Sad, sad news. I am in the process of mocking up some missing person flyers and you can rest assured I will be somberly…makin’ copies.

Happy to report that Shemp joining the Three Stooges was financially lucrative, per his tax records. H/t Brent Seguine

Time to put another one in the case. Let’s #doitforChris

Weird I could have sworn they both gave this a thumbs down

This is how I found out

Bracket Season! Pick your BEST JEFFS (absolutely no Geoffs) www.gojeffgo.com/wp-content/u...

Roses are red, John Stamos is Greek,

Trying to get into Mike Love’s solo stuff

John Stamos won’t play Never Have I Ever with me because I always say “never have I ever been in The Beach Boys for some reason”

why do clowns ride in such a small car when they could get a more spacious Clown Victoria?

Bluey is the KISS of the 2020s. They will slap their name on anything. Just went to the store and they were selling a Bluey at-home blood pressure cuff.

Instead of a rosin bag, Team Italy is using a wet ball of mozzarella

I have created a diorama of the Partridge family attacking the Brady Bunch family. My life is very boring.

Please tell me that it’s not true and just a rumor I made up 10 seconds ago that Citizens Bank Park is charging an extra $3 for hot dog dunking water this year.

Standing in front of the shelf this is on and loudly asking every worker who passes by where they keep their “leprechaun’s delight”

Doing some research into exactly how many rhymes MCA had

I’ve also eaten an entire pumpkin pie in one sitting, but I’m not a highly-touted pitching prospect. So, I guess it’s not “news-worthy”

Check in on your mime friends. The Greater Philadelphia mime scene is so incredibly toxic and too many of us suffer in silence.

When it comes to drama in the Philadelphia mime scene, the less said about it, the better.

The greater Philadelphia mime scene is so insular and cliquey. We will never survive if we keep boxing ourselves in like this.

I just heard some major gossip about the Philadelphia mime scene but you won’t hear it from me

Was running out of gas on the elliptical earlier and then Across 110th Street came on. Dan Reed is the mfn goat.

Putting the finishing touches on my hyper-realistic Jeff Daniels mask

Done meal prep for the week (two 21 ounce cans of apple pie filling and a Diet Dr. Pepper x5)

2.6K likes for a clip from Barry Levinson’s TOYS…the world is in a bad bad place

Someone should write a song about being a lineman for the county.

Every once in awhile I like to remind my loyal followers that my first kiss was with a parrot at an exotic bird show at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. I feel like people should know who it is they are interacting with online. #transparency #netiquette

Don’t like this, don’t care for this at all. Send this creature to hell

Going to the doctor is always an interesting experience. Where else will you be asked questions like, “What role does Metamucil play in your life?”

Had an awesome weekend at Great Wolf Lodge!

MagiQuest is the snake oil of the 2000s. 24 hours later and I’m still feeling shame over having been taken like a common rube.

Being a husky dad means being smart enough to get a snack that only you will want to eat. “You sure you don’t want any spearmint leaves? Okay, well they’re here if you change your mind. Peanut brittle too.”

Have you dreamed this man?

That's weird, she just told me that she didn't even race today.

Just had to make a very difficult phone call to my friend whose name starts with the letter “B” (according to a video I watched earlier, he will shit himself tonight at 3:30 am)

It’s almost like they played a last place schedule in a division where two of the four teams are grossly incompetent.

Kid Rock just fell off the stage. Lots of blood

My parents would never pay full price for things so I wore a Seahawks starter jacket throughout grade school because it was the only one that fit me at the Starter outlet in Williamsburg, VA. For that reason, and also owing largely to the fact that they are playing the vile patriots, I say: Go birds

Roses are red, Flags are unfurled,

Guys you gotta take reindeer organs

me proudly carrying the Olympic Torch but also looking at my phone

If you recognize the man in this picture, it is time to schedule a colonoscopy.

Thomas Pynchon-ass reality

I went to a lot of loud concerts as a young man so I’m going to need someone to isolate the president’s pants pooping like it were Marvin Gaye vocals.

Highs in the 70s on XPN is straight mf gas

Wasn’t buying all the Giannis to the Sixers talk until I just saw that Nia Vardalos is going to ring the bell at the next home game.

I mean, where else would they be?

I’ve had 40 songs achieve this