fact check: bigheaded doggy is, in fact, not a crime and actually a positive thing

been watching matt rose a lot lately so any and all text is now, in my head, narrated by him. it's quite nice actually except for the horny stuff

my one cat sits on the counter to supervise the making of dinner. doesn't try to mess anything up, just sits on the counter, out of the way, and stares at me while im cooking. he is my sous chef

Possum o’clock.

you kept a shrimp as a pet then act surprised that he’s a little scamp?

i need a new tattoo

im good now cause i have the rene descart and spaghetti

im in the giant iggle and i am going to FROW UP why do so many people exist i just need chex materials and to make sure my boy juice is gonna be filled in time

i feel like half of the followers i've received are from me perving on two specific moots and they don't know that i am shrimply a shitposter who is chronically horny. im not posting ass on here bros my cousin follows me

There's a creature living in my house and he goes meow meow meow meow meow

the desire to have a dr pepper and . and onother dr pepper and perhaps a little taste of a dr peper

*during sex* I can see your butt lolz

I'm drinking but my cat is the one falling over bc he is stupid

We just brought home a new friend! This picture was taken by the reptile shop - I won't be bothering our new family member for a few days so she can settle in and relax. Meet Pizza Roll, the albino Pacman Frog 🐸

feel free to send me ideas of doodles for postits on my work area. this is what i have rn, i want my coworkers to think im secretly schizophrenic

he just like me fr!!!

got to high five the turtle who lives at the nursing home

i need like. a minimum of two hours of being awake before i can legally be considered a person. unfortunately i went to bed way too late and subsequently woke up at 6:15, which is like, an hour and 45 minutes before i have to be at work. good luck everybody else!

this but my cats

DOGGY

made sushi bake and ate it while stoney baloney and im gonna cum about it

thinking about the soup i made last night. im probably gonna eat way too much soup when i get home

now i want a french dip

what if i just like. exploded im being dramatic because im bored at work and probably will be for the next 3 hrs. i want to go home i miss my bed and my fat boys

In today’s episode of Fat and Jobless, Nugget was woken up by the hooman preparing for work.

this video has become very important to me

Drake Mallard singing his love song as the object of his affection sits unimpressed #birds

listen ive been praying since my 5'4" glory in 8th grade to just grow two more inches and somehow at my big age of 21, hrt has answered my prayers. i don't mean to sound ungrateful but like do my bones gotta hurt this much about it? i think that's rude

1cm long beauty? he's just like me fr!!!

[flirting with pitbull] so is there a mrs 305?

it snowed for like 18 hrs and the plow still hasn't touched my neighborhood idek about the rest of the city

i love hitting the penny frank and subsequently gaining the ability to blink like a lizard

about to take a nap at my desk tbh

it is snowing sideways. why am i at work rn i should be in snork mimimi land. who in their right mind sees that it's snow and ice outside and think to themselves, "hm i think i will drive to the bank today" (it's old people actually)

my fatass watching my microwaved burritos heat up at 11:30pm

t got me like

; as much as my fear of dogs isn't as overwhelming as it once was, i wish dog owners would be more responsible. sure, you love your dog. i do not love your dog. just as i don't want a random toddler running up & licking me, i don't want a dog jumping up at me all muddy paws & barking in my face. 🙄

My least favorite part of being exhuasted... is being exhuasted while ovulating so im exhuasted but laying her like: BREED BREED BREED BREED BREED BREED BREED BREED!!! CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND PANTING OIKE A DOG IN HEAT.

call me prog the way i make that whore moan

Come with a clear intention. Even if that intention is to fuck the dog shit outta me and go home. State the vision. Make it plain.

i want a hairless cat because it bridges the very human need for animal companionship as well as the overwhelming urge to slap a ham sometimes

Wish I had an owner that put on me a cute collar and a name tag and a cute leash 🥺

i feel like the newest chapter of my life will be trying to outrun the furry allegations. and like. im not even good at walking

this is why ill never own a dog why is this considered normal

asking my cat her secrets

more layers on the primed canvases tonight? i gesso !

big fan of actors who do one thing and like perfect it. just started watching the bear and honestly i could be convinced this is just what lip did with his life.