I am begging a democrat to run for president saying word for word “these people are fucking freaks and my cabinet will be made up of normal fucking people”

I can think of only one good reason to take Kid Rock up in a helicopter

Love David Cross.

Hear me out, seal protected bike lane

this is america. you could find yourself within 100yds of a shooting at any time, in any place. school, the grocery store, a movie theater, a block party, a public park… it happens to regular people every day. but this week we’ll get 50+ weepy op-eds because it happened to the guys who write op-eds

Swollen RFK Jr. Warns Americans Not Eating Enough Bees https://theonion.com/swollen-rfk-jr-warns-americans-not-eating-enough-bees/

Usha Vance Catches Husband Measuring Her Skull Again

BREAKING: Donald Trump meets privately with Kash Patel and Pete Hegseth to assure them their jobs are secure, amidst swirling rumors that they may be the next cabinet members to be fired. #KashPatel #PeteHegseth

Always the laziest of grifters. She was there 7 minutes. Skipped the actual working part of the event. I wonder how much her appearance fee was. www.huffpost.com/entry/melani...

Aesop: I TOLD YOU

I'm pretty angry at Fetterman, but at the same time I hope he gets the help he obviously needs. For instance - why put himself in that situation? He knows his cognitive issues from the stroke, and a press gaggle in a lobby would be the worst possible environment just for background noises alone.

Nothing that happens in this war matters more than the fact this is the worst violation of the Constitution in U.S. history, an illegal war crime Unless Congress impeaches Trump this weekend, and it won’t, then we are a dictatorship, full stop

“I was honored to have been invited to the isolated cabin where Savannah Guthrie’s mother has been strapped to a cot for almost a month,” said FBI director Kash Patel

Dog Must Make Split-Second Decision Whether To Kill Or Show Tummy To Visitor https://theonion.com/dog-must-make-split-second-decision-whether-to-kill-or-show-tummy-to-visitor/

It’s so funny to think about the fact that there’s people out there deferring every life decision to this

Drag him Jessica!

Man Who Lost Everything In Crypto Just Wishes Several Thousand More People Had Warned Him https://theonion.com/man-who-lost-everything-in-crypto-just-wishes-several-t-1848764551/

THIS is the last straw!!!

Two women trained as first responders were abducted by three ICE agents. One of the agents starts seizing. The other two don’t know what to do. The women jump into action and save the agent’s life, only to be re-handcuffed and processed. www.startribune.com/detained-by-...

This is quite literally one of the stupidest human beings alive

what a legend lmao

Dude always looks like a washed up time share salesmen at the beginning of a mid-day bender. A real Glengarry Glen Ross vibe.

I think it’s time to start treading on them

lmao

Look for the helpers. Faced with evil, watch for the decent people standing against it.

Beaver munching on cabbage: 🔊 #AGoodPlace Source: www.reddit.com/r/oddlysatis...

Definitely my vibe right now! Lol

If true this would seem to be trump admin laying groundwork to sacrifice some patsies. www.rawstory.com/dan-bongino-...

I just sniped a kid in Overwatch and he wrote "ohhh Kirked me" and I just found out they're using that as shorthand for a good snipe HOLY SHIT LOL

I love my two blackout drunk Minnesota sons

Who has made this 🤣

one of the coolest things about ChatGPT is how you can actually just never use it. you can fill your whole entire life with simply not once using it. it's incredible.

Be careful what you share, Ivanka. Some of us actually read the rest of the story.👇

These dogs were spotted taking a group photo in their Halloween costumes. We're impressed by the dog walker's dedication to getting the shot, but that ghost definitely wishes he could actually disappear. 14/10 for all (TT: franklinbarkzoo)

The irony here is that Davis tried to do something good and just screwed it all up from start to finish because he's wired wrong. Very Trumpian to blame it on staff. Kudos to AJ Rao and Ed Palattella for pinning him down and then following up with the inmate. www.goerie.com/story/news/l...

yearly reminder to people insisting that we view Christopher Columbus as "a man of his time" that *the people responsible for the Spanish Inquisition* thought Columbus was out of pocket

9 goons to yank a citizen out of her car at a school pickup line. What an absolute bunch of losers.

I don't understand why I see things so differently. I see a health insurance industry that thinks it's entitled to charge people 1/3rd of their income for healthcare. That industry shouldn't be "fixed." It should be burned to the ground and its ashes pissed on.

wizard frog is insane

WTF - it never ends with these people.

[writing the constitution] Benjamin Franklin: Write down "no dumb fucks as president" Alexander Hamilton: Stop saying that Benjamin Franklin: I'm tellin' you. You're gonna regret not writing that down

Becoming increasingly clear we’re gonna have to build a parallel infrastructure for all the media we really love. The reason all of this is happening under the color of law is hyperconsolidation, dissent being traded straight up for merger approval, or fear of harassment.

This Week's Onion Magazine:

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

Ooof. Not surprising though. This guy is so far down the rabbit hole his next move is to cheer on the Trump admin when they mistakenly catch up his wife in an illegal immigrant profiling raid. "All I'm saying is that she really does look like an illegal, and that accent- Yeah - I'm ok with that."