More details including the exciting revelation that I have a driving licence here.

TEACHERS, LIBRARIANS ETC. I am available for school visits around World Book Day or, in fact, pretty much any time. I insist on the nastiest staff-room coffee available.

JOB(S) ALERT We're looking for TWO new members for the editorial team - send your application to [email protected].

Cowardly to only bring it up now he’s dead, but I - like many - was floored when I first discovered that the Driving Home For Christmas guy is (/was) from Middlesbrough. But he actively tricked us. “Top to toe in tail-lights”? “But soon there’ll be a freeway”? Mugged us all off. Anyway, RIP.

By the way, the episode of Would I Lie To You? featuring the episode where David Walliams reportedly did two Nazi salutes (which the BBC edited out and said were unacceptable) will be on BBC One on Boxing Day at 7pm.

As a former editor of Popbitch – and the proud owner of a legal letter sent by HarperCollins, accusing me of being "highly likely to cause serious harm to [their former star client]’s reputation both as an individual and author” – may I just say: GET IT RIGHT UP YE

I took precisely one singing lesson in my youth and absolutely hated it. But I will remain forever grateful for that hour, because the singing tutor introduced me to Tom Lehrer. youtu.be/WSwYID-u71M?... (Not this particular song, I hasten to add - but it’s a fun one that often gets overlooked…)

I think I know the answer already but Thank Goodness You're Here is a tenner on Steam this weekend. It's worth it, no? store.steampowered.com/app/2366980/...

“Ohhh disruptiano!!”

I’m hiring a reporter for London Centric, looking for someone smart who can use a phone, knock on doors and wants to cause trouble. Don’t care if you’ve got qualifications, just want evidence of caring about news. Initial six month contract, pay above national rates. www.londoncentric.media/p/jobs

So they *can* edit down sets without removing them completely…?

There is actually a very accurate historical document of the post-9/11 vibes. A clipart comic called Get Your War On. Click on through: www.mnftiu.cc/2001/10/09/w...

The lyrics to that Muppet sequel are a bit punchier than I remembered…

I wrote for the Guardian’s Saturday magazine about my son Max, who changed how I see the world. Took ages. More jokes after the first bit. Thanks Merope Mills for being the most patient and generous editor. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

“Look at my eyes, murderer. You killed me. What the hell did you do that for?!” youtu.be/46B4KFFQ85E?...

“For too long, your actions have gone unpunished. This ends now. We'll use drones and new tech to identify your vehicle. Then we'll crush it.”

That dipshit banjo player from Mumford And Sons co-owns a luxury cigar company - and it has the most embarrassing corporate copy…

Paw Patrol meets its toughest foe yet…

New Wet Leg sounds like it could have been on the second Elastica album. (If Elastica had ever made a second album.)

Tossed salads and price of eggs

Me firing up Wikipedia to explain how many members of Eurodance band Rednex there have been from 1994 to 2014

Genuinely historically accurate version: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D-Day_D...

These leaked national security group chats are wild:

(me making fun of your crop rotation idea and thereby holding our people back another 5000 years) jeff thinks the beans have to take turns lmao

If Trump was serious, he’d stop fannying about with the Kennedy Center and order the release of the fabled “Bumhole Edit” of Cats (2019)

RIPoo-Poo La La... youtu.be/r3wgbUebris?...

They should make a Beautiful South jukebox musical, starring Jennifer Aniston and Phillipa Soo

G7 On The Orient Express

Every so often I remember one of the earliest displays of Musk’s censorious nature was getting the Italian Elon Musk account nuked from Twitter. (“Ayyyy, I make-a da rockets!” etc)

We absolutely cannot let James Watt achieve his ambition of becoming a serious media figure. If he wants to carry on making pineapple flavoured beer, he’s very welcome to. Anything and everything else needs to be immediately checked and throttled at the root.

Balenciaga has a very strong brand identity. Whenever I see someone wearing the most hideous outfit imaginable I think "oh I wonder if that's Balenciaga".

I’ve just booked in to give blood tomorrow afternoon. If you can, you should. (Tuc crackers. Seabrook crisps. Lemon squash.)

No one doing it like @garbageday.email right now. The venom. The concision.

If Musk ever does make it to Mars, this is how he’ll achieve it…

Feels like a lifetime ago when the spiciest the Regretful Gesture news cycle got was Paul Ryan attempting to dab…

Putting aside the astonishing idea that the President Elect has just launched what appears to be a competing currency to the US dollar for just a tick - that graphic has a certain Elon look to it, no?

This is just about my favourite cartoon ever and I think of it all the time. But the awesome @daveyjones.bsky.social could make it even better by replacing the now almost forgotten Sting with maybe a space enthusiast we'd all line up to send off

Morning.

Fascinating article in here on the composition and creation of the Duck Tales theme tune

Peter Thiel had been doing such a good* job of flying under the radar, exerting heavy influence without drawing much attention or public scrutiny. But clearly the ongoing Dickhead Parade were being treated to has caused him to feel as though he’s missing out on something.

Of all the embarrassing things Liz Truss has done and continues to do - trying to make “The Blob” happen is really jostling for a podium position

Not sending anyone any cease and desist letters over claims that she wears a day collar, I note...

Nostalgic for the time when the biggest dickhead I was aware of was a guy who did Bo Selecta impressions every five minutes.

this is funny as-is but imo way funnier when you see his lawyer

2024 has been a vintage year for the Hayley Campbell profile. Rounding it out with this - on Danny Dyer’s horny Monty Don era - is perfection.