Sweden screwed up by not sending KAJ right back to Eurovision with this.

Excuse me, we elected a moron *twice*, thank you very much.

WE MADE AN AD!

Look, I am for whatever tax increase is needed to add 20.9 million to the budget. Build some more affordable housing and get with the big round number dammit.

I am not raising chickens in my backyard, I just have several natural camera gimbals.

Kudos to the pot store that understands its customers need simple guides on how to buy pot.

There is a woman outside the DC federal courthouse yelling at the building, insisting to be let in to take the bar exam. 50/50 chance between an indictment of society to help the vulnerable and employee of the DoJ.

Just the funniest possible guest to have in the chair for the photo illustrating this.

Just crazy that the *actual* king of England is explaining the limits on the executive branch under Anglo-American constitutional law — to the U.S. Congress.

*taps the sign again*

I can’t. We’re really at the point of the timeline where we’re interviewing convicted presidential assassins because we need experts on assassinating president because discussing assassinating presidents generates clicks. Please tell me @theonion.com did it first.

If only James Comey had written 74770609^1/2 with seashells no one in the Trump administration would have figured it out.

In a moment of random luck, I was on the King Charles motorcade route when it came through.

There will be a day in the future when I never have to think about this motherfucker again and it’s all I’m holding out for

Truly the stupidest timeline

As a civil servant, I find paying taxes hilarious because all I'm doing is giving a refund to my employer.

I have started using Royally Fucked to describe the events this week. Tl;dr: DC is royally fucked on Tuesday, Virginia is royally fucked in Friday, but probably not NoVa as it keeps alluding to Appalachian history without any hard locations.

Rotten Tomatoes just posted a shrug emoji. 🍅🤷‍♂️

Indeed. A person rushed at POTUS's security perimeter and was stopped there. A person whose plan is to do a one-man charge through POTUS's security perimeter is, ipso facto, irrational. To the extent anything can be done to prevent this, it's universal free healthcare including mental healthcare.

Film you've watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Star Trek, Star Wars, LOTR, Marvel, Disney, or Ghibli.

There's a bit more bike lane on daingerfield road, and the already crushed plastic bollard is really saying a lot.

An essential read: www.doomsdayscenario.co/p/a-quick-an...

Now this is how you sell a laminator

Secret Service agents only now realizing they forgot to evacuate JD Vance

kash patel says the fbi will leave no stone unturned, from the postgame locker room of the los angeles kings game tomorrow night to the jelly roll concert a few days later in memphis tennessee

Find another assassin in less than 30 days? In this economy?

Current live feed at the WHCD

It will be hilarious if he uses this to fire Kash.

They should try being teachers.

"Every one of you here has to make a decision – will I tell the truth or will I protect the powerful? I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, because in this world right now there are consequences to telling the truth. But there is a right answer."

Pour one out for the Hilton staff who are working perhaps the worst shift in food service history rn.

The good news is, there are a lot of experienced, trained professionals on hand who can quickly gather all the appropriate facts and tell us exactly how this is bad news for the Democrats in the midterms.

People! It’s a $100k dinner at the Washington Hilton! You don’t cancel just because an assassin showed up.

Are all of the competent assassins busy or something???

Since none of these people are rushing to publish the story, no one here is a journalist.

*2026

DC peeps, we’re gonna have to hyphenate the new name of the Hinkley.

2,000 professional journalists literally on the scene when it happened and no one knows what is actually going on?

I don't know that anyone has ever covered a current Eurovision competitor before. But what is truly fun and embarrassing it that it's way better than the UK's entry.

I was writing jokes for Amber Ruffin when she was supposed to host the White House Correspondent's Dinner last year, but then she got fired for saying bad things about Donald Trump. I think tonight, I shall post a few of them here.

Let’s just have a look at the library’s book sale,,,,,,, oh no

High tide was high today.

The thing about the WHCD is, do you have any idea how nice it is not to go to something? And to have the excuse that you're doing it on principle? My god, take the win.

So you have a week to get to Tonari up in DC before they close for good to get the chili crisp burrata and their pizzas, which are detroit style but have a super fluffy interior. Our server said the regulars are ordering multiple pies to take home and freeze for when they are gone.

on their fucking minibikes again the neighborhood teens are. call the police i have.

Brazil's democracy is so much stronger than America's and it's been around for about half an hour.

If you squint real hard you can see the exact moment when our cat jumped on the bed and meowed directly into my ear last night

1 cocktail two hours ago plus a full dinner and I am still not okay to drive. Maybe another half hour I might be.

I am such a cheap date, japanese whiskey edition.