It’s okay to not be okay with not being okay. Nobody’s okay, okay?

My plant is still dying despite all the love and water I gave it. So now I’m watering myself with wine and feeding my soul with cheese. Let’s see who thrives.

What’s wrong with people who actually reach out after you said “feel free to reach out if you need anything”?

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

I think they need a vaccine that makes people with little brain power more empathetic

If a genie asks you to choose between true love and free daily pizza, what kind of cheese are you getting on it?

Living my best life by being sarcastic as fuck.

I can rise but the shine part takes a little longer.

Doctors don't follow people around and hit them with a stick when they're dumb anymore, and I think it's sad.

Eternal damnation is reserved for people who ruin jokes online.

Some days I need a stunt double to get through these days

Currently in a toxic relationship with my fridge. I keep going back, full of hope. It lights up, but it's cold and empty inside.

Welcome to your 50s. No one knows how, but you’ve screenshot your home screen three times today. Again.

We all have that one stupid song. We know it’ll hurt. We don't want to hurt. We hit play anyway.

I’m not obsessed with food. It's just literally the only stable thing in my life, for fuck’s cake.

Not being popular on social media is great.

Constant excellence is exhausting. I just want to be average in peace now.

Screaming “just find food!” at survival show contestants while I’m in AC, eating chips, getting a foot rub.

My family has been torn apart by a crippling whipped cream addiction.

"Girls don’t want diamonds, they want respect.” Actually, we want both. With fries, extra cheese and a beer to go.

The hardest things to see can be right in front of you..

I do have abs. They're just introverts.

Idk who needs to hear this, but Spain is in Europe and Paris is not a continent, it's the capital of Italy.

I could be funny, smart, or insanely hot, but I chose the path of humility.

Always carry a spare "fuck" even when you have very few left.

Have box, will fit!!😂

Every morning I pass the airport on my way to work and think: what if my bills just figured themselves out?

Why do they keep adding more stupid buttons to remotes? No one uses them because no one knows what they're for.

The fire doesn’t really stop, it just doesn’t have a place to burn right now..

Call your senators. This bill is heading to them next and they can stop it if the people speak out. (202) 224-3121

A smutty bookstore called Happy Endings.

You’re always my Trinity..

Of course it's over simplified it's a skeet and that's the point

Of all the nicknames I’ve had over the years, my least favourite has to be ‘the accused’.

i’m not always a trainwreck. just kidding, toot toot.

*uses blinker when driving off a cliff*

Do you really have insomnia or are you just ignoring the fact you were built to be a vampire?

At 20, I’d hear a weird noise and stay up all night with a weapon. At 40, I just turn off the light and hope whoever it is finishes the job.

He’s a ten, but wears compression socks during sex.

If running has taught me anything, it’s that I have the hips of an old German Shepherd.

Welcome to your 50's. Now you yell at the TV when someone uses a metal spatula on a nonstick pan like an absolute maniac.

I see that many of you genuinely love salad, so I feel obligated to share my family’s secret for upgrading it: -Step 1: Add steak -Step 2: Add potatoes Yw

My toxic trait is saying "we’ll see" knowing damn well I already saw and the answer is fuck no.

My left hand is so useless, I call it Mister President.

If life were fair, I’d be the one deciding who gets to drive and who absolutely shouldn’t.