How about two? Pick a Bond villain from the photos you already have on your phone/device.

It’s all over for you bitches.

RFK Jr relieved to learn “dozens of shots” near White House determined to be gunfire, *not* mRNA vaccines.

Me when I’m snacking

GUY WHO INVENTED SPRINKLES: they're sweet and great for lots of stuff! I'm going to call them sprinkles because you sprinkle them on, heh. yours are neat too! what are you going to call them GUY WHO INVENTED NONPAREILS: *flicking cigarette* you are a fucking joke

I walked past three ladies and one said "oh my!" and one said "hubba hubba," but the third one stayed silent. I found out later that she has poor vision, and when her friends described what I looked like, she said "awooga".

Just bribed Pip to eat her supper with a squirt of whipped cream. Cheese isn’t enough. She wants more elaborate dairy products.

No, YOU’RE a cryptobiotic soil crust or biocrust.

Post a meme made by you.

This strikes me as A Good Thing

I went for more coffee and lost my seat.

Ha ha "Ik wil graag een stukje kaas" to you too!

Someone in my feed occasionally posts in Dutch and I always think it’s a gag.

"Can you explain this gap in your resume?" Me:

My coworker seems pretty chill.

Let’s gooooooo

At a party where I only know a handful of the invitees and they are all the inconsiderate bastards who arrive late.

Was just called ma’am by a woman in her 30s. Might have to shrivel and croak.

The T

Clearing landmines is at the heart of #APOPO Mine Action. Our #HeroRATs use their powerful sense of smell to detect explosives, ignoring scrap metal. Too light to trigger mines, they help teams safely locate and destroy them. #teamwork #supernoses #africangiantpouchedrat

Don (quizzically): Dilly? Don (with confidence): Dilly.

Name your top 15 TV shows ever, gut instincts only Veronica Mars The X-Files Halt and Catch Fire That Mitchel and Webb Show Supernatural Wonder Falls The Killing Kids in the Hall Dr. Katz Dicktown No You Shut Up The Venture Bros Miracle Workers The Expanse Spaced

Bartleby-ing my way past the vendors at this conference: “I would prefer not to.”

Changing “Dems” to “dames” in my head every time I read it makes some of what you all have been saying very problematic.

Writing advice: Every scene should be working for you. If it doesn’t subtly suggest that the lizard people who live beneath the earth’s crust are orchestrating all the rising action of your plot then cut it.

A mischief of HeroRAT pups have begun their socialization training. #APOPO handlers gently carried them around, introducing them to sights, sounds, smells and humans! After 10 minutes they are ready for a nap! Here’s some HeroRAT pups to help get you through to the weekend. Future #HeroRATs...

Me: this is a pretty cool ring Gollum: my preciousssss Me: oh shit is that a Boondock Saints poster signed by both Boondock Saints? Gollum: my other precioussssss

Napoleon Solo by At the Drive-in

i used to make a comic for my friends called “xkfc” where i’d replace words or phrases in xkcd comics with “kentucky fried chicken”

I know the man in the meeting room I just passed was talking about Google AI but is sure sounded like he was saying "googly eyes" over and over again.

Same but substitute ZZ Top's Legs.

Growing up in the 70s/80s, everyone's parents had some piece of bad, spooky art. My family's was a painting of elephants and hot-air balloons that looked like an evil circus on the moon. It was like, "We elected Nixon, kids, gaze into this window into our subconscious."

When 4/20 and Patriots Day coincide the people of Boston celebrate by smoking out of an original 1782 sterling silver bong made by Paul Revere.

Tomorrow 30,000 people will be running a marathon two blocks from my apartment. Today I am too lazy to move from the recliner to the couch so I can plug my phone in.

It’s a shame we have put all the phone disinfectors on that rocket ship.

Hey Hak Ja Han! There is no bi-polarity between sung-sang and hyung-sang. Maybe you need to re-read Divine Principal.

Thinking long and hard about which religious leader I want to pick a fight with.

Dear God, please don’t let me fall in love with one of those no-AC freaks.

you shouldn’t learn about bands from shady TikTok manipulation, you should learn about bands by hanging out with a girl you like but are also extremely afraid of

Don't confuse DoorDash Grandma for Jordache Grandma. Only one looks spectacular in her heritage dark wash high-waisted boot-cut jeans.

Just made myself very sad deleting old emails and it didn't change my usage by even 1%.

Japanese sci-fi: two robots in space, yearning American sci-fi: man gets the author's beliefs on polygamy confirmed by the aliens of ramalama IV french sci-fi: two horny bounty hunters visit the Galaxy of Breasts British sci-fi: nuclear war. Everyone dead. America's fault

It’s very simple. The music that I like is good and righteous. The music that I don’t like smells and you are bad for listening to it.

🎶 Some enchanted evening 🎶 you may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across the commuter rail aisle 🎶 you’ll know even then 🎶 that it would be unwise to ask him not to make a call with his phone on speaker 🎶

Sending silent, urgent messages to the woman sitting beside me to turn her paperback over so I can see the cover.

Exclusively referring to my vagina as my Symmes hole isn't helping the whole dating situation.

I've got a wacky new addition to my estate plan.