Signed up for 5 minutes at the Riyadh open mic tonight

Finally understand what that 90’s band was getting at

Boycotting the NFL if they don’t add Charlie Kirk wigs to every team’s helmets by this weekend

Ignoring the pot/kettle aspect and just asking what the hell is a Dominos Pizza line? When was the last time you’ve been outside?

imo, Donald Trump should not have laid in state in the Capitol rotunda if he was still alive. Thats where this all started

The new Deftones is so fucking good. One of like maybe 3 good things in the world right now

You spoke, we listened. Cracker Barrel is re-rebranding to a cartoon of Jesus in a leather jacket. We aren’t Cracker Barrel anymore either, our name is that cartoon, however you want to say it. Also the bathroom changing tables are equipped to handle 300+ lbs for mandatory adult genital inspections

Restaurant name idea: Sullivan’s Bar & Grille

Batman crashing through a sky light and planting a big wet one on your smackers. Locking eyes and saying “gimme kiss”

They’ll call me a hater but I think we should arrest LeBron James until we figure out what’s going on with his biggest media gassers

This has happened to me twice and it’s a beautiful experience

All celebrities have died. RIP celebrities (1972-2025)

The White House has announced that Trump is actually in the Bepstein Files. Different set of files that are only about legal things. I think we can all move on.

Always loved Norm’s Burt Reynolds impression

Look I’ll just get ahead of it. I have a letter in there too but I swear I didn’t know about any of this shit

Ordered a limited edition Chicago hot dog pizza and I showered first so that I’d be clean for it

Looking at the B52’s through the glass as they record Love Shack in my studio. Locked in on Fred Schneider as he does his parts. He sees me and looks away. This is not a serious man.

First thoughts on the new Deftones song: the title does not use any capital letters. Just small. Right off the bat, this band is declaring they aren’t interested in any rules or norms. I’ll share further thoughts in the coming months. Stay tuned.

Linda and MechaHitler have fallen in love, and she’s doing this to avoid a conflict of interest. Kind of sweet, actually

I was at the Bezos wedding. Jeff had never heard the song Shout before and it clearly rattled him. He had to sit down for it. He spent the rest of the night asking what that song was called. It’s just one word, pretty easy to remember, but it just wouldn’t stick. Then he just wandered off

My colleague

Larry getting nachos

Just got a text from my good friend Andrew Cuomo containing only 2 letters: HT And I know exactly what it means. Just turned on the jets in the hot tub and stocked up on clean towels. We’re gonna drink. We’re gonna laugh. We’re gonna soak. We’re gonna forget all this.

Give Stephen A a break. He has always remained haunted by the death of his dear friend and collaborator Jeff Buckley in Memphis in 1997. He’s never gotten over it

Hard to say but I know that before social media you’d have to call in to sports radio to air your political grievances

Golf has been missing a guy juggling 3 phones and telling you an NFL backup is switching agents

Buy your war bonds from me, not from Mike Ricks. Mike is a scumbag and his bonds don’t hold up. My bonds are great and you get them fast. Monkey Mike’s bonds won’t get to you until WW4 lol, don’t waste your $

Thinking about seeing Live at the zoo

I know nothing about this band but just learned they’re at Summerfest the day we’re going and I’m becoming a groupie even if sex is involved

Lot of scary stuff going on so maybe this isn’t the time but I saw a guy that looked like Steve Zahn today

RIP Brian Wilson. As many of you know, I have only ever listened to one song in my life (Silent Lucidity by Queensryche), but I like to think any song and songwriter that came before paved the way for it to enter my life. I thank you for your contribution 🙏

You guys need to check back in on the other site for a second

The t-shirt thing is played out. I want to see an NBA arena pull off a nude-out

Something I’ve learned after a few days of being around birds is that they’re crazy. They just flip out at random times and fly off yelling and screaming. They start eating from a feeder and you think okay that looks normal but even then something sets them off. I think it may be tied to feathers

I’ve been trying to incorporate the band Chevelle into a new commonly-used saying and would appreciate your help with getting “boy, that person is a few hits short of a Chevelle album if you know what I mean” off the ground

I just arrived at Cannes to promote the 1997 Michael Richards comedy Trial and Error. Yeah, I know. I’m late. But I said I’d do it so I’m doing it.

The celebs are out at the Garden for Knicks-Celtics! Jonathan Silverman from The Single Guy. Joey Slotnick from The Single Guy. Lenny Kravitz. Ming-Na Wen from The Single Guy.

Jokić shooting around amongst tasteful barstools

Latrell also told me I was even more beautiful in person

Not to be lost in all the Pope news: the band Keane has named a new Keane. It’s Miloš Keane out of Serbia

The Pornhub Awards were held at A.K. Rick’s Bar & Pub in Fremont, IL last night. Mike Lensky and “It’s Melanie” won for Best Sex

The global Catholic faith is about to learn what a proper deep dish communion looks like

Nathan Fielder is solid at a certain kind of humor but I’m not willing to call him “funny” until I see more funny face mugging, Jack Black-type stuff. Would love to see if he could carry a genuine uh-oh spaghetti-os situation

The Celtics lost that game because their minds were on one thing: girls! If I’m the coach I’m taking away all their phones and dvd players. Get their minds out of sex and into the games!

Met Gala recap! Only 2 guests showed up tonight (comedian Bill Irwin and NHL legend Marty McSorley). Irwin did his typical old timey suit and hat thing. McSorley wore a red shirt.

There’s one word on everyone’s minds, hearts and lips today: horse

Knicks playing like close out guys tonight. When I hung with my close out guys we’d wear the typical close out attire. Leather jacket, baggy jeans, oakleys. Knicks wearing basketball uniforms which okay sure. But they get the spirit of it.

LeBron is the GOAT*! *Getting Oliminated All Thetime

Tim Duncan: confirmed cryptid enthusiast

Starting a Hot Ones style web series but with poison. Real lethal poisons. The best you can hope for is just getting really sick and no hardball questions from me (good luck with that one)