When my zoomer friend call me I'm like wow... we really are friends 🥹

Bath addicts be like “Just one more near fainting episode as I ascend from the scalding waters of this cleansing vessel”

Americans have spoken and they demand wokeness

Good morning to New York City and Zohran Mamdani only

on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people

Deaf character in a sci fi show and they have people learn sign language instead of giving him some tech doodad hell yeah

Got a new large bubblegum pink crossbody bag in a charity shop today for £4, been looking for one similar for a while, put the bag in had on inside it and got acompliment from a girl within the hour 😌😌😌

guys i asked ChatGPT and it said it’s safe to walk through the cursed village and it will save us twenty minutes

I would like to curl up in a lap right now but I'll just have to settle for a cat curled up in mine

Everything is just so, Produce!!! Consume!!! What if I want to just sit and listen to the birds. What then

Cheered up by a pug refusing to go off on its walk cause we were making eye contact

How many times in a day can a person flip off their computer? Let's find out

U gotta trust the process - the process is i freak out and cry about it, dance it off in the evening then wash my hair, wake up early furious about it, then show up early drink a lot of coffee and get it done

Completed 3 tickets before 9am 😌💅

Parents have the tv at volumes potentially previously unheard by humans

I tried to fix my posture now my back hurts

I will slav squat anywhere, you can't stop me

Mirrored sunglasses are the noise cancelling headphones of the eyes

Don't like the term "douchecanoe," you're not improving the insult. Don't even know what that means

"They're trolling" ooooh so they know what they're doing is bad and wrong, and that's supposed to make it....better??

It should be more acceptable to silently beat box in public

I have a date in a few hours so obviously I am feeling deranged

Sorry can you repeat that I didn't catch it, my cat is yelling at me and I'm eating a hallumi wrap and throwing salad everywhere

Jenny Maroney voice: brain no work good

What's it called when it feels like your brain is squinting

Took a nap and had really stressed dreams and woke up drenched in sweat

Flatmate asked if the cat had breakfast yet and i accidentally said "I've eaten her"

It's crazy to be a country singer but have the last name Urban

Save me UKG 140+ bpm.... UKG..... UKG 140+ bpm save me....

Coming to the conclusion that when people are weird about others "labelling" themselves or othets, they are rejecting the concept underlying the "label". They have no problem with "labels" such as "person" for example 🌝

sorry i didn't text you back my cat was being really cute so i was petting her for half an hour

Hungover yesterday so I spent the whole day watching relaxing architect home tour videos and dozing with the cat, 10/10 perfect

*smacking the side of the phone* Give me happier information

I scream, you scream, we all scream cuz it’s all fucked. So very, very fucked.

Tried to ask yes or no questions to a dev today but was BESET by riddles instead 😔

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

logging off

There really is a limit to the return on investment when holding words in a body of text. Baby my dyslexic ass CANNOT read that

For all the whining and crying about "bullying" online, saying that you have to mourn a guy who advocated for your death is like the prime example of how bullying works

Just had a baby/1 Yr old stare and point and smile at me as she was carried down the street 🥹

The Barbican is a relatively recent building complex but it just feels totally beyond the capacity of our society to make anything this cool now, like the remnant of some fallen civilisation whose ruins we live amidst.

I don't really care if the future is short videos. I like words. Words have gotten me this far and I'm gonna stick with 'em for the duration

i don't know what the source of this video is but I love it

Dam OK people on this street never seen someone slav squat against a wall in the sun to smoke I guess 😒

The cat woke me at 7 yelling for breakfast. I got up & fed her and went back to bed. At 8.30 she is yelling again, insistent I wake up. I'm annoyed and we argue. No 2nd breakfast! I make coffee, she is still yelling. I pick her up and take her to the bed for fuss & cuddles. She is happy & purring

No it's fine, I just spent 20 minutes on hold to make an appointment last week, with the on hold message playing every 30 seconds, so that's 40 total on hold pre-recorded messages, only to have them text to say they cancelled it and I need to call back to make another appointment

Cannot enjoy my rich fancy tapas dinner due to pickled onion monster munch induced mouth burns 😔