Well, it was either all this or another black person in a Star Wars movie

Outlook for the new year ...

A new year changes nothing. It’s not a fresh, new start. It rekindles neither hope nor optimism. It’s not a reset. The moon still rots in the sky, black hearts still reign, Taco Bell is still too expensive. Fire sauce and Baja blast cannot stem the tide of our exsanguination.

ngl I kinda miss 80s pop bass lines

I’m pleased to announce my new AI startup, Celebrimbor. Using everyday, conversational data generated within your household and other private areas, we will provide governments all over the world with real-time decisions to murder you; all within a single pane of glass.

look we're all making a big bet on AI! and if it pays off as big as we hope, well, it's going to make a handful of people super rich and you're going to lose your job but get to watch mickey mouse fuck geralt from the witcher. if it doesn't pay off well then you get to pay for the bailouts

I never thought to do this before, but googled a guy I used to fight a lot in middle school and he's now a drunk with a dv charge. Feeling blessed

Ladies and gentlemen, the weekend

Bud Bundy will return as Grandmaster B in #AvengersDoomsday

Professional wrestling, but they settle their disputes in a Lincoln-Douglas style debate.

If you name your dog Frodo, youve doomed it to either a lifetime of sweaters or becoming The Scrounge.

Months ago, I saw a skeet that was dated 2014. I'm still trying to come to terms with this.

@profanity.accountant hey

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It’s impossible to find bedroom decorating ideas that isn’t AI-generated flop sweat

Please be the worst-case scenario

Me, out with the boys: Hold on guys, allow me to retort! Grok, insult Mike’s mother for me, and be epic about it! No, my buddy Mike. What no, wait… hold on… I don’t care about Elon being faster than a gazelle and a world-class shit-eater

I misread this image so badly that I can only really hope to illustrate what I saw. ( Also a good excuse for an #art study )

Watching Spaceballs for the first time with the kids. Whoever leaves last gets the largest share in my will.

Dibs. Nobody else bid on it

LEAVITT: Look, the president’s a stupid asshole

How many jokes have been made about conflating Nuzzi and Trump’s neck? I don’t want to be a hack

I'd post a lot more, but I remember that I don't like defending my flawless takes from this rabble.

THROTUS

All governments should be replaced by covens, filled exclusively with brujas, priestesses, etc.. Cabinet meetings involve gathering around a cauldron. Fill the halls of congress with familiars.

It’s a turducken, but instead of a duck and a chicken, it’s just two increasingly smaller turkeys.

I feed my cats nothing but gas station burritos and monster energy drinks. they all weigh 65 pounds and spend their money on truck payments

Lairmore, convulsing, gets placed in a bathtub full of ice in hopes that the fever will break, ending the “Jacob’s Ladder”-esque hallucinations he’s experienced since the sandwich explosion.

Dick Cheney hasn’t had a pulse in over twenty years. They could only call his time of death when a fiery pit of grasping hands erupted under him, dragging him to penance

“This popular thing a lot of people like sucks actually”, we said, casually puffing on our Djarums behind a Denny’s in 1995; our Morrissey shirts screaming “I’m disaffected and aloof, push me in a locker”

Fay Wray and Lili St Cyr searches are probably through the roof tonight

Is there a betting app for politics? I want to take the under on Vance dumping Usha and shacking up with Erika Kirk.

Watch out for Ea Nasir this Halloween!

The first rule of posting on bsky is to act disgusted whenever someone replies to said post

I love speaking with dev teams in India around Diwali. They’ll calmly explain their app security posture to me while it sounds like a war is raging just outside their window.

no one cares that he broke the 7th seal of the draxnys, summoning the evil known to the tongues of men as alazamyn, ushering in a new age of monsters. they care about how theyre going to afford shinguards for their kids soccer team

If wrestling is fake, explain this

500 demon hunters at the trunk or treat tonight if anyone’s looking to create a hunmoon

I need to source 35,000 gallons of blood for my future blockbuster hit "Shopping Maul". It's about falling in love at the food court among other things

I share an hbomax account with a Tony award winner nbd just ally shit.

Why does every male cat over the age of 3 look like they did a tour in Vietnam?

It doesn’t even feel like Rocktober this year

Stay woke friends

Went to a “boo at the zoo” event last night and my youngest told a bog witch that she’s allergic to penicillin.

Oh fuck here comes my beeeeaaaaannnss