Every time I see them I am forced to Google which Jonas hurt my dear sweet close personal friend Sophie Turner and it's so annoying. Can we just make him wear a little tag?

We are witnessing one of the most diabolical Substack subscriber ploys/longest bamboo metaphors in history right now. What a time to be alive.

She’s going to be in Oh Mary I called this like a year ago

In other news, they're literally moving Tehran because it's out of water. NBD. It's fine. This is fine. It's allllll going fine.

Who HASN'T confused a pussy palace for a dojo

Love to listen to my favorite pop star Lily Allen sing lines like "I didn't know it was your pussy palace, I always thought it was a dojo" that simply anyone can relate to

Do you think they talked about the tribulations of having Aloof Wives

Time to play my favorite game: Which Mormon Wife Am I Looking At? I AM ACTUALLY VERY BAD AT IT

I know I'm a flop hag. I've come to terms with it. I've moved on.

On behalf of his Millennial constituents, I sincerely hope that on day one of the Mamdani Administration Zohran looks out the window of his office at City Hall and calls out to his staff "Somebody get me the Ghostbusters!" This is a huge responsibility.

Feeling pretty bummed in general in my life and have decided that the only solution is to buy a bunch of very pretty things I don't need and absolutely can't afford. When has that ever not worked.

In April 2020, @zohrankmamdani.bsky.social gave his empty pandemic campaign office on Steinway to my friend Macaela as a home for her new Astoria Food Pantry. Five 1/2 years later, the pantry is still a vital source for mutual aid, and Mamdani is going to be Mayor! www.astoriafoodpantry.com

See, every ten years or so some young, energetic progressive talks about taxing the already very rich and wins in a landslide. Then the Democrats go "hmmm must've been the font"

Suddenly I am deeply concerned Curtis Sliwa will be president.

Mamdani's celebration party is in downtown Brooklyn because this is what happens when a guy from Astoria gets cool: he starts making you ride the train for an hour to Brooklyn to hang out with him.

Engaging in the traditional Halloween ceremony of watching Rocky Horror and screaming about how Tim Curry is a once in-a-generation talent.

the mafia using x-rays to cheat at poker and thieves doing a louvre heist, the matrix is very clearly running out of ideas. what's next, celebs in space??

Day 66 of trying to be hired by Andrew Cuomo

I can't have kids bc I'd be too tempted to give them wrong information like "COVID is a disease Tom Hanks gave everyone so they had to close all the movie theaters for a year"

New York Post (winds up fist) I swear to GOD

You're absolutely right — starting a land war in Asia wasn't just a bad call, it's 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗯𝗹𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀. Thank you for calling me out on that — really. I'll be extra-strategic from now on. Would you like me to get cracking on those 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝗻 𝗠𝗼𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗗𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿?

I think instead of spending $50-60 million per episode of Stranger Things we (as a culture and an economy) should make 150 episodes of The Chair Company

the really great thing about this is now every physical therapy appointment starts with a 5 minute deep dive into a song we like, today was father figure bc we BOTH were listening to it when we walked in and had to pause it AT THE SAME PART. what a magical week this has been.

if taylor swift's new album has two fans, it's me and my physical therapist kyle. if it has no fans, someone has killed me and physical therapist kyle. call the police.

I have an essay in me about how many of our biggest pop stars now are people who make work about how much they wish they could've done the sort of normal life stuff that the rest of us take for granted, but I worry it will make people clinically depressed.

The only person I think has any right to be actually mad at this Taylor Swift album is Nicole Kidman. Imagine the Taylor Swift album that comes out during your divorce is her being all like "isn't it great marrying an awesome hot dude" I'd be incandescent.

Me enjoying Taylor Swift's very fun new song called 'wood'

Taylor reuniting with Max Martin certainly is good news for music. Even better news for music would be her somehow breaking up with Jake Gyllenhaal again. THOSE were some gd songs, baby.

Wait, they shut down the government for the Taylor Swift album? Okay even I think this is going too far.

Becky Lynch and Taylor Swift both turned heel this year AND THAT MEANS SOMETHING I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT

I am ready for Evil Taylor Swift. I have wanted this for so long. I want her to fight everyone. I want her to bully ME. I want her to be the one that sets off the nukes that finally end our civilization while she sings about her p*ssy being WET FROM HATE.

"i take money from saudi and don't feel bad bc america does bad stuff too" oh grow up. we all know the reason you don't feel bad is that you love being rich more than you care about people you don't know having rights. cut the SHIT!

Wow their ideological spectrum goes all the way from the far-right to the right

just three more sleeps until WOOD, i've never been more ready

I can't believe we're just four sleeps away from finding out what Taylor Swift has to say about wood.

Instead of solving problems that exist, tech now tries to convince us of the existence of problems, like "cant wear a computer on your face" and "hard to record everyone you look at all the time"

folks I am very upset to find out so many people thought that the anti-cancel culture bros would defend the rights of others. not wanting other people to have equal say was the whole reason they were mad.

great news! you're not actually seeing karl rove, john yoo, and david frum criticize the administration's lawlessness more stridently than dem leadership. you, reader, were infected with rabies by a brown bat 36 hours ago and this is all just the virus working its way through your nervous system

Kimmel is now legally eligible to become the left's Joe Rogan

My lib Episcopal priest had a stirring, powerful sermon about how to be like Christ is to mourn every death if these guys want to come by

Jennifer Coolidge I will protect you when society collapses

Matt Berry always looks like he found out he was supposed to go to this three hours ago and that is what makes him so cool

Welp it's official, I'm "why don't people put the year on the holiday cards they send me so I can organize them more easily" years old.

For legal reasons I can't say how I know as I am a US resident with no access to Channel 4 but 'Mitchell and Webb Are Not Helping' is really good!!!!!!!!!!

The Sport of Queens 🤼

One of my more vain frustrations as a pundit is that the rise of an incredibly straightforward and psychologically transparent politics of hierarchy & domination is boring to write about week after week. There are not exactly *developments* of MAGA ideology so much as repeated *iterations.*

I have now seen Weapons and am excited to announce it is actually about addiction destroying families. It's also surprisingly funny. Loved it!

My close personal friend Taylor Swift, my wife Rhea Ripley, and my mentor Matt Berry are all doing really well, while my mortal enemy Andrew Cuomo nears defeat. I'm counting my blessings in these trying times.

Overnight, this extremely well-funded tech company run by a billionaire has gone from “There’s no way we can possibly stop our plagiarism machine from convincing children to kill themselves” to “If you type anything we don’t like, we’re calling the cops.” Either way, they take zero responsibility.

Jobs websites are a list of things other people want you to do. There should be a website with a list of things that I want to do