Every time my wife gets sick and takes a day off work, something breaks. It used to be Xbox live would go down whenever she wanted to play some halo or call of duty. Today she logged off early and wanted to watch YouTube in bed. What I’m saying is, this is her fault.

Oh my god

Don’t let anyone tell you being a tree in your first grade Christmas pageant doesn’t count

They got the big game on at the bar

Elon not being happy despite having all the money is like someone losing at a game in tutorial mode, which he also does

Based on a critical analysis of the lyrics to Jolene I have concluded Jolene looked like Deborah Ann-Woll, and on that basis I am prepared to conclude her fears were entirely justified.

My apologies to France, I was not familiar with your game.

Today’s interest rate hike just confirms the people at the RBA could be replaced by loosing a coked-up cockatiel on a monopoly board and making decisions based on which square it shits in. Inflation isn’t up bc people have extra cash, spending is up because we are being gouged on every transaction.

Ricky Gervais: “celebrities should stay out of politics and things they know nothing about” So when you were hosting the Grammies and repeatedly insinuated celebrities are a bunch of selfish and corrupt paedophiles, you were speaking from experience?

If Australia actually votes for this party of fully cooked monkfish at the next election I am just going to start setting fire to shit

Is there any point reminding people that Pauline Hanson is a lying, grifting, racist xenophobe who has never once stood for anything that would make this country better? I keep seeing people reiterating the bland rhetoric that she “fights for Australia” but it’s a completely hollow statement.

May you feel as much joy today as the bouncer in this video.

okay there is no need to be condescending

I’m going to be real with you Caitlin - it doesn’t sound like you’re actually a tech-savvy zillennial

When I close my eyes in meetings and start to go honk shoo honk shoo I am not asleep, I am just telling everyone I am bored and it is time to my nap otherwise I will be cranky later

Had to do mandatory cybersecurity awareness training for work and they used AI to make the presenters faces and voices so I had to watch horrible plastic faces deliver a half hour monotone diatribe about how AI is a huge security problem and then answer questions to confirm I had absorbed that info

I have a four day weekend ahead of me but while eating dinner I was thinking about work and I think I solved a problem I was stuck on earlier and now it’s gonna bug me if I don’t log on and try it.

What if we 🥰 filled the unforgiving minute 😫with sixty seconds 🤩 worth of distance run 🥺👉👈

Disrespectfully sir, slurp my nuts.

Me: those conformity gate dorks are so fuckin weird about their tv show Also me: a new vegas remaster is going to drop alongside the fallout season finale

The security lapse is actually that the child porn generator is supposed to be a paid feature.

My wife has been playing a lot of Fallout 76 this week as I’m back at work and she’s still on leave and I would say 2-3 times a day I hear her let out a strangled cry of horror as the game surprises her with some awful mutant abomination she wasn’t ready for.

When I was 23, I saw a bunch of really cute velvet furniture on the side of the road, totally nice. Took it in and a year later a friend’s new gf came to my house and it turns out I’d stolen her entire living room while she was moving.

I didn’t know the 9th episode of Stranger Things was meant to be a secret, are you telling me most people didn’t see it?

I’ve had porn deepfakes made of me since long before genAI existed, and am (sadly) very unphased by it at this point, but I do strongly agree with this sentiment. These men don’t do it to jerk off to - they do it as a means of ‘digital rape’. If anything, they jerk off to knowing you don’t consent.

Less than a year ago Microsoft found AI was making us dumber, now Nadella is whining about us calling AI generated content slop. I’m sorry your investment in the enshittification of the human race is receiving criticism. Why don’t you get the robot to fuck your wife about it.

Has anyone calculated the point value of the terracotta warriors? IIRC there were some cannons in there too.

The security lapse is actually that the child porn generator is supposed to be a paid feature.

It’s going to take months to remember to write 2028 on my cheques

Did I enter a fugue state? What the fuck is Spotify talking about. I have no recollection of, or explanation for, listening to Orinoco Flow 25 times in one day.

I’m going to wind up banned from bluesky by the government because of the number of times I’ve replied to l @jav.scd.lol guessing the word s*********s in a title was “spongebobs” leads them to believe I’m 12.

“Trump is definitely not in the Epstein files, but on a completely unrelated note let me just clarify for no particular reason that technically it’s not pedophilia if the girl was 15.” Smooth. Real smooth.

Foreign interests are literally buying the White House, it’s not even a metaphor, that’s just what’s happening right now because king trump wants a ballroom. And his weird fans still think he’s paying for it out of his own pocket because he’s such a nice guy.

I’m like 60% confident the Louvre heist was a publicity stunt.

So basically the ceasefire lasted just long enough to let the displaced refugees from having their city bombed into rubble return to their ruined homes before continuing the bombardment, ensuring that civilian casualties are maximised?

Spotify AI DJ just roasted me by prefacing “Beer” by Reel Big Fish by saying that I was in the top 2% of listeners last week.

The thrilling conclusion to the trilogy that began with Introductory Handjobs, and the disappointing sequel, Penultimate Handjobs.

Cyberpunk Legends: Into the Night by Night Crew Games on @kickstarter.com www.kickstarter.com/projects/cyb...

When the waitress at the Indian restaurant asks how spicy I want my vindaloo

Me: [hiccups] Wife: you ok? Me: yeah I just had a hiccup. Then I reminded myself hiccups aren’t real, so now I’m fine Wife: [heavy sigh of a person who has put up with my shit for twenty one years] why does pissing me off cure your hiccups? Me: it doesn’t Wife: Me: because hiccups aren’t real

While completing her taxes my wife noticed that ATO had given her a rebate of like $40 as some sort of pay on time discount for last year’s bill. The ATO then identified this as income and asked for 35% of it back.

[Paranormal investigators in the 1970s] Investigator: we confirmed a poltergeist in Enfield Skeptic: what’s the proof? I: we recorded its voice S: where was the voice coming from? I: two teenage girls S: could they have been faking it? I: we asked them and they said no S: alert the media!!

Now they’ve posted proof of life, we can look forward to whining about how we were prematurely celebrating and what that says about us. It means we all wish he was dead because he’s a bad person whose policies are about hurting people, and death is the only justice he can’t run from forever.

I’m a 30 or 40 year old man who only interacts with cat videos on social media so all I get are ads for erection pills and discreet infidelity services, like the algorithm can’t figure out if my penis works or not.

Yakov Smirnoff: …but in Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to YOU! Zoomer watching YouTube videos in bed: wow, the Cold War really was a time of paranoia wasn’t it, personally assigned FBI agent watching me through my phone camera

THIS IS HUGE! The FIRST 100% effective HIV PrEP drug, Lenacapavir, is APPROVED AND GOING GLOBAL. The makers are providing AFFORDABLE access to the drug in the United States AND beyond, signing ROYALTY-FREE licensing agreements with SIX generic manufacturers to produce AND supply it. 🧪🧵⬇️

It’ll be pretty funny if Trump doesn’t even make it to May 2026.