I have a name

I mean…. cmon guys

I have one birthday request from you guys. Next time you’re at the store get a little cash back and give it to the next person you see standing on a corner because they are struggling. Times are as hard as they’ve ever been in my lifetime, it would mean a lot to me if you’d help someone buy a burger

I'm old enough to remember when this picture was enough to get Al Franken to resign

WHEN THERE’S TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Oh wow. Yes, very clever! Waterfall treasure! No one’s ever done that before. Lazy jackass WHEN THERE’S NO TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Wow. Too stuck-up to put treasure there huh? Too much of a fucking ICONOCLAST for that? Piece of shit. FUCK you

good news! we've successfully addressed the problem where people were getting too emotionally entangled with our chatbot. we're happy to announce you'll be able to fuck it soon

I ordered 1,000 of these and they arrived today. Tomorrow, I ride. No hardware store or produce section will be safe.

Love somebody in your life like baseball managers love ineffective left-handed relievers

DFA Butker and tell him it's the rapture

Leo Chenal is such a crayon-eating lunatic and I love him #ChiefsKingdom

I’m scared for Melissa Stark being that close to that man

What if the silver lining of Butker sucking is that it forces Andy to go for it more. That's probably a net positive lol

Nick Bolton doesn’t need to be in coverage anymore tonight

That’s another $7.77 to Planned Parenthood on behalf of Harrison Butker

I will never understand the guys who stay in the dugout to watch the other team celebrate. I would’ve been halfway to the airport before Ortiz threw the ball to first

Just wrote the first page of my first screenplay.

What an absolute treasure Diane Keaton was. Her wit never tired, nor did her style.

If they run the suicide squeeze Pierzynski will self combust

456 total pitches thrown so far in this game

Release a swarm of bees next inning

Sir the second “take me out to the ballgame” just happened in Seattle

Maybe nothing in sports as close to hard drugs as watching a bullpen rollicking in and out of jams, wet hair and strange jewelry, spitting and cursing, having entire conversations with themselves. A ship of filthy pirates drunk on the high seas.

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ position 🕯️ 🕯️ players pitching in 🕯️ 🕯️ a playoff game 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

Rob Manfred: “We’re starting with full counts. Foul balls are strikeouts. If the catcher can catch it, it’s a strike”

ADAM AMIN: Welcome to the top of the 47th [Sun rises] [Sun keeps getting bigger] ADAM AMIN: yes [World engulfed by flames] ADAM AMIN: oh god yes AJ PIERZYNSKI: shoulda bunted

AJ Pierzynski is ruining a beautiful baseball game.

"And with that walkoff home run, the Seattle Mariners win and advance to the ALC-" "Still feel like they should have bunted."

“It’s a foul ball. Looks like a foul ball. That’s a foul ball. That’s gotta be a foul ball. Have to call that a foul ball.” -AJ Pierzynski

Teams running the contact play

We’ve reached the point of the broadcast where the announcers are getting punchy Adam Wainwright: “This reminds me of the time that I killed that drifter outside the Spearmint Rhino.” Adam Amin: “….. and it’s 1-1 to McKinstry…..”

JOE BUCK: Welcome to the top of the 47th [Sun rises] [Sun keeps getting bigger] BUCK: yes [World engulfed by flames] BUCK: oh god yes

Does anyone know if AJ Pyrzinski thinks the Tigers should make Rivas beat them instead of Josh Naylor? Has he mentioned that at all this at bat?

Kinda want the extra innings ghost runner rule in the postseason

Playoff hockey is like a firing squad. Playoff baseball is like lethal injection but they can’t get the dosage right

Logan Gilbert looks like a substrate art teacher

Mariners fans now fake crying in the stands hoping to go viral. Come on Detroit. Smash these dork ass losers.

All you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

two more drinks and i’m trying the last one

Only $1,500 and it can be yours

My company Monday - Thursday - Eliminated over 60 jobs this week (and I got to deliver the message) My company on Friday - "Hey, guys - have you checked out our mental health resources today?!?"

1st base umpire Jim Wolf is absolutely on the gas

So cool that whenever someone asks the president, “did you eat the Lindbergh baby” he’s like, “no but I’d be allowed to, I have the right to, I might do it later”

“Judge has answered every question” in a series they’re about to lose and lose convincingly

When it happens, you're probably not even going to learn about it directly before you feel it in the air. You'll just hear car horns and cheering in the streets. You'll feel confused, annoyed. You'll check your phone. Huh, 41 new texts.

Nothing better than watching the road team celebrate a Yankees elimination, in October, on the field, in the Bronx. A highlight of any MLB postseason if you're lucky enough to see it.🥰🍿

boy they REALLY want us to know that Judge has erased all his postseason demons

LOL EAT SHIT JAZZ CHISHOLM