Jimmy Carr is getting a bit young Spock.

I'm more Ayia Napa than power napper.

I should call her.

beef toe beef toe beef toe beef toe

The new season's dessert shops spring up all over London, the room unread, cones stacked and ice cream chilled just in time to miss half the summer.

ginger shots are the cigarettes of the wellness industry

@squidgerugby.bsky.social Just saw you on the telly.

JD Vance is the Liz Truss of popes.

Trump thinks he's badass and he'll win this trade war cos he doesn't mind allowing his own citizens to die, but he's going up against *China*.

It’s a recalibration of economic control. Oligarchs don’t live paycheck to paycheck. They have the capital to buy market dips and recoup faster, acquiring more assets at fire sale prices along the way. When the dust finally settles, they will own more. The rest of us will own less. A lot less.

candles are acoustic light bulbs

This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism.

I know the markets are going mental, but don't worry, the rich will still be plenty rich enough to buy everything everyone loses so they'll be fine.

When you start to paint a wine glass but change your mind and paint a cat.

The real story isn’t that the Trumpians let a journalist into a group chat, it is that they are plotting against Europe.

So Donald.

Don't fuck with the wick. The candle knows more than you do.

Totally different. Not the same at all.

"Hi Prime Minister, Trent Crimm, The Independent. I can see that you're trying to walk a very narrow and difficult diplomatic tightrope with Trump at the moment against your own principles and for what you hope is the greater good of the country. Why won't you call him a cunt on record?"

You know Grover from Sesame Street? That, but Terminator.

Saw this, took the photo on the sly, added the words, and boom, content.

Lowkey anxiety about misgendering dogs means that when I see a dog I immediately look for a dick or the absence of a dick and all of this behaviour is deeply strange. "Cute dog!" "Thanks!" "Show me its genitals so I can comfortably tell it what a good dog it is." "What?"

You struggle to spread smooth peanut butter.

I think a lot about how Crazy Rich Asians made a ton of money, huge hit, beloved movie. Sequel, guaranteed hit. And then the Asian woman cowriting the script asked to be paid the same amount as the white man they paired her with, and the studio completely abandoned the sequel rather than do that

Most people don't know that the 'Adi' in Adidas is short for Adolf.

You know it's a fancy pub when you don't have to stand to one side of the toilet to close the cubicle door.

Does he realise he's...taxing the rich? 🤣🤣🤣

I bet everyone around is pleased you now know how to pronounce analogy.

Guns don't kill people, puppies do.

Well isn't this a surprise?

You have all the sexual tension of the drum break in that Spin Doctors song.

Hey @matriches.bsky.social, you've got one of those liquid hand soap pump dispensers that spunks hand soap right fucking at you instead of down into your hand. You think it's hilarious. You bought it on purpose.

If only we knew of someone who likes unbadged acts of anonymous war and who also absolutely loves a bit of cheeky naval sabotage.

Go home ebay, you're drunk.

This is how much it cost to see Oasis when anyone gave a shit about Oasis.

What's the point of tahini when hummus is *right there*?

We're gonna move fast and break things. Sometimes we'll make mistakes. If we remove the wrong organ we'll put it back in. We are disrupting surgery

the horrors persist

CUN7

I saw that Trump Gaza AI video about a week before Trump retweeted it. I assumed it was intended as bleakly savage satire. I still think it is.

Hey kids, we literally had a game called "Pick-Up Sticks" when we were your age, and you know what we did? We fucking picked up sticks.

Can we please stop comparing what is happening now to the 1930s? As the fascist takeover is happening to what was our closest ally and the most powerful country in the world, this is much worse for the UK than the 1930s.

9 pairs of pants (Trunks, StepOne) were put into the dryer right side out. 7 were inside out at the end of the cycle. This strongly suggests that time spent turning trunks right side out before tumble drying is not only wasted but actively counterproductive. You are all so very welcome for this.

billionaire: people should work 168 hours a week journalist: that’s so innovative

We now have to seriously wonder if the USA will arm Russia.