in honor of The Onion officially taking over InfoWars, what’s a conspiracy theory you 100% believe? Michael Jordan was doing the exact same shit as Pete Rose (gambling on games his team played in) during his playing career and Nike+the NBA have…done what it took to keep that quiet.

Michigan friends! I'm headed your way this morning - hope to see lots of families at tonight's event at Bloomfield Township Public Library (or tomorrow, at West Bloomfield Township Public Library!) oaklandcounty115.com/2026/04/12/c...

Dunkin’ > Starbucks

I have nothing to say that wouldn't make my grandmother clutch her pearls.

the us spent $921 billion on defense in 2025. proposed 2027 budget: $1.5 trillion.

For an administration that uniformly does the dumbest thing every time, I shouldn’t be surprised that the worst rumor they can think to spread is, “he’s *gay*”.

I wonder what it’s like, as a SNL writer, to have so much of your job done for you.

Whitmer's office questioned whether the lack of a tornado watch alert could be attributed to funding cutbacks at the National Weather Service.

My teacher says she's tired of trying.

He could also raise it by leaving this plane of existence during his speech. Probably by a lot more than 5 points.

Should have let the dinosaurs eat him

Other than Trump’s spokesBarbie, is there a market for this?

Vin Diesel

Seems like a bad sign for the general competency level of federal law enforcement that the FBI director spends his time scouring the feeds of random MAGA influencers and launching investigations based on their posts. www.mediamatters.org/benny-johnso...

Trump at Davos is some insane shit.

This is very well done. The NYT journalist who made this should send it to the editors of the NYT whose landing page articles still amplify Trump lies about the victim, defending ICE murdering her.

"run by senile old men" So close, Lil Marco. So close.

For the love of Pete, can someone please follow up with "How? Like through a ... marketplace?"

I have found my coworker's handle. I see you, Sanctimonious Bitch!

Hi again! It's me with an another installment of the last book I ever thought would get banned--my picture book about a unicorn and kitty who are pals. A quick look at what this school district bizarrely found objectionable. 1/

So...like a marketplace?

Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen Pour myself a cup of ambition Yawn and stretch and try to come to life Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping Out on the street the traffic starts jumping With folks like me on the job from 9-5

I never want to hear this song again. Ever.

If you work for Rocket Money, I'd like to speak with you confidentially today. Please contact me on Signal at juddlegum.47

And when they don't, then what? Insanity...repeating...something something.

Munchausen by candy?

Busy avoiding her.

Forget everything you already know about America's most notorious dead person. Watch Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile at Thursday, Oct. 9 at 7 p.m. ET/6 p.m. CT. Only at The Onion on Youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjhSoGcQhWU.

Are syringe manufacturers big donors? Serious q.

Serious question: does he know the little circles in a percent sign are not zeros? Is there a chance it’s 14%, but he thinks that it’s 1400?

❤️

I have lived and worked in and around Chicago for 27 years and I have been assaulted less often than Sen Paul has been in his own back yard.

As I was saying…

Post a movie you like with a terrible Rotten Tomatoes score

Would it save me some social awkwardness knowing the name of an acquaintance at the grocery store? Yes. Would I feel “cognitively disadvantaged” if I didn’t have smart glasses overlaying everyone’s name? No, probably just generalized embarrassment + the overarching dread of becoming middle aged.

I'm trying to imagine what "transgender ideology" fits on ammunition. Heil RuPaul?

Repost with a group you’d love to hang out with

This is the kind of marketing that is effective with me

It's called "Fuck You Money" for a reason. #LifeGoals

“His penis is teeny tiny but” South Park still rocks. Glad I made it home in time to watch live.

…

The baseball cap is a way for the 1% to act like everyone else, if only from the forehead up. https://on.wsj.com/46JM7Pt

I just asked for permission to bring a tshirt cannon to work.

This is why I had a kid vaccinated before Inauguration Day, because I was worried he wouldn’t be able to get the meningitis shot this summer before college.

Seems like a WelcomeFest panel would actually watch.