Vodka, tomato juice, and boba. A Bloody Mary Poppins.

2026 basically

Very good advice for when you really wanna do a thing, but are afraid. <3

New day, new game. Two creatures and 9 lands. Two more lands in hand. Maybe I suck at shuffling?

I’m too nice to these cats. They’ve been getting real gutsy with my food lately.

Hero

Purring fat cat on my chest is better than any weighted blanket that has ever existed.

Has anyone tried giving GRRM adderall and a solid lo-fi playlist?

My one cat always looks at me like he’s a second away from death until I pet him.

What’s the point of ice skating if they’re not wearing sparkles??

LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE IS HARD AND IM VERY MAD THAT IM NOT IMMEDIATELY PERFECT AT THIS 😤😤😤

Likely-historic photo by NBC News of all the Epstein victims asked to raise their hands if they've not yet been asked to meet with the DOJ as Bondi testifies in foreground

My biggest heartbreak in childhood was when I discovered you can’t just stick a straw in an orange and drink it like that.

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

gatorade is owned by pepsico but it's the coca cola of the sports drink market. powerade in turn is owned by coca cola, but it's unquestionably the pepsi of sports drinks. this should be plainly obvious to all

Got a reminder today that life is fleeting and we never know who’s time it will be next. Tell your loved ones you love them when you can:

The flying squirrel event might be my favorite of the Winter Olympics.

What's that? You say you want to learn more about Puerto Rico's electricity grid?

Ok, you can stop texting me, I saw the Ring ad. Troubling things about it 🧵: -The long awaited (much warned about) intro of “AI” recognition. It starts w/ searching for a “brown dog” but means the tech is there for lisence plate reading, face recognition, searching for suspects by description, etc

They’re really putting the Foot in football this year. #superbowlLX

Every transphobe sucks, without exception.

Drunk and crying at a potato chip commercial. #superbowlLX

I use the fire emoji all the time. I don’t think I have ever verbally called anything fire.

I regret having eyes and being able to read the stuff coming out about the files.

My stupid thyroid doesn’t not have its shit together. Again.

“Oops all lands!” My starting hand just now.

This shit hits like a sledgehammer right now. It's not even remotely an exaggeration.

Nevermind the jobs you’ve had or the classes you took (but feel free to tell me anyway), tell me 5 things you can eat until you explode 1) Deviled Eggs. 2) Hot Cheetos. 3) Vagina. 4) Nigiri Sushi. 5) White Rice w/ furikake. Maybe a little butter if I’m feeling wild.

my favorite part of the Melania movie is when she turns to the camera and says “it’s Melorbin time”

In today’s episode of “The Horrors Persistent but so does My Microwave” I exploded a half of stick of butter everywhere inside of it. The good news is, it smells much better than the burnt noodles.

If you've given biometrics to TSA (Pre-Check and Global Entry members) and you plan to attend a protest, you should wear a medical mask.

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly refilling soap but you know what? At least I know the boys are washing their hands.

What would you doooOooOoO for a Frankenstein?

The wax will continue to flow Saturday 1/31 🕯️

I just read a Trump quote out loud and legit sounded like Tommy Wiseau.

Today is "Large boulder the size of a small boulder" day!

I don’t like being fucking early to things.

Playing some Quarantine Zone, simulating some zombie / human control. Maybe later start simulating an Animal Shelter? twitch.tv/bapperson

I just explained to my 9 year old that our country is made w/ lots of things, including chocolate chips. Not every one has chocolate chips. Currently, the problem is that they’re trying to take away the chocolate chips even though the chocolate chips are a very big part of our recipe.

My dumbest and most American take is that Lichtenstein is a made up land.

Fred & the Goose can’t appreciate this but we’re starting a new D&D campaign and I’m playing a Drake Warden who is named Kendrick and my drake companion is named Toronto.

I NEED SOMEONE TO YELL TO ABOUT PEAKY BLINDERS

The worms have eaten my brain. Just switched my window lights to Bills colors. Go Bills!

At least the Nazis 1.0 had Hugo Boss uniforms. These Nazis have what? Outlet mall Under Armour and some Ozark Trail shoes?

The Goose monologues like a villain when he plays Magic.

The repairman for the dishwasher is supposed to come tomorrow. Weather is supposed to be really bad with possible school closures though. 😩

So with trends resurfacing, does that mean the hair poof will be back in the next 5 years? Bring back the hair poof.

I don’t see my name much out in the world. There’s only one “famous” person with my name and she just so happened to be married to *that* guy so every time I see my name out in the wild it’s because they’re talked about him beating and raping her. So that’s fun.

I want to hot glue all the things

I was gonna go to bed early tonight but instead I spent an embarrassing amount of time scrolling New Girl reels on Instagram.