This is the sequel America needs right now "Whatever you wanna wager on, the Monkeytruck has you covered. You wanna bet on a pack of diseased rhesus in Mississippi, Monkeytruck."

Horrible Amazon Photos The product is a bench dog clamp, by a company called Tzdxfgl

Some legal experts have said that a 2nd plane has struck the World Trade Center

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

This Jimmy Kimmel thing reminds me of the death of Edgar Stiles on 24 <Jack and crew locked in airtight glass room watching co-workers collapse and die from nerve gas> Jack: "people die, nothing we can do" <annoying asshole Edgar enters death room> Jack: "Oh, My, God"

Never forget this banger from @theonion.com theonion.com/new-subway-p...

Blueskyism, more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's Other Disease

Is it hard to become a self-proclaimed celebrity pickleball coach, or can you just declare it?

I guess British words don't count as English #BeeBetter

Sorry folks, the pool water is too high quality for swimming

New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought theonion.com/new-evi...

Thanks for the warning Amazon, wouldn't want my 2 year old to choke to death while playing with a circular saw, he'll have to wait another year

Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies theonion.com/idiom-s...

On one hand, "Beef Taco Filling" sounds very unappetizing On the other hand, that's some really cheap meat for my taco chili For the record, I will not be placing unopened package in boiling water for 45 minutes

You think it was on accident, but that's the classic Dwayne Reed maneuver

This sign does not do justice for that intersection, which is also the bottom of a steep hill in either direction

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

"We are the ghosts of the grocery store, the mythical spirits of the supermarket. You do not want to acknowledge that we exist, but we are real, and we have the power to dictate the apple economy."

Bad Home Depot, don't suggest this stuff

Nothing strange here, just a normal financial planner with a normal looking url for his website

There has to be a better system for selecting a pope than "the last cardinal with his hand on the popemobile"

Trying a brand of frozen pizza I've never bought before, Paul Newman's sausage and peperoni

A restaurant in my hometown made an amazing breaded tenderloin sandwich. Not too tender, not too crispy, just perfect, possibly fried in peanut oil. They still exist, but close for 3 weeks each year at Christmas time, the only time I am ever there

Come on NYT games, bee better

The pope saw his shadow this morning, looks like we're going to have an early Christmas this year

The Onion has fallen to the anti-DEI movement They are now only hiring fellows, ladies need not apply

Bud Bundy will return as Grandmaster B in #AvengersDoomsday

Orson Pig will return as Power Pig in #AvengersDoomsday

"new phone houthis"

The funniest possible scenario is to stay in the group chat and just start interjecting media gossip and fantasy football picks and see how long it takes them to figure it out

never surrender

When asked, the opposite police are required to tell you that they're NOT the opposite police

Dave Matthews' Tour Bus

Come on Spelling Bee, MonkLaw is a thing

There's a software system where I work that requires a password change every 3 months I log in to the thing once or twice per year, and every time I do I need to create a completely new password, no reusing old ones

I realize that we've come to a consensus against using CGI, AI, etc. to make new content with dead celebrities, but hear me out: Wilford Brimley in one of those commercials dancing and singing about how he's "got the die-uh-beetis"

About to head out to a Superb Owl party

Shouldn't the plural here be "state AsG" or maybe even "states AG"?

I've got to say, the guy who accidentally became the Director of the FBI does 100% look like the guy who accidentally becomes the Director of the FBI in a mid-2000s comedy about a guy who accidentally becomes the Director of the FBI

Your update is half finished

Shower thought for the math and physics folks ~9.81 m/s² is the acceleration from Earth's gravity ~9.87 is π² Why are they so similar? #SciSky

Each government agency will form a DOGE team, but only IF they can find them

The President is making a mockery out of the blockchain record of ownership for digital pictures of a cartoon apes

Ditzpute - when someone that lacks common sense argues Come on NYT, bee better

"He died doing what he loved: Creating shareholder value."

I'm In This Photo and I Don't Like It

post a ship that’s not star wars or star trek