was making guacamole & got avocado on my Jabba the Hutt shirt

yo plant heads, my mom's potted snake plant flowered, is this a big deal? i honestly have no idea but she posted it on facebook so i guess it is?

i think it's important to tell everyone that i wanted to rot on the couch during free period aka Bep's naptime but i made myself go out for a run instead, now i'm eating some victory mixed nuts

Once again I gotta say the worst parenting advice out there is anything you read about baby and toddler sleep, it is just a goddamn hellscape

hey babe can you come pick me up. yeah im at the bar in rural france and a guy here is singing about how many eggs he eats

Can I have some

Bep has been waking up at 5am every day since the time change and I gotta say I’m not a fan

James and Bep are outside, time to be back on my bullshit

Spider Nightmare in Fart Cave

“Possibly the greatest #ThiccSix of all time” @mikegolicjr.bsky.social HE WOULD NOT BE DENIED

I tried to whistle over a stray cat in my neighborhood and a woman walked by, who I worried thought I whistled at her. So I said “im whistling at the cat” but when I looked back down at it I realized it was just an old fast food bag

it’s the freaking weeking baby!!

So wait Kumail is back on adventure time? This post is for like three of my followers

if I dated Lily Allen I simply would be a good partner to her and not get a mean song written about me

Tonight was a v chili crisp forward dinner

Friday night can check, this is a good one

Once a quarter my kid plays quietly with his toys and it’s like an angel from heaven has descended into my living room to save me from going completely insane

Once in like 1999 I went into a Gristedes to buy some cereal and milk and when I opened the milk fridge a fucking bat flew out, hit me in the face, and flew up to the ceiling (its home, clearly) and when I told the woman at the front she was like yeah, he gets trapped in there sometimes

Not only did I get the Wegmans run done, I also took Bep to the park and the library, heroic

pizza post broke containment and people were getting weird with it, had to delete

If I say this to Bep will he finally agree to leave the house because so far nothing else is working

one of those days where going to wegmans is going to be a herculean effort

nobody needs a billion $$.

Tbh this year the last two full work weeks before thanksgiving are going try to hurt me

Is he too young for the Bohemian Rhapsody scene from Wayne’s World? No way man

I have to pee so bad but I don’t wanna get up, when will someone invent the piss couch, the couch you can piss on

Have to pee but v comfy on the couch, need a piss couch

So excited for the Michael Jackson biopic

Guys I got this Calabrian chili salami at Wegmans and this shit fucks, Taylor is writing a spicy meat log song about it right now

For some reason I always forget what region of Italy my dad’s family is from and he reminded me last week that it’s Calabria. That’s right. Same as Strega Nona

i just want to lodge a formal complaint against the time change because my kid has not been handling it well and we are all paying the price

doc said my labs look good even though my "bad" cholesterol is one point over the limit, weaz lives to fight another day

Chadwick went viral lol

Not since June 18, 2023 has there been such a highly publicized question of whether a sub exploded

Subway Hero Dennis Duffy

again

sandwch guy is the gyro we need

When ur charging up your batteries

oh good, MY dad is going to see this for his 70th birthday, that's gonna go great

idk what it is but i never think that guy is Miles Teller. he doesn't look like a Miles Teller!!!!!!!! That should be the name of a guy who Niles is mad at on Frasier bec their names look and sound alike and he keeps getting Miles' order at the coffee shop

lmaooooooooo this is for real!!! god i hope at least 25% of my posts are rude

i love my mom, she takes care of Bep so i can work, but this morning i packed up all my shit, all his shit, drove over to her house, open the door, and she's like "i have a cold" and then was all annoyed that i turned around and left "he might not catch it! you can't keep him in a bubble!" BRUH

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

this looks like a trick daffy duck would put up to get bugs bunny into "the oval office"

sorry to my parents for always eating all of the toffee ones when i go to their house