open your eyes cowpeople

*shuffles out of my bog to pin a picture to the town notice board and then shuffles away*

in America they have a 92 year old man named Willy and they won't let him stop working. t hey push him on stage and he cries and they don't care he has to sing all his songs before they let him go

"the cycle"

"you shouldn't drink zero sugar energy drinks that shit shortens your lifespan!"

sugar free drinks are so good when u ain't got a bitch in ur ear telling u that aspartame is poison

magic expert

it is w i m d y my dudes

Yea

Coworkers complained to HR again about my stink lines 😒

excited to get horned up watching THE FLY tonight and to see naked buff jeff goldblum turn into a flesh monster @pjkatie420.bsky.social

can't believe the only thing I needed to do to fix my self esteem was get my septum re-pierced I feel sO DAMN CUTE

gardening season begins

the smart bird feeder is now a load bearing institution for my mental health

accidentally bought Ocean Breeze scented wormwood from the alchemist and all of my potions for the past couple of weeks have smelled like your mom's car in the 90s

back on my bullshit again // please rate my tinder bio on a scale of smash or pass

turns out exercise can fix ur libido and I'm this close 👌 to downloading the apps again please please talk me out of it

To improve efficiency we are replacing due process with "Just trust me bro"

me to barista: yeah I kind of think that I would have been a really good papal inquisitor. like I would be really good at coming up with questions that are hard for heretics to lie about barista: fool that you are, and wicked as well, for there is none more wayward than the heresiarch you call Pope

This is my 32nd piece for substack since last June! Pretty proud of this loloverruled.substack.com/p/you-cant-f...

me in the grocery store parking lot ripping a roast chicken apart with my bare hands

one day I hope to become as powerful as the dude at my gym who works out in jeans and a tshirt. no shoes. socks only. living his best life while us mortals look on in awe

From: [email protected] Subj: Death Threat I will put you in a deep hole -Enemy 𝙷𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚙𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎: [ 𝑺𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒈𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕! ] [ 𝑪𝒂𝒏 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒊𝒍𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕? ] [ 𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌𝒔 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖? ]

the internet was a better place when it just looked like this

80s and 90s babies what's up

it's okay guys they don't hate me I just haven't taken my ssris for 2 days and my brain thinks the world is ending for a different more self centered reason

half the time I think I am the most gorgeous creature in the world and the other half I want to dig my fingers into my eye sockets and peel the skin from my face so I don't have to look at it

the bed and the shower are where I do my best work (maladaptive daydreaming)

Please check out my piece today, I know people have kicked the tires on this but I think it’s an important one loloverruled.substack.com/p/whos-next

civics class coming in handy as I explain to my non-Commonwealth friends what the fuck a "chief government whip" is

The AI's songwriting astounded Valley investors, one walking out of the room with tears in his eyes at the computer's delicate phrasing. It was only after researching its heart-rending lyrics "freak without warning" and "me so horny" that they learned it had simply been repeating 2 Live Crew

There should be a happy mode for your phone where you only get notifications about good stuff. Sorry pal if you want me to see your email you better put good news in it

rechecked the views on my ig stories to see if they've seen them yet, I need to be taken out back and shot

Ads on my seeing stone now. What exactly am I paying the wizards guild 8 shillings a month for?

we'll be in touch

got sent some real good lewds this morning excuse me while I combust

taking the bus on Sunday to get to the gym was a miscalculation so you KNOW I need to take a million gym selfies to make it worth it

The Ides of March 44 BC is notorious as the day that Roman senators wore pink to protest the actions of Julius Caesar

*taps sign*

When I find myself in times of trouble, Dire Straits comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, Money for nothing Chicks for free

GRIMES HAS DIED OF BIRD FLU

she’s going to be the first bird flu death

LOL - dashare.zone ADMIN

"eww qunari look so ugly in veilguard" skill issue, couldn't be me