Been for a beach walk today. Took less than 20 minutes for the kid to get a welly full of seawater. He enjoyed it tho

A long time ago when me & @nonplussedobserver.bsky.social shared a fiat, I was being a bit* of a miserable arsehole, he eventually snapped & said “fuck me it’s like sharing a flat with fucking Morrissey” (*a lot. I totally deserved it)

The Lord of The Rings movies were rated PG-13. By current rules that means each film could contain one use of the word "Fuck". Which line are you altering to insert the most useful swear word? “You shall not fucking pass!”

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean? I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face! THANKYOUVERYMUCH!

So yeah. Our oven blew up. Lollz I’m catering for 13 people. Massive lollz

In extreme cuteness news. Our fireplace has a letter, a cookie, a small bottle of milk and a carrot on it As soon as the cat stops lying on my hair I’m eating the biscuit, drinking the milk and taking a bite out of the carrot

Mrs Safe has requested that I introduce her to the baby Guinness tonight. Right you are then luv, leave it with me

Saw a fox in the grounds of Llanedyn school while dropping the kid off at nursery this morning. A beautiful specimen too!

How I’m turning up to the Bluesky Christmas party

Paused the TV while I went to get us some snacks. Lollz Mrs Safe has (quite justifiably I think) called me a fucking bellend

Paused the TV while I went to get us some snacks. Lollz Mrs Safe has (quite justifiably I think) called me a fucking bellend

I’m reminded of watching two old ladies ask a teenage goth for directions and she politely told them and when she was out of earshot one lady said “You know where you are with a goth”

Many years ago when my maternal grandfather died, my mum ended up with his writing bureau. It was of great sentimental significance to her so when she emigrated to Australia she insisted I had it Problem was it’s an ugly thing & I didn’t want it around our house, so I tied a rope around it, dragged

- Peachy, I'm heartily ashamed for gettin' you killed instead of going home rich like you deserved to, on account of me bein' so bleedin' high and bloody mighty. Can you forgive me? - That I can and that I do, Danny, free and full and without let or hindrance - Danny: Everything's all right then.

Walliams finally outed as the danger he’s always been, Jake Paul gets his jaw broken and Stephen Yaxley-Bellend gets called a racist prick to his face & scuttles off like an absolute cunt, whining “grOomINg gaNGs” in a squeaky voice I know I’ve been good all year, but Santa’s excelled himself

As a former editor of Popbitch – and the proud owner of a legal letter sent by HarperCollins, accusing me of being "highly likely to cause serious harm to [their former star client]’s reputation both as an individual and author” – may I just say: GET IT RIGHT UP YE

Edge of Tomorrow is on later. Any chap who says he wouldn’t let Edge of Tomorrow Emily Blunt peg him is almost certainly lying

For anyone that’s interested….in just did forward roll. Ok my neck made a bit of a funny noise, but I did it! First one in a few decades

Why are Sony such absolute twats about storage formats? Just tried connecting a USB drive to a Sony TV, a feature that’s sold as being an integral part of this TV However it’s shit it’s britches so much when tried to play a simple MP4 format file it’s required a full plug-out-of-the-wall restart

Flu jab earlier today. Not gonna lie, starting to feel ropey here lads

“Everywhere I look you’re all I see, just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be”

Jared Leto

Fuuuuuuuuuck no

Random question. Me & Mrs safe are having a “growing up poor” conversation How many of you wet salad cream?

Well the head of the armed forces can suck my balls, mr garrison

Just been for a run. I hate running in the mornings but at the moment it’s the only time I can spare I have to admit it is tranquil and scenic though

If you see this, we IMPLORE YOU to post a picture from whatever device you are using without explanation.

Targeted abuse but disabling replies though. Top tier shithousery

No, I don’t think you’re specifically targeting me, I just genuinely think you’re a bellend

not the kind of behavior I expect from the winner of the fifa peace prize

Get a fucking real job, you bum

I think Oscar approves of our new rug. It’s quite dull but very comfy

why does this cunt look like his own waxwork dummy that's been left in the sun too long?

Old King Cole passed legislation against mixing shredded cabbage with mayonnaise. This is Cole's Law

What exactly are you trying to sell me here CharlotteTilbury??

Beautiful red, orange and grey sky at 7:30ish this morning. Sadly i was too bleary to capture a decent pic of it

Fuck me tho, Chris Eubank is such a fucking cunt it actually blows my mind, the cunt

Leaving Las Vegas. Having grown up with an alcoholic the acting in this is superbly observed

Best reaction to that racist dickhead falling off a lamppost I've seen today. "I fought the floor and the floor won"

Just at been out for lunch before heading off to meet @theednawatkins.bsky.social Mrs Safe takes our kid to swimming lessons on Friday afternoons & he hates it so we go to the hotel bar for scran (which he likes) then spring it on him that he’s going swimming so he can’t kick off, all works

Now it’s Christmas, the festive shower mat is out

If handing someone their arse, was a video clip

Day off today (because I’m heading to see that rotter @theednawatkins.bsky.social later) Next doors builders have done that hilarious thing where they do all their drilling/disc cutting/hitting things with hammers/slamming van doors/generally being noisy cunts at 8am and are now silent again, so

who decided to call it Secret Santa when Nondisclosure Claus was right there

definitely the pickle most people dislike me instantly, some tolerate me but those who persevere end up realising they actually love pickles

in my early 20s, most weekends i hung out at a particular club with a group of around 8 male friends. we were part of a wider, mixed sex group of friends and aquaintances as is often the case there are groups within groups & i had a particular friendship with this one lad i once overheard

Die Hard every year there's the faux outrage about whether or not its a Christmas film, glossing over the more important point of whether or not its a shit film (which it is)

orange with hints of red

next doors fucking dog!