The male loneliness epidemic but, like, NOT in a way that makes it anyone else’s problem.

“The depths of human creativity and depravity are two sides of the same coin.” – @vicmsong.bsky.social talking Furby

Played a game of Dishwasher Operation* and lost. * Try to snake your arm around the screaming hot heating element of a just-run dishwasher to pick up a fallen fork

Me whenever I’m doing endless repetitive shit with an X-acto blade: I wish I had a Cricut. Me whenever I’m shopping for a Cricut: I would sooner stick an X-acto blade in my neck than buy a DRM-encumbered online-only paper cutter.

Furious at Hayao Miyazaki for not actually telling me How Do You Live. I need answers.

THE AGE OF BOBOT IS UPON US (consensually)

Girl, that Valentine’s Day post on Instagram is somewhat undermined by the 364 days per year you post on not-Instagram about the ways your boyfriend makes you sad.

My brain has a unique talent for turning even the nicest dream into horror. Romantic meetcute → impulsive flight to far-off lands → plane upside-down screaming crying death.

If we can just pinpoint the superyacht’s location, maybe we can lure those yacht-sinking whales near it and…

Being mid-life while the world is in crisis DOESN’T make this a mid-life crisis.

I just watched “Jim Henson: Idea Man” and (between sobs) was further impressed that Eliza has worked with The Jim Henson Company on multiple projects! 🐌

Rewatching the “Live at The 10 Spot” Radiohead concert broadcast on MTV the year I graduated high school. The Paramount vultures, having scraped any remaining meat from MTV’s bones, will soon discard it altogether. Feeling rather picked over myself, to be honest. radiohead.com/library/#okc...

Hello, Reed Diffuser Company tech support? How do I turn down the volume on this thing? It has 50% too much smell.

I’ve discovered the secret to infinite free money: Switch wireless plans so your bill goes from $115/mo to $30/mo. You can then use “But I’m saving $85 every month!” to justify literally any stupid purchase…forever!

Every time I open Bluesky to post something, I say to myself “It would be better if you were telling this to a therapist” and, duly chastised, I close the app.

Between @pftompkins.bsky.social’s statements and that hitchhiking robot being destroyed within minutes of arriving, Philadelphia has always been on the right side of the AI debate.

Making it my life’s mission to complete the YFI 69.

What they fail to mention on the product page for these sustainable compostable bamboo toothbrushes is that they’re so enormous it’s like trying to brush your teeth with a fucking broom handle. Anyways I recently picked up a new hobby, whittling.

Still kinda pissed at the Honors English teacher who shamed me for (correctly) using the word “conflagration”.

@siracusa.social I was so tired of Red Dot Syndrome that I created a Shortcut to launch Settings and gave it a transparent PNG of the Settings icon. I imagine the janky animation would bother you as much as the badge itself, but I’m willing to tolerate it.

Hot take: I don't think you should be allowed to use the self-checkout if you're a dumbshit.

Trans rights are fundamentally threatened. My friends' abilities to travel, to get healthcare, to exist in peace are all under attack. I am so upset about this. But, as a cis ally, why am I so nervous to talk about it? Why am I afraid to appear performative? This is required listening

@connorratliff.bsky.social A special birthday message for an auspicious occasion!

It’s been so long since I last smacked myself in the balls with anything that, as the detached vacuum cleaner hose careened toward me, I could only think www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKbU...

I was shamefully unaware of @demilardner.bsky.social’s work until this week, but “So You Wanna Win A P*nis Pump 2” rivals @chrisgethard.bsky.social’s “One Man’s Trash” for the title of Best 43 Minutes of Comedy You Will Ever Watch. m.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ef...

last night — in what has to be the dumbest dream I’ve ever had — my wife and I were crying because it was announced that Mario was dead

How to detect AI-generated writing: It frequently contains em dashes. How to detect that I’m fucking old: I use periods in text messages and social media posts.

For the first time in three months, it is (very lightly) raining in Seattle. #BLESSED

Lying in bed and feel a tickle on neck behind my right ear. Swat it away, assuming it’s either my bedsheets or my imagination. Quarter-sized spider. In my home. In my bedroom, where I sleep. This is a declaration of war.

Woke up to find a shard of clear glass embedded in my heel. No clue where it came from, how I stepped on it while unconscious, or how I managed to avoid bleeding everywhere. Suddenly concerned about what I’ve been doing in my sleep.

@hgmodernism.bsky.social Listening to an episode of the Unexplainable podcast about your two favorite things: plants and consuming mass quantities of something to make yourself immune to it! “Should you be eating poison oak?” from last September. podcasts.voxmedia.com/show/unexpla...

Spent my first 20-odd years as a devout Catholic and the biblical verse lodged in my mind is “Whatsoever you do to the least of my people, that you do unto me.” The poor. The hungry. Seeking asylum. Fleeing death. Children of Gaza. Thrown to the wolves by rich old men in a fucking prayer circle.

This week, I started taking a mid-day break to go up to my building’s rooftop patio and spend some time away from the horrors of the world. Today there was some weirdo up there in a speedo. Nothing good lasts.

A first for me: Unsubscribing from a podcast I enjoy because they started taking money to inject an episode of a different unrelated podcast into their feed each week. An hour-long ad I’m compelled to download and then delete? NOPE.

It is once again @elizaskinner.bsky.social pasta day! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes...

No Pope Pizzaball? NOT INTERESTED. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierbat...

Anyone who says they understand what’s happening and can tell you the right thing to do is full of shit. They are lying to you because they want your money.

What’s the emoji for “trying very hard to not have a panic attack”? Gotta be this one, right?

@laurendamon.bsky.social I’m only 20 minutes in and he is going berserk. shows.acast.com/offmenu/epis...

An Oral History of the R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts” Video and the Top 300 Parodies Broadcast on American Television

[Pushes cowboy hat back, spits tobacco juice, squints into the distance] Well son looks like we got ourselves a conclave

Thinking about the time a girl invited me to her place to watch a movie and the movie she chose was SCHINDLER’S LIST.

For the first time ever, I sought out the original Blur, Beyoncé, Bob Marley, and Lauryn Hill tracks used to assemble this 20-year-old mashup, and they’re all so radically different that I can’t imagine the vision needed to combine them. youtube.com/watch?v=ymYH...

It’s been over 36 hours and the IRS still hasn’t withdrawn my scheduled tax payment. Things must be DEEPLY fucked if the oligarchs can’t even manage to bleed the workers on time.

If anyone tells you non-alcoholic Guinness tastes just like the original, fill their mouth with mud. It has zero body, like Guinness-flavored LaCroix. Rank.

Is there a stretch you can do to prevent the simple act of turning your head 5° to the left from tweaking SOMETHING that causes searing pain from your elbow to the base of your skull, jolting you awake every time you fall asleep?

Everyone feels comfortable mocking people who died in a stupid way until it’s someone you know, and then it sinks in: wow, I knew a dumbass.

The Charleston Cinematic Universe. @richsommer.pizza @connorratliff.bsky.social @patrickcotnoir.bsky.social

@julianburrell.bsky.social Hey Julian! Just a heads-up: in the E Pluribus Motto state cryptids special, around 23:45, there’s a long pause and then an off-air note from Janet that made it into the final edit.

Eliza has honed one edge of her library card to razor-sharpness and she will slash you with it if you don’t get a library card!