What I’m wearing to the rapture

Just had a weekend away at a child-friendly place. 2 observations 1. Three minutes feels like a lifetime when your 3 yo disappears in a soft-play warehouse 2. Whenever there’s a gathering of children, it’s *always* the kid in full football kit who’ll be the biggest most awful cunt amongst them

Whatever happened to bungee jumping? Used to be you couldn’t have any sort of public event without a 200ft crane bring present You could landmark tje direction you needed to go by the sight of it

Pepper by the Butthole Surfers Easy by Faith No More Rasputin by Boney M

Been away for the weekend. This was the view that greeted me when we got up this morning. Can you tell we were tired when we got home last night

A whole bunch of high profile Kirk fans who have spent a fortnight elevating him to martyr status assembling in the same place to commemorate some unhinged nihilist taking him out, what's the worst that could happen, deeplol.

Not part of the actual game dialog but Ngl this plays in my head most days youtu.be/_DimZ1upYMU

Walk your own path

Bandit Heeler is the greatest TV dad of all time and I am willing to fight about it.

I understand by all the vitriol that Vindaloo has been in #totp I once made the nipples to go on a cake shaped like a pair of tits (baked by @nonplussedobserver.bsky.social’s wife) that was entered into a cake competition judged by Keith Allen We didn’t win.

Erm…..that’s not how any of this works, Tesco

Nah, any fella who says they wouldn’t let Edge of Tomorrow Emily Blunt peg them is straight up lying

Gwan then (I’ll never listen to it myself, hate the sounding my voice!)

I’m going in on Alien Earth episode 7

Been cooking this morning. got a long weekend away & wanted something to take for the 1st night. A neighbour & running club mate has broken her arm so I told her I’d make her something, and we need something for tea tonight Neighbour is coeliac so I made a vat of gluten free cheese sauce then

Reminder: The existence of these in most Scottish supermarkets and corner shops is proof that anyone shilling for the notion that multiculturalism can't work on this island is a charlatan

Pictures of Britain’s fucking king with his chest full of medals, all of which are variations on “mummy’s special little soldier” the fucking awful leeching gammon-hands waste of money. Just the sight of him makes me incandescent. Come on you cunt, drop dead in time for a Halloween bank holiday

Took the kid to the cafe on the way to nursery this morning. There’s a local fella with a degenerative neurological condition that makes him involuntarily twitch & spasm Kid saw him & went LOOK. LOOK AT HIM. LOOK HES DANCING. LOOOOK Not gonna lie I wanted the earth to open up & devour me

If you see this, quote with the energy you bring to Bluesky.

Guess which twat sat on the remote at 2:30am, turning the TV on and convincing me we were being burgled Obvs once I’d got the courage to investigate then switch it off he followed up with coming upstairs to lie on my legs. He’s nearly 1 stone, my feet were going numb It’s a good job he’s cute!

Yay! Another whole day in the office because some people are lonely and love the sound of their own voice Today could realistically be an email

BREAKING: The police have confirmed they won't be charging any of the violent far-right rioters with terrorism because they only do that for grandmas in wheelchairs who hold up signs they don't like ♥️

Make a band singular Garfunkel

Fred West was a husband and a…oh, wait no

most of us have been guilty of this at some point (i know i have) but i promise to be more vigilant to avoid it in future. i'm here for shits & giggles not rage

In a group I'm part of, this is called "sharing the awful" and is only permitted if it's providing context for a request for help or action. We know everything is terrible. Let's not spread it further.

a short thread 25 years ago today....TWENTY FIVE WHOLE YEARS! me & Mrs Safe got married we were on holiday in Vegas (my first time outside Europe) and as we walked around we saw a lot of fully gowned brides/fully suited grooms just wandering around casino floors. in one casino we saw...

Livin’ for the city

Evil Dead. scarred me for months!

The proportions on the commemorative funko pop are going to be insane

The radio this morning are doing a “how far have you travelled for a gig” so I’ve texted in. I’ve got a 5000+ mile trip with an associated tale that I’ll be regaling you with tomorrow

I once had a fight with Anthony Caswell because I said his mum looked like their chihuahua & he took offence. Touchy!

Something I can never have - Nine Inch Nails

New press release from Charlie kirk: "Agggghhh agggghhh it's so hot down here agggghhhhhhh"

Think I might have a drink, which I am able to drink because of my entirely intact throat and neck.

Just seen that Charlie Kirk dude getting shot. Size on that head of his it’s no wonder they got him. Stevie Wonder could’ve hit that head from 100 yards away

@ohyertiz.bsky.social it’s your birthday? Happy birthday ! What a truly excellent day to have a birthday. (It’s my birthday today too)

Pretty and beautiful (which are 2 very different things) are mostly looks-based. Sexy has nothing to do with looks/appearance & is more vibes-based

PARKLIFE!

ANDREWS A SWEATY NONCE

why do bastarding iPhones always shit the bed when you try to do something really simple like copy some photos onto a PC. 2 hours & i'm getting a bit stabby now tbqhwy

Best Welsh Chinese takeaway name possible:

honestly, i'd happily pay him that much just to fuck off & never come back, the ridicul;ous cunt

Happy birthday @valleyguitarist.bsky.social hope you have a lush day butt

Off out later to cheer on a mate who’ll be finishing her 6th and final ultra marathon of the year This one ends in Parc Penallta opposite the massive horse sculpture. If you’re unaware of this magnificent artwork, you really should check out this link www.atlasobscura.com/places/sulta...

just been googling the place we got married, looking for ideas for a card for our upcoming anniversary. i didn't realise Slash and Sinead O'Connor both got married at the same place as us (not to each other obvs)

Passion 2: Passion Harder

Had a steroid injection between 2 of my toe bones earlier. Done under local anaesthetic so I didn’t feel much past the anaesthetic injection. The anaesthetic is just starting to wear off & my foot is starting to feel a bit “boom-BOOM, boom-BOOM” I might use this as an excuse for chippy tea