“Vest, pants and socks on toes Socks on toes, Vest, pants and socks on toes. If I could dress myself this way each day, I’d stand more chance of getting laid. Getting laid”

I was walking down a supermarket aisle when I met a little old lady trying to reach the top shelf. I offered to help, and she gratefully accepted. So I bent down cupped my hands and said “ok - up you go” She called me an arse. (I did get what she was after though)

Glove down, glove down! I repeat - glove down!

Hallelujah Its said that Epstein spoke of Trump, In a justice department Data dump, But you don’t really care for paedophilia. It goes like this; he pled the fifth and the minors were all left off the witness list, It’s a cold stone case of paedophilia, Paedophilia, paedophilia….paedo….etc

@quantick.bsky.social Elvish Costello ¥#xmasbands

Finally, an audience with the undisputed master of existence, Andy Zaltzman. Listen now, and then listen again straight after: podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/w...

This is excellent.

Interesting, innit.

Another treat heating my mailbox this morning - another great original from the great original @400footghost.bsky.social !

I hate him.

I’ve written to Keir Starmer, Kemi Badenoch and Nigel Farage urging them to condemn Donald Trump’s attack on the BBC. The BBC belongs to Britain, not Trump. We must defend it together.

If you care about the BBC, stand up and defend it: this could be the beginning of the end | Polly Toynbee

The BBC isn't perfect, but it belongs to Britain not Trump. Political leaders across the UK must unite in defending its independence from the White House.

If you've ever needed a reason to rally behind the BBC then this is it.

I don't often call for resignations. But Sir Robbie Gibb's role in the BBC boardroom coup makes his continued role there untenable. He must resign or be removed

There once was a noncey princeling, Who wanted to wear a crown, But all of the press, and his brother no less said “oi - get out of town”

Monday’s Musk stinks of power and money, But Elon knows he’s not that funny. Tuesday’s musk has earned a Trillion, Through his shareholders - fools by the million. Wednesday’s Musk can launch a rocket, But all in cause of filling his pocket.

Saw someone with the same teeth as me at the coincidentist.

“Alan Carr; what a loser. I’m the greatest celebrity traitor there ever was - just look at my resume’ he pretends to murder people, I do it for real. Alan Carr - fake news!”

Rod Smith would be the perfect name for somebody who makes dildos.

Which one is more English?

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one...

The female wasp crawls through a tiny opening in the unripe fig to lay eggs, and in the process, pollinates the flowers. Many wasps die inside the fig and are digested

Armchair once belonging to Amy Winehouse. I'd like to start the bidding at 100 million pounds.

Tax data consumption and use it to fund universal income. @iandunt.bsky.social @owenjones.bsky.social @georgemonbiot.bsky.social

Nigel Farage is not the man of the people. Never has been, never will be. He’s out for himself, and only himself, and will look to grift you for everything you’ve got. He’s a nasty, lying bigot. Nigel Farage is the man of Nigel Farage.

Is this Olaf Falafel’s falafel waffle? @ofalafel.bsky.social

How I discovered I’m a ghost.

What do we think: too much?

If you vote for Reform, you’re a racist. No ifs, no buts.

Quite an unfortunate place to drift off into an ellipsis.

The paedo previously known as ‘prince’

@joe-heenan.bsky.social Right, Joe, I’ve had an idea - and I don’t mind telling you it’s genius! What it is, is a cat podcast where you take a trek in the countryside (or the city - not sure that bit matters tbh), but…. And here’s the USP….

I feel sick. Do any of you have any unusual hobbies?

Oo! Look what arrived in the post today! Wonderful art from the wonderful @400footghost.bsky.social

Seven years ago today, Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi was tortured, murdered and then dismembered. And any so-called comedian who can't stand up tonight in Riyadh and do ten minutes on that kind of hijinx and horseplay just isn't worth the Saudi blood money he's being paid.

What did Frodo say when Samwise said he loved him? “Orcs” Because you see there were orcs coming at them, and Frodo had seen them, but Sam hadn’t. Which was awks.

Shit. Just had a couple of paracetamol and now I'm worried I've inadvertently given myself *double #autism*. I'd better keep a close eye on my problem-solving skills, my creative & analytical skills, my consistency, honesty & sense of justice. If they improve I've *definitely* got the Big Double A.

What the country needs right now to bring us all together is a disappointing Winter Wonderland.

🚀 What if AI growth directly funded Basic Income? Imagine a system where AI’s data use and energy demand were taxed modestly, and the revenues flowed into an Automation Dividend Fund — shared by all citizens.

Competition for most British sign on the Trump March won handily by: “Don’t give him the good biscuits!”

A rapist, a bigot and a convicted felon walk into a bar. The barman asks “what can I get you, Donald?”

Tax data consumption. That’ll sort it.

Well fucking do something about it then

Why did the palindrome cross the road? To get a map a mate got. #palindrome

A painting, called... Oh, I Do the Melody and the Harmony Simultaneously; it's a Gift.