Timothée Mallette

Next door's tree has been ever so slowly falling down over the last few days. The creaking wood combined with the atmospheric sound effects from the local gull population and haunting metallic groans and horns from a nearby building site make it feel like I'm in a surreal land-based nautical horror.

I have had to put on a cardigan. FUCK YOU SUN. YOUR REIGN OF TERROR ENDS NOW. Tears of joy stream down my face.

I knew I'd reached my maximum heat tolerance capacity when I happened to see a video of someone wearing a gilet and gloves and felt compelled to hurl a torrent of obscene abuse at my phone for showing such inappropriate images.

Hi guys! There are apparently sales on Redbubble, 40% off EVERYTHING! If you'd be ever so kind, check my stuff out! ❤️ www.redbubble.com/people/Jeffw... (especially that I missed out on two pay days because I'm an old fart who has gallbladder issues now)😑

someone explain to me if flat earthers believe the other planets are also discs, and if so, are they stacked at an angle towards us so they appear to look round? And what about the moon? Or do they not believe that planets exists at all? Are they just holes in the sky tarp or something?

Not sure what I'm doing but two separate (or are they??) algorithms have incorrectly assumed I can speak German. Sometimes it's nice not to understand the words though. Gives my brain a little holiday.

Last night (3rd July) between 10.50-11.30 my electric cargo bike was stolen. Black Pakyak E+ with a baby carrier. First time I’d taken it to town 🥹 . I parked it on the Plain roundabout near the Cape of Good Hope pub. Secured it with a Diamond grade lock. If you saw anything please let me know.

Be careful out there.

According to the BBC I live in one of the top 10% most deprived areas of England. So that's exciting news. If we ever move I might ask the estate agent not to include that in the ad. Good links to the city, railway, shopping & entertainment. DON'T LOOK UP THE MORTALITY RATES. Has off-road parking.

She was class in Futurama though.

The most wonderful thing happened this morning. I woke up feeling A BIT CHILLY. Feeling quite emotional now that I've been reunited with my big cardy.

I SAID

Exceptionally Needy Colleague was getting huffy that I wasn't responding to easily self-answerable queries yesterday. I explained I was working on an extremely complicated and time-sensitive issue. They responded with a sad face emoji and a request to fix another of their problems.

Just so you know. You're welcome.

Begrudgingly having to use Copilot today for work to cram a week's worth of data collation into one day. The links it has provided me allegedly summarising my data have so far taken me to websites for Walmart, an aircon manufacturer, GitHub, and the Cambridge Dictionary entry for the word 'skip'. 😐

Just had that infuriating experience of a guy assuming me making a joke out loud was his own internal thought process. No one reacted when I spoke, but this dude got a roar of approval and a handshake when he repeated it 10 seconds later.

Over the course of the last week I have bought and deployed SEVENTY-FIVE ladybirds to try to save my little tree from an aphid onslaught. As far as I can tell, every last one of them has buggered off somewhere else. I have found two freelance ladybirds roaming the leaves though, so there's hope.

It's rage.

I was responsible for this (it was literally my idea while I was Product Manager for Media Playout at the BBC) and it is still my proudest achievement ever

Don't wish to brag, but I've just had a swimming pool installed in my garden. #winning

Again, if you've liked the pictures I've a tip jar at ko-fi.com/HappyToast or you could sign up to patreon.com/HappyToast where all the pictures are plus the semi finalists who didn't make it, including Boy George.

The winner in my household is France. 🇫🇷 The 4 non-humans have communicated in their own ways that they trust me to decide on their behalf. (Three left the house entirely and one went to sleep before the programme began.)

#Eurovision United Kingdom

Sometimes I worry that I'm too boring. Then I check my drafts folder and have it confirmed.

The election results from my ward. The particularly depressing thing about this is that Reform came 2nd despite the candidate having done absolutely nothing to garner votes. No info online, other than their name, not even a photo. Thankfully the rest of the city seems to have done better. 💚

Note for those who find out they're affected in the same way as Ewa: I switched to postal voting because of my shifts, and all they wanted was a photo of a recent signature so they can compare it to the one I provide on my ballot forms.

Ok. Rude.

I don't suppose any of you has a spare £1,000 I could borrow by any chance? (the terms would be I'd repay £100 a month, starting on the next month from the star of the loan, for 12 months (a year). That’s %20 gain, which is not a lot, I know. No payment holiday) I'd rather a mutual than a rando too

My friend's mum, who I haven't spoken to in 7 years, sent me her results from today's NYT Strands puzzle. Of course I immediately completed the puzzle to work out the hidden meaning behind her unexpected contact. The theme turned out to be WEIRD STUFF. Is this it? Have I just found my nemesis?

This is still happening btw Get yer bargains!

If you know any cat-fans please do share this with them. I can do with all the members I can get!

Left the house at 4:30am, power walked into town (70 mins), spectated the choir, fought like a frantic salmon for 35 mins to complete an 8 min walk to the pub, got pint, downed pint, speed waddled 20 mins back to the next active bus stop, home 10 mins before my work day starts. 😮‍💨 Happy May Day!

[calendar naming committee] BOSS: we need a name for the fifth month ME: *raises hand* can i name it BOSS: i don’t know, can you

Early night = plagued with dreams about a cult performing 'purging' bowel surgery whilst Ronnie Ancona slowly forced me out of my own house with forged (poisoned!!) documents & at no point did I have enough phone signal to call for help. Awake brain is still UTTERLY FURIOUS. Sort your shit out EE.

I'm going to London (to buy Heat magazine) and because I'm a nervous nelly, arrived in town an hour early for my coach (now boarded) which in turn will get me to London an hour before I need to be. I should not be allowed to travel unsupervised.

Not sure I did too well on this week's willowherb quiz. Maybe next time.

I like to guess the answers to the random questions Google suggests based on your initial question. It's like a really shit pub quiz. My guess was 'human'. Apparently it's 'processed'. Pffft.

I keep a couple precarious sauces on the door to identify fridge-door flingers.

Happy St George's Day! 🏵️🐉🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 (Unless you go around putting St George's crosses up on lampposts. No happiness for you.)

This Is Just To Say I have turned off the AI features that were in the update and which you were probably hoping to monetize Fuck you they were stupid so unnecessary and so annoying

The tension is killing me. When will we achieve full connection??

We're in dangerous territory. I've had one cocktail on an empty stomach and a table of older people at the restaurant I'm in have finger whistled THREE TIMES for a member of staff (approximately 10 steps away) to come over to them. My outrage is through the roof. My confidence is alcohol-boosted.

Who doesn't remember Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito in the 1988 movie Twins?!

Damn it. Went to bed, worked on a crossword for a bit, cat came and snuggled up, finally ready for sleep, now my bladder's woken up. TOO LATE, PISS-BAG, WE'RE ALL FAR TOO COMFY NOW.

I have implemented a new house rule: Excessively boring questions will be vetoed. My husband asked me what kind of lightbulbs I'd bought for a new lamp. I asked for clarification, as I didn't understand what info he was after. "Oh, you know, long-life, etc?" I'm sorry, what?? No. Far too boring.

Some sensible advice for the crew of the Artemis II

It's been 3 years and 9 months since knobhead cat put his foot through the bathroom floor / living room ceiling. I've grown quite fond of the hole over the years, but I have decided the time has come to repair it.

So close.