it’s summer you know what that means— DONT TOUCH THE POOL!!

Nice. Let’s see Paul Allen’s stadium

in the drive thru and the guy goes “hungee hungee” after i order

That’s a bad case of coke nose

yeah but i only eat organic cheetos with pasture-raised cheetah

You might have forgotten about that mistake you made, but I haven’t

me to the dog at the party

Every household chore sounds like a sexual innuendo

the ghosts of jazz hands are spirit fingers

I have to update my app to be in a group chat so that’s why I don’t participate

group chats are responsible for the decline of the youts

you should believe everything you read online and go insane

Check this post out in your group chat; dunk on me, talk about how much you hate me and my posts

a group chat killed my brother

Tapeworm? Uh the 90s called we’re using CDs now, pal!

Getting invited to the “being perceived awards” and i immediately become drenched in sweat, and blood

I see them having fun and i know it was never meant for me

Would you keep posting if you never got any likes and only got quote reposted?

the “Amy Schumer stolen jokes controversy” to “rise in popularity of crowd work comedy” pipeline

Stopped going to work. Cutting down on driving has saved me so much money I’m no longer making

Millennials love pointing out a word you misspelled

ok water calm down

1 in 4 Americans suffer from "giddy anus"

I may not be 7ft tall but my peepee dribbles Like a basketball

I may not be 7ft tall but my peepee dribbles Like a basketball

Stealing car radios just doesn’t have that same energy it used to

You can do this. You can be the first millennial in history

*in Hell* “not a phone in sight, everyone just living in the moment”

woke laminate flooring

Kim Kardashian cocaine panties

The Mysterious Golden Orb™️

I’ll never forget this quote from my late father: “I’ll be there in an hour.”

Been getting into climbing lately, bought a ladder

Penisville Chemical Plant

They keep calling them “intrusive” thoughts, and I keep having to correct them

McDonald’s Hamburgers Construction Co

*Shrek voice* SHRONKEY!

All things are possible through The Lort™️

Yes the coffee is warm, but don’t call me Luke

sometimes you feel like a nut

First this, then a McPenal Colony. The clown needs to be stopped by any means necessary

got too McFreaky and ended up in McJail

not sure anyone will understand but I am sick of that Milky song

Busting into the work group chat today going “NO STAR WARS! If I see a STAR WARS reference I will FREAK OUT!!”

May the forth be something somethin

We could be heroes, we could be beans