nightmares don't faze me, but those dreams where you take a really satisfying pee are scary as fuck

if infinite monkeys can write the complete works of shakespeare, what would other animals write?

teaching my brother the dance he did in my dreams

i put my pants on like everyone else, by bouncing off a trampoline and sliding into them

what the fuck is a country anyways?

entering my baking era with pomegranate lemon shortbread cookies

lord have mercy on those of us living in Illinois that don't care about the bears winning their game tonight

this cookie recipe i'm looking at has you preheat the oven,,, before you freeze the cookie dough for a minimum of 2 hours

i need a day by myself wandering in the woods

touch starved gf touch repulsed gf

i think torrenting is so beautiful, looking at the list of your peers is like touching hands with your class siblings all over the world

don't mind if i do

i stepped outside for a few minutes at work last night. the empty streets offered a sense of tranquility. my thoughts wandered to places not very far from me, to places half a world away, to the people that called those places home and the miseries forced on them. it was surreal and disquieting

it's hard to put into words the level of gratitude i feel for being on hrt. i wish everyone could have easy access to it at any age, and for whatever reason

i need a tranny version of Parents Just Don't Understand

my tiredness contains multitudes

i have depicted you as gallant—a busybody, preoccupied with propriety and civility—and myself as goofus—a being of raw will, unbidden by the agonizing artifice of society—therefore i win

downloading the gay hockey show for my wife because that's what real love is all about; letting your soulmate get hot and bothered due to yoked men on ice fucking each other

gallantcels seething at my goofusmaxxing

good gravy is funny as hell because there's no such thing as gravy that's good

they don't let you dry hump walls anymore

if it were me, i would've just kissed the pig. looked like a real cutey tbh

i did not expect to find out kevin o'leary was a vampire while watching marty supreme, but here we are

baby wipes took my shits to a whole new level. don't sleep on this, keep your butthole prim, proper, and free from chafe

going to watch a table tennis playing twink rizz his way through life later

i put the office on as background noise for my pet millennial whenever i'm out of the house

learning to play guitar to spite my neighbor

whip the lambo like I whip that pussy

does she play classical guitar, or is she just a lesbian?

wearing baby hippos as boxing gloves that i'm going to use to beat up other baby hippos

about to physically harm this bitch

so livid i could beat the shit out of a baby hippo

you can't spell scum without cum

got pulled over for picking my nose on the highway 😞

doubly devastated after eating potato chips cooked in tallow, then realizing they do in fact taste better 😫

feeding my baby peanut butter in the hospital parking lot, just in case they end up being allergic to peanuts

going from "lol wtf? 😅" to "...wtf! 😦"

-dude comes into the gas station- him: can i ask you a question, if you promise you won't get mad? me: uhh, sure? (is this dude going to be weird about me being trans or something?) him: is it ok if i jerk it in your bathroom? 💀

i'm actually evil, so i'm wishing you a sad new year

a couple with antisocial tendencies is a prickly pair

there're certain things you can initial on the checklist even though you never do them, because nobody ever bothers to check that you actually did

aren't you a little nair do well

real ones don't wait to start getting that mone in the new year. they hustle and grind through it, and get paid time and a half to do so 😤

i played that bitch like a theremin. that is, i moved my hands around her without ever actually touching her

has there ever been anyone that's eaten as many black beans as me?

is every mistake that is made in a graveyard considered a grave mistake?

i won't be celebrating the "new year" as i don't believe in acknowledging the human perception of linear time

why are fruit pies such textural nightmares?

i'm the quirk chungus your mother warned you about

passing so well i have to help dudes figure out what type of menstrual products to get their girl