When I thought I was funny and used to try to write, I knew two vain twins who wanted to write a comedy show but didn’t like a pitch where their character looked like a mildly bad person

This part of Christmas stinks!

And Tiny Sim, who DID die

Look, I'm sure that Nolan's adaptation of "The Odyssey" will be fun, but I highly doubt it will be as good as the original.

Whenever I see David Harbour I am reminded that there very much are things worse than being canceled. This man wishes he was canceled

Let me explain why this straightforward practical gift is actually really cool

Best Philly present so far: A VHS of two hours of a 9th St burn barrel, presumably burning away

My new character is a serial killer who says unalived like they don’t want to be canceled

Sorry but we’re doing Christmas in a totally rad skate park next year. None of this space station bullshit we’re doing this year. Can’t shred in zero G

Why is it $125 🤣

My dog is energetic even for a freaking dog

Canonically, Santa had to go Epstein Island

move over, santa claus. theres another guy with a list - but everyone on it is naughty!!

In the light of the Epstein Files, this Polar Express movie got me worried about further redactions

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

Toy soldiers… using a lite brite to tell their pain

It’s Christmas Eve and @mcuban.bsky.social can’t understand why no one wants to side with a distant billionaire complaining about how hard his life is… on Christmas Eve

Turn the comments off before he has convo with the people he pretends he wants to understand. I’ll have a respectful exchange with you but you don’t have the capacity, clearly

I still believe in Santana

MARY: he’s here JOSEPH: it’s a miracle WISE MEN: behold the son of god JOHN MCCLANE: YIPPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKERS

he had them apple color jeans coat w/ the fur the whole house was w/o a stir he hit the snow next thing u know Santa said hohohoho hohohoho

Lock it in. Everyone is getting a 4.3% raise and this guy said it

Prezzy gonna naturally croak in 26

No it won’t. Stop acting like his memory works. Embarrassing him has NOTHING

You don’t need to be funny, cool, or charismatic to give presents. They just let you do it

You will be visited by 3 spirits

2026 is dedicated to doing something big and funny again. Like lighting a hot air balloon sale room on fire

There is a world I want to go to. A world where they ‘Live Mas’

If you’re feeling sad this holiday and nothing feels right… like you’ve given your all this year and still you’re so far behind… deep down you know you’re better despite your actions… shit where was I going with this?

Is this supposed to be inspirational? The ninja turtles are dead!

And I’m not pro-commercializing the shit out of holidays. I just think it’s probably a recession indicator when even corporations are ditching significant sales and events so they can squeeze every penny out of us, rather than their usual song-and-dance every December. Maybe I’m imagining it idk

Look….. I know I’m an adult so it’s different…… but I feel like this year’s Christmas is the least Christmas-y I’ve ever experienced. Personally, because of all of the horror we’ve had this year. But also commercially, I feel like even companies are phoning it in or not even acknowledging it.

Avengers? Doomsday? Could only be one person

All this old Christmas music got me thinking I’m in Derry

Monsignor giving communion during Christmas Eve mass: The Body of Christ Me on 150 mg of hybrid capsules: did you say Bobby

Call her Harikari Weiss the way she’s gutting this newspaper’s integrity from within

He’s making a list He’s making a list He’s making a list He’s making a list Santa Clause has untreated OCD

This is absurd concept in general but uhhh Daredevil is blind

Just noticed an Iverson jersey in the first cafeteria scene of Mean Girls. Tina Fey represent

absolute horseshit. Metcalf should sue the league and that deadbeat fan

Are the Colts wearing denim?

Is she 18 because these feels Bari legal!

yes. she investigated the case of why everyone at the new york times hated her and discovered that it was because she was too smart and too brave.

Looks really stupid so I’m hoping Anaconda becomes my new favorite movie

Bari Weiss and CBS Naked News Network

This is why no one watches CBS Blast

You ever been so fucked up you tweet your ssn? 222-67-8934 No

I want to be your favorite comedian without doing standup or other traditional media with no real pressure to be funny. That would fund me life in a good way you should support tbh