The Monster Mash, yes I would be dressed as Frankenstein stop ASKING

she should have been allowed to kill one guy per season

Yes king, yes!!!

I was working out in the living room tonight & Bep wanted to join in so he picked up my 12lb dumbbell (!!!) off the floor and started carrying it away

Philadelphia, you are the best

a man i would categorize as easily our most annoying and arrogant (terrible combo btw) employee retired at the end of the week last week & he has called us with questions every business day since

My dad's second-favorite band

Yes girl, yes!!!!

Maybe it will happen today

i know nobody wants more emails but i have to say being signed up for the Text Me Back newsletter is worth it if only for Lindy West's wonderful phrases such as: " the Supreme Court’s latest toilet water chugging contest (expected ruling)"

prayers up to anyone sending out Lunar New Year greetings before proofreading them & they're saying they're so excited about the Year of the Fire Hose

i saw forthcoming low temps in the teens on my weather app today, cannot express how unnecessary this is, basically a direct attack on me

this is who runs this account

Bep has to go to what is essentially a trial run/meet & greet at a potential preschool tomorrow, how can it be time for this already? Isn’t he just small baby?

Chadwick came running into our room this morning and tried to kool aid man through the window at,,, something, indeterminate at this time

Finally, some real colors.

peter claffey is 6'5"

🚨BREAKING🚨 dad just texted me to say he might be going to Tractor Supply Company tomorrow and asked if I’m interested in a “giant metal rooster for your front yard”

Folded AND put away my laundry in th same business day?!

Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…

So I headed down to the Tractor Supply Company to shop for pants, which was the style at the time

My dad went pants shopping at Tractor Supply Company today, will keep everyone posted

A tiny bald kid being my hypeman would fix me

you guys it's only 3 more weeks till we spring forward and we'll hate losing that hour of sleep but boy will we love that it's light outside after 6pm, oh yeah brother

Phone call from Mr. Fart

I’m in a meeting again

KINDLY FARMER: Come on inside, Dick. Martha has a hot plate for you. DON DRAPER: (shoveling a pile of manure) Thanks, Hank. You've taught me something important about the human condition. [later] BUCKTOOTHED RUBE ON TV: Dove soap can even wash the shit off my stupid country ass FARMER: what the hell

Rachel McAdams oscar nom for Send Help when

Robert Duvall you were so hot in The Godfather, thank you for your service

my officemate saw Wuthering Heights this weekend and i saw Send Help, we are not the same

i have 3.5hrs left in my workday and 4 meetings in that time, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers

this one's for all my seltzer-heads in the chat, the Polar Starfruit Lemonade goes hard

I have a digital picture frame on my desk at work and it’s almost entirely pictures of Bep dating back to 2023, & sometimes I’ll look up & take critical psychic damage bec the photo on the frame is from when he was like 14 months old:

welcome to the bathroom

It's Chadwick's tall cousin

How to build a nested list 1) Start like this A) Then do this Bird: I live here now 2) Make sure to get the bird out Bird: NO

the louder they say something is bad & they're trying to stop it, the more they secretly do that thing

crabby this morning because i've been tasked with helping handle our insurance invoices & a) i have no idea what i'm doing 2) it requires like two more things i have to log into and III) it's so complicated that there's a 10min tutorial video on how to do it but the video is on the old website

maybe i'll feel better when it's no longer completely disgusting outside

Basketball players are so wonderful

Joker: "I want the alien" Wemby: "Say less" Jokić asks Wemby to draw the alien after he signs his NBA All-Star jersey! 🤣

Go birds, rest easy Dan

Figuring out the cane bounce in DuckTales for NES and subsequently beating the game Also when my dad’s friend was visiting us back in the 90s & brought King’s Quest VI & I got further than he ever did in months in just a day, then the game crashed the computer. He was impressed though

I went to the movies, the jewelry store, and a restaurant today, I’m a cosmopolitan lady about town and I have cute earrings now

Thinking more about this and how I’d be completely screwed if I ended up in a desert island situation because my vision is so shitty

CHUCK: Look, I loved the Muppets and Fraggle Rock, but Jim Henson and those hippies killing all them people was wrong. SHAQ: I don’t care what you say, you look like Black Professor Honeydew. KENNY: [laughing] ERNIE: You mean Charles Manson, Chuck. Jim Henson was a puppeteer.

douglas adams was our most accurate futurist

Went out for some pizza in Greenville, Johnny weir wasn’t there because he is in Italy for the Olympics

YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A GODMOTHER? I'LL BE SURPRISED IF YOU SURVIVE BIPPITY-BOPPITY-BOOTCAMP

Send Help rocked, corporate life and the patriarchy are worse enemies than survival nut Regina George somehow