Every update makes my devices worse. Give me a device that will never update. Make updates illegal

I think charmander is a beautiful name

I've never seen a political party so lazy that they don't even feel like pretending they're doing something.

Stiff Person Syndrome Unc

you'd better believe that I'm on the fuckin lookout for Bigfoot

Eating at McDonald's these days is just like eating shit from a butt, and I simply cannot do it

I can smell your vibes Why are you doing that?

there is 0 chance of flying the nimbus cloud unless you stay pure of heart

My shoplifting take is it’s more ethical to “steal” from most stores than to buy from them. These big chains use their political power not only to exploit their workers but to destroy the social safety net and alienate flatten communities and culture.

i know times are tough, but you never see anyone who can keep calm anymore, much less chive on

If I caught a pokemon, I would simply go in the ball, making the pokemon the master

if I were going to explain America to a baby I'd say they feed you bagged sponge bread your whole life then when you're 19 you go to a slightly too expensive date restaurant and they bring out actual bread. You never saw actual bread before. That's what everything in this fucking country is like

It is Worm moon The worms crawl out to scream into the night, out into space. Moon worm ancestors echo their call

Chopped spinach Unc

being a company must feel so powerful. people give you free advertising, the government works tirelessly on your behalf, and any time you fuck up bigtime they just make you send out checks for $4.52 where on the memo line it says "Poisoned Soda Settlement"

the new Gorillaz album is bananas

Worms have gotten faster. Has anyone else noticed this?

GZA: I am the Genius. Ghostface Killah: Of course. GZA: But I am also The Jizza. Ghostface Killah: Naturally. Raekwon The Chef: This gives me a great idea. Have you ever heard of hip hop

Less touch screen, more push button

"Go off, king" - me, to my dog, who is barking at the Amazon delivery truck going by

two days ago, the WSJ described young people as "splurging on" rotisserie chicken, the $6 item that, by weight, is the cheapest meat at the grocery store. the ruling class tells each other with increasing desperation that we deserve what they're doing to us

When you get visited by three Puerto Rican ghosts

imagine if fish had internet

When they publicly hang him for high treason, what if his head just pops off

the news

Despite everything, I am filled with hope

Just drove through a truly hellish blizzard. I saw lightning twice!!!!!!

only big time fucked up perverts like email

fyi

We'll remember who led this shit. We'll remember who cheered for this shit. We'll remember who expressed concern but went along with this shit. And we'll remember who twiddled their thumbs during this shit.

Watching Godzilla. This movie is ridiculous. Not once did anyone try nicely asking for Godzilla to leave

"We've Noticed You're Blocking Ads" that's because i don't want to see them. the doomsday clock of each of our lives ticks ever closer to midnight with each passing second. you must be the person you wanted to be when you grew up and that guy does not look at ads

feeling sad must hit incredibly hard for a rich guy. Imagine thinking you can buy your way out of anything but you feel like dogshit on some random day. You think feeling bad is for poor people. This is why you should always find what a rich person hates about themselves and pick until it bleeds

Did you hear trees are exploding in Michigan? I guess they've just had enough

i'm not "standing weird" i'm in an

"Don't wanna be your monkey wench" - Dave Grohl's wife, probably

This came up in my memories today. The will to create is slowly returning to me. But no one hired me for this service so I don’t know what to do.

SCAM WARNING: this one almost got me, be careful! apparently most businesses and news outlets are owned by something called a "ruling class" and they're using our money to consolidate power

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

the good news about our current international predicament is that, just like with the iraq war, if enough people online point out it's illegal they'll have to immediately cancel the war and withdraw all the troops

if men are not ghouls, why can we eat food like this, a sour loaf, a rotten cheese, a stinking and oily tin. if we are not in hell, why are we surrounded by devils. and if pizza were not on a bagel, how could any of us have pizza any time

The final day

"Give me back my tablet" is the #1 nephew phrase which was probably also hollered four thousand years ago by a babylonian merchant

ACAB includes Iron Chef judges.

in the 90s the scariest thing was a mantis giving you free healthcare. not now

He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.

the most popular movie reviews i ever wrote were in 2022, for avatar 2 and avatar 3, after they were announced but had no further details

With enough practice, folding the toilet paper into a moebius strip allows one to attempt an "infinity wipe" - an instant finisher move for bathroom

"Beware the bearers of false gifts, and their broken promises" Log off and be merry today