Celebrating Bob Dylan’s 85th birthday by switching to an electric toothbrush

i'll always remember where i was when i heard the devastating news that the president hadn't been shot

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

[Me, running into a time-traveling Ronald Reagan in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jack the Gipper

Top ten Paul McCartney albums: 10. Flaming Pie 9. London Town 8. Electric Argunents 7. McCartney II 6. Memory Almost Full 5. McCartney 4. Venus and Mars 3. Chaos and Creation in the Back Yard 2. Band on the Run 1. Ram

Pro tip: Guys, don't text unsolicited dick pics to women. Text them tasteful charcoal drawings of your dick instead

‪Ask your doctor if smooching him on the lips is right for you‬

Guys at a diner: gas is too expensive Trump: let’s do a pogrom Guys at a diner: excellent compromise sir

Honkers, if you will

thats not baby yoda. youre thinking of baby yoda's monster

Logan’s Run, but for when you make too much money

Takeout/delivery and cooking your own food are both wrong. Instead you should be extracting atmospheric dust, nutrients, and moisture using specialized microscopic hairs called trichomes.

Man is the only animal that plays harmonica professionally

Raffi cover of Closer by NIN

Trump did not reach a settlement with the government. There was no case to settle. He has not created a slush fund. He has colluded with Todd Blanche to steal money from the US Treasury. This is not a “deal.” This is a crime for which Trump & Blanche must be prosecuted. It ia a crime.

GUY DYING OF TUBERCULOSIS IN 1910: I wish I was getting addicted to sportsbetting right now

[on the set of Scarface] AL PACINO: say hello to my little friend [opens jacket to reveal a tiny kitten] DIRECTOR: son of a bitch CUT

The 2380s called, they want their time machine back

I drew Captain Picard for you

My team of monkeys on typewriters wrote the complete works of Shakespeare correctly on the first try so I'm giving them the rest of the day off

Whenever I see someone wearing a digital watch with calculator buttons I assume they're a time traveler from 1991 and I warn them about the future

1000 giorni di italiano su Duolingo! Posso avere un "sì, cavolo"?

I watched the brightest minds of my generation go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Interviewer: So why do you want to- Me: REVENGE Interviewer: Me: Interviewer: Welcome aboard

Pick a Bond from the photos you already have on your phone.

John, Paul, George, Ringo, Yoko, Pete Best

There’s a glaring historical inaccuracy in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming film of The Odyssey: they didn’t have cameras back then. Theatres should have a blank screen and an old man reading out the script

Update: they’re just gonna go with Timothy Dalton again

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor KING: no send all the horses and men ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless KING: all of them i said

“My Humps”

No such thing as 24-hour cable news

Steven Spielberg’s Plan 9 From Outer Space

Remember, you can’t spell Bluesky without Bluesk

In conclusion,

Douglas Adams was a true visionary for realizing that if doors could talk, that would actually be really terrible.

We lost Douglas Adams 25 years ago today. This has made a lot of people very sad and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

My town isn’t surreal enough so I’m drawing up plans for a 40,000 sqft Dada center

The high pitched screaming will continue until morale improves

‪The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a Ted Talk is a good guy with a Ted Talk‬

‪Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. No, closer than that. Kiss your enemies. Kiss them‬

Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

I am become Def, destroyer of Leppards

{Hearing the shouts of jubilant drunks outside} ugh, the Knicks won

One side is like “can we disenfranchise all the Black voters by this weekend” and the other is like gotta follow the rules that govern the rules that control the rulebook

I’ll vote for whichever 2028 candidate promises reconstruction 2.0 at this point