(Steve Harvey’s voice booms out over the city, so loudly that the dishes rattle in the cupboards) And the number one answer for the coolest place for human teens to go…show me Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ

Every single time I test, I think, “well I def have covid since I’m sneezing and dripping snot!” Girl u just irritated the inside of your nose, that’s why you’re sneezing right now

Real ones remember when Jimmy Fallon got on this platform and was immediately bullied off lol

I hate this icon!!!!! It’s such a “YOU ARE BEING WATCHED” thing

Oh my god one drawback to having a tripod cat is that when he lands on your bladder his entire weight is on that one front paw, it’s somehow even worse than if he were twice the size with two front paws

this moment gets me every single time

I sleepy 🥺

It’s important to drink all your daily water in as short a time as possible, so you have to pee 45 times in the next couple of hours

This weather is truly Christmasy for the first time in years, I’m so happy to go for a cold snowy walk in the dark evenings and see the lights under the snow 🥹

Say Drake Your heart's an empty hole Your brain is full of spiders You've got garlic in your soul

Honktown, USA (although the ones actually doing the honking were behind me and these guys were being chill and normal)

somebody at Michael’s was trying real hard to get me to use self checkout yesterday and after about the fifth time I was like, “I don’t get a payment or a discount for doing the work of a cashier, if everyone else wants to struggle w the stupid self checkout they can go right in front of me”

She come on ye faithful til i O

I was once again idly daydreaming about being able to share the news, and suddenly realized I was humming a joyful rendition of O Christmas Tree

Remember folks: if you have any small amount of artistic talent, any sex appeal, or can make your friends laugh, the richest man on earth is crying screaming throwing up because he can’t be you.

Cat making the “ooh stinky” face like bro what did you expect when you stuck your nose up your brother’s butthole

ME: if pee comes out of a penis then a butt should be called a poonis DR: okay fine stop sticking things up your poonis

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but I’m considering getting flannel sheets

I did my Friday Evenin Cleanin and then made the rookie mistake of sitting down on the couch

FIFA deez nuts

Why does a soccer prize have hands

I thought you couldn’t use your hands in soccer, isn’t that the whole point of the game

The USPS posting a NINE BILLION DOLLAR LOSS!!! sounds terrible. Certainly worse than if you said "USPS costs thirty dollars per person per year" even though that means the same thing and more accurately describes a government service

I would LOVE to stop having stupid bad dreams!

it is indeed the most wonderful time of the year

Finally remembered to wear the new insulated pants I got myself for my bday when I went for a walk tonight. They worked great!

tonight’s dinner will be chocolate chip pancakes topped with the last of the thanksgiving cranberry sauce

I know the mammogram is indoors but I still don’t want to do it on a 0 degree day (-17 for you Celsius nerds)

Yeah hi, I'll have a big mac meal aaaand please have the Grinch jack me off.

TJoss Whedon-Grumley

white people love to be named toss grumley

I was reading a thread about running recently where a bunch of people were like “I don’t think about my breathing while running” which is WILD to me. I have been conscious of every breath I’ve taken on a run since prob week 3 or 4 of Couch to 5k when I started back in 2012

🌕 🐺 awoo, motherfuckers

dawg I am ready for the days to get longer

Doesn't the ability to stay awake usually help if you want to go full dictator?

lol can we maybe move “myself” further away from “cream” thanks

having a basketball guy as the logo on a football is stupid!

Big Nood Saturday

I wish someone could check in on Horse Tweets

“Autonomous minions that you control” someone tell Idris Elba they’re not autonomous if you control them

Brutus was cooking, tbh

me: you can’t just call a guy BO JACKSON, that shouldn’t be allowed mom: would you rather he go by LAMAR JACKSON? me: YES

Time to get up and find out how much snow is on the ground so far

Bong Joon Ho hit me up for the squad you legend deadline.com/2025/11/bong...

breakfast of champions: Diet Coke, a piece of buttered baguette, and a chocolate chip cookie

my turkey was SO GOOD today

As a Dallas sports fan watching Post Malone after Detroit rolled out Jack White and Eminem is like what it feels like sitting in traffic while thinking about Japan’s maglev trains

no you may not lick the plate

This is wonderful news, and also means it’s time for me to beat the drum I always do when HPV vaccines make the news: They are not only for women! HPV also causes penile, anal, and head and neck cancers. The latter are particularly deadly. Please vaccinate ALL your children.

I’m on the highway on a bus. It’s so scary!