No drone footage during the curling match?

Come on guys, you can afford to take her out for that Triple Dipper at Chili's

Muting my own drafts

Damn, you guys are posting a lot of Epstein stuff. Must mean it's time for us to bomb some other country or kidnap their president

Gooter? Damn near killed 'er

Drafts? You just shitpost on the fly and hope for the best

No halftime show after the 4th end of the curling match?

We need a Hallmark Christmas movie about a mixed doubles curling team realizing they found gold with each other

Okay if we hit the Demolition Man version of the future and all restaurants are Taco Bell, can they all just have the same fucking menu? I'm tired of them not having the crispy chicken tacos when I go to order them

Super busy day at work? Make sure you doomscroll for the first 2 hours and make things even worse

What was going on in the Goldilocks bear house? Why wasn't the mama bear and the papa bear sleeping in the same bed?

Which version of TurboTax lets me commit tax fraud?

Fight Club reboot but at the end they blow up all the podcast equipment factories

Really hitting that point in life where I need to figure out if I want to get into model trains or buy a mini truck 🤔

Yeah okay Brian with a "Y", I'll get right on that

I need a mental health month

These artists write the kind of music that's played at a cop's funeral

I'm wake up with a random wrist injury years old

What tax form do I use to report all my earnings from being a paid protester?

Radical Democrat just means they can land a kickflip

Paying my taxes with these monkey NFTs

What's good for the gooch is good for the gander

Remember, you want a 5% drainage slope away from the head side of your guillotine. You don't want to have too much blood pooling at the base of the structure.

Crazy that this little shitty venue in Mesa, Arizona is always the best show of the tour according to the singer 🤔

The wrong septuagenarian keeps dying

That groundhog is going to pop out and give us 35 more weeks of January

Fuck oranges. It's too much work

Still punk as fuck he tells himself as he quietly congratulates himself for making it to the debit card expiration date without losing the card

Can't wait to see my Two-Factor Authentication Wrapped for 2026. I want to know how many times I had to repeat a six-digit code over in my head while I frantically switched from my email app to whatever other app needed the code

My Panda Express fortune cookie just said "become ungovernable"

Valentine's Day is coming up. Don't forget to make those reservations at Applebee's

What that mouth do?

I'LL DELETE YOUR POSTS TOO, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

You can make this about whoever you want it to be about

Using a GIF or vid, give everybody a sneak peek at your flirting technique! 😉

We were poor, so I didn't get to watch Garfield. I had to watch Heathcliff.

Kohl's cash me outside

Please see cashier

mid-life dino crisis

Sorry I need to reschedule this Zoom meeting. I ate too many Costco glizzies and I need a nap.

Your pet’s name in a gif

Putting a team together to go leave some upper deckers in Ted Cruz's house

Welp they closed the Arby's by my house. I'm now fully radicalized. Time to burn this country to the ground.

The 8th circle of hell is them tying you down and making you watch all the TV shows you told someone at work that "yeah I'll check it out"

Just bumped my garage door opener 250 miles from home. Time to turn around

I tell myself that I'm just going to have a nice chill ride on the peloton today, and then I see someone on the leaderboard in a group like #ChristIsKing and now I will explode my heart before I let them beat me

Pokey and Goo about to come in behind him

Subgenre of Bluesky butthole skeets just dropped