection, that my theory (that Britain going properly to shite immediately after Girls Aloud split up wasn't a coincidence), holds water admirably, actually. #girlbandsforever

Find you someone as happy to see you as the Egyptian Foreign Minister is to see the present the Danish Foreign Minister got him.

Okay, that was really good - even if it could've done without the final scene. As much as I hate to say it, Johnny Greenwood's score is astonishing too.

As a Berliner, I can assure you this is unlikely to be satire.

We're going to see 'One Battle After the Preceding Battle Which Came After the Battle Before That But Three Battles Before the Battle After the Next One Solve for (X)' later, gang. No idea what it's about but hopefully it'll be wall-to-wall cat hostilities.

*THEY* said it couldn't be done, but science did it anyway.

Oh. Your. God. I've woken up with lots of earnest political opinions again, gang. I just hope you all appreciate what I'm going through in maintaining my discipline and not inflicting them on you. Here's an emergency picture of Ted Heath skateboarding as a kind of methadone to my hot take heroin:

Laurence Fox wrote a song about Charlie Kirk, and this is the only comment on it.

Anyway, here's Bertie the cat sleeping for your #Caturday hashtag approval.

Dunno what everyone's bitching about tbqhwy. Seems perfectly Presidential and, moreover, serviceable to me.

Am I having a Mandela Effect moment or was Leo Sayer in a sitcom starring Edwyn Collins called West Heath Yard? There's no IMDb page for it? #TotP

Cargo pants were a big thing in the '90s but we didn't have enough superfluous stuff to carry about so it was just a waste of pocket space. Try explaining that to a lazy Gen-Z'er tho and they'll just ask you why you left the planet teetering on the edge of ecological collapse. Makes you think. #TotP

I'm sure I've already told my story about my pal being asked for money for "the cause" in an Irish pub in London and misunderstanding, thinking the huge, hairy lad was collecting for "the Corrs". So we don't have to do that again, thank fuck. #TotP

Mansun / Datsun. You've got to have a system. #TotP