They finally captured Phoenix legend "Penis Man" I'm ready to raid the county jail like it's January 6th to get him out. www.azfamily.com/2025/09/26/t...

Yeah I will totally "look into that" for you on a Friday afternoon

Post a concert photo you took

RFK Jr eats the potato chips with the weird green edges

Sorry Bluesky degenerates

Me in the Rapture later today

So happy that I got one of the first run presses of the new Between the Buried and Me album with the typo on the jacket #BTBAM #metalsky

Jesus is definitely teaming up with Hulk Hogan for this rapture. Which wrestler is going to join Macho Man for the tag team title and save us all?

First day of fall. Let's snuggle in the Casey Anthony sheets.

Rapture? I barely knew her.

The bartender at the Applebee's by my house when he sees me open my TouchTunes app

Oh shit, I forgot to fill up the bird feeder before I left this morning. This guy is not happy 🫩

Every single week after 12:01 p.m.

Reskeet with your mental state

If you own a Michael Vick jersey, fuck you

Brother, I can assure you that you do not want to explore synergy with me.

"If I am able to grab my rifle unseen, I will have left no evidence" You're supposed to tell chatgpt to make it sound like a human wrote it after it gives you a response like that. Amateur hour at the FBI.

That text conversation that the FBI just released feels a lot like chat gpt. Sounds like a business transaction. "Soon as I got to my vehicle"? Does anyone use that word?

The yellowish-brown tissues at the end of a box of Kleenex are cursed and I refuse to use them

Fuck it, I officially hit that age. I'm just pivoting over to bird content.

I think this bird knows that I'm watching him

my favorite cake pop is a corn dog

The meth really fucked up Pete's Dragon

Fuck it, time to buy tickets to a bunch of concerts so that I can be upset in 3 months when I have a social obligation

Nothing beats a JetGoo holiday

"See you at Valhalla" Which eye are you going to see him with because it won't be both at the same time

Incoming: The narrative will switch to it doesn't matter who did it, it matters how the left reacted

Hey media outlets, they did not "catch" the killer. The kids family turned him in. Those two things are very different. Law enforcement shit the bed here.

I am once again calling for stronger regulation of podcasting equipment

I don't know man, I'm really starting to think that it might be the guns 🤷🏻‍♂️

Gee, maybe it's the fucking guns 🤷🏻‍♂️

They updated the Brubaker Edge Sharpness Scale to correctly recognize Baked BBQ Lays as the sharpest edge known to mankind

Mine Geologist: Hey can you come do an inspection on this open pit we have? Me: Be right there

Insane that they've never tried to reboot the Seaman franchise

me every 3 months

Bsky feature that plays the Mmmbop chorus for when you’re blocked but it says MmmBLOCKED

Lunch and Learn?! Oh you want to buy me Panera and give me a sales pitch on my personal time? Fuck that, lunch time means I'm going to eat these chicken tendies in this dimly lit room like a goblin.

Oh wow is that Baltimore legend Ray Lewis? Remember that one time when he killed a guy?

The MTV VMAs on CBS

Yes food delivery guy, please put the food as close to my outward swinging door as humanly possible. Thank you.

These kids passed up the Lean to drink Sunny D? Nerds

Hey, hold all my calls between 9:00 and 12:00, I'm trying to figure out what I want to get for lunch

Sorry neighborhood kids, the economy is shit, so you're just getting the off brand version of these monstrosities this year

This new Igorrr album is definitely my most anticipated excavatorcore grindcore breakcore operacore album of 2025 youtu.be/N0OBF83rL-8?...

Alive or dead or whatever, isn't it insane that this guy doesn't have to do shit until 2:00 p.m.? Being president is his fucking job. Can you imagine if all you had to do was send one email everyday at 2:00 p.m. and you still somehow managed to be late?

I am also making an announcement at 2pm(ET) / 11am(PT). But it's just about where I've decided to go for lunch.