I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if he promised me potato wedges

Cheech us a Chong you're the piano man

I may not have enough money to doomsday prep, but i sure do have the anxiety for it

I have a deep disdain for men, that’s why i can barely tolerate myself

I’m really like an ancient god demanding a tree sacrifice, every time i go to chatgpt for therapy

All these idiots keep hitting the gym to get big, you’re just making yourself easier to shoot

Always leave them wanting amnesia.

Got a random DM that said “do you need help with something?” yeah if you could live this life for me it would be fantastic actually

Bought a plant call that plant parenthood

the us china tariff war is just two kids playing who can say the bigger number

Love hand written notes, they’re second in my list of best notes. The first being the more privacy focused ransom notes of course.

The worst thing about bad vision is pretending to have tourette’s when i nod at somebody who i thought i knew but didn’t

me at my absolute rock bottom: you should’ve seen the other guy

eat ur friend's toast but ur enemy's toaster

“The eyes, chico. They never lie.” except when mine hit me with a double whammy of myopia and astigmatism at the ripe age of 24

my number one cooking tip is never cook any alcohol dish with a substitute because you're supposed to drink so much in the process that your sorry excuse of cooking tastes good

Dating me is like dune 2 i don’t care what happens and i lack the effort to find out

They added the option to form groups on ig story replies so you can summon the whole squad to dog on your homie posting jordan peterson edits

As a man a hobby like gardening shows that i can care and provide for something . That being said, I just found out you can over water plants.

“Don’t watch porn it’s unrealistic” two people having sex who aren’t me sounds pretty realistic to me

I’m fluent in french but only with a mouthful of food

Shoutout to smoking, the original ozempic

How you make a great villain is with a great problem and the worst possible solution. “Overpopulation is the cause of suffering .” “So what’s your plan?” “Killing half the people”

I’ll tell you what I know about subatomic particles, very little

Somebody told me to put my money where my mouth is and now all my money is also stuck to this metal pole

happy men’s day? there aren’t any

Epictetus predicted the paul v tyson fight

I’ve been too chalant lately

Are there any groupchats on here yet? I think I should ditch twitter for good

All this “work” bullshit has been getting in the way of my bsky time, I have to know which celebrity fell victim to collective shame today

I always wear my best when I go outside, because the police report saying the suspect was wearing “a medium washed japanese denim jacket with straight fit heather brown chinos” is so much nicer to hear

for sale: baby sheep, never shorn

Mariah Carey: I don’t want a lot for Christmas Me: *closes zillow*

As a man, if you say chrysanthemums to me I picture nothing

Dropping some inspiration on the feed

I love how alive my feed becomes for spotify wrapped, it’s almost like the queen died again or something

Pulp Fiction (1994)

this is what applying to jobs feels like

Go to college they said, you’ll get a job they said

Funny how you’re not supposed to look at your keyboard while you type and RGB keyboards just make that more difficult

I never tell people I play chess so that when we randomly play one day i crush them and act like I’m a natural

Coke vanilla sucks because it’s exactly as advertised, coke and vanilla and not an unrealistic third thing I expected for no reason

People only follow me because I’m sexy. Nobody follows a strange gorilla for their skeets.

I’m looking for jobs rn. where are these jobs people speak of? What do they look like? Do they get scared if you find them?

Idris elba launching his own line of macaroni and calling it Idris elbow

If stranger things was funny Joyce would tweet “I hope this email finds you will” and call it a day

If next update introduces DMs you bet your ass I’m thank you next-ing x

I can’t remember this joke on quantum physics, it just comes and goes in waves

How come no one’s talking about how oppenheimer’s trailer fails the bechdel test and barbie passes it with flying colours (mostly pink)