L. Ron Funches

He makes a persuasive case.

each night Garfield takes His share of my blood, mucus, and bile. one day there will be none left; and on that day, He will call me home, where i will be chained to a desk at PAWS, INC for eternity in His terrible service

This one hit hard. #denver #nokings #copolitics

If you play a playlist backwards nothing freaky happens but you do start the day waving a lighter in the air and go to bed pounding on the steering wheel

Invest in your friends’ OCs. It’s like being in a fandom, except you get the benefit of having the inside scoop, too. Yes, show me the “bad” sketch, pitch me the shower thought… I love it.

judge at the hague: Do you have anything to say for your crimes? me: mega millions is short for megan millions

Oo! Can I be next?

The official White House Android app has a cookie/paywall bypass injector, tracks your GPS every 4.5 minutes, and loads JavaScript from some guy's GitHub Pages.

Levin: This is the largest protest in Minnesota history… The next major national action of this movement is not just gonna be another protest. On May 1st, across the country, we are saying no business as usual. No work, no school, no shopping.

so in love with this szechuan place in chicago chinatown that serves szechuan popcorn chicken in a chicken basket

What being a shitposter is like

Jonathan Majors has confirmed he will not be attending the #NoKangs protests today

what do you call the mental disorder that makes your brain certain that someone wants a character that exclaims I'VE GOT AN ACUMEN FOR VACUUMIN'!

I'm waxy sheen on skin, blood turning to polymer, body producing gas that burns eyes when punctured

i love delta eight it makes me wanna quote post a me-me, ba-by

share this with the trained seal in your life

what you do is you take these signature bills and you write "I rape children" above the signature

Incredible placement, split the saddlebags right down the seam, got the initial nut trauma and the rebound hit, I don’t think you can get drilled in the balls more perfectly than this

Somewhere in the North Korean Propaganda Ministry an official winces and says: “That’s a bit much.”

if you can read basic printed letters and you can't "solve the cipher" of cursive then I don't really think you're smart enough for the kind of life that a reliance on cursive penmanship demands

Harry Potter tattoo regret rate is an order of magnitude higher than regret for Gender Reassignment Surgery and yet no one has been brave enough to suggest we legislate Harry Potter tattoos.

Gang. GANG. Here's that Ghanian bootleg Cheers artwork you were looking for.

why does elon musk, the richest and most pathetic of the humans, not simply pay the other humans to like him

Stop worrying about what YA books to let your kids read and let them sort it out with V C Andrews and cocaine era Stephen King as God intended

toynbee tile that says LISTEN UP LIBERAL MY WIFE LEFT ME TO RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER

Mississippi Department of Public Safety officials discovered Ku Klux Klan items while cleaning out a closet to move to the department’s new headquarters

thinking a lot about voting for the president who says "every person from the previous administration will be injured in the same way that one of the troops harmed or killed in the pointless iran conflict. the way to avoid this is to run. now. otherwise we will be coming for you." can you imagine

men are in crisis. here is what it looks like when they're not in crisis.

i think it's bad that the economy now hinges on a kind of collective augury of the secret meaning behind the plot behind the words of a dying sociopath

Nurse watching me cry: oh wow she’s in a lot of pain Doctor: nah it’s probably depression and she should lose some weight about it Me: in the same amount of pain as always but crying because I have “Pagliacci” stuck in my head to the tune of “Paparazzi”

this man is drunk

god can a single one of these losers bring themselves to meet this fucking moment??????

Every picture of ICE agents in airports is just this again

“I am political,” Ms. Rachel told me of her new effort to free kids from ICE detention. “It’s political to believe that children are worthy of love … and that our care shouldn’t stop at what we look like, our family, at our religion, at a border. Mr. Rogers was very political.”

I was hoping #Pokopia would finally reveal the mystery location of Poliwhirl's mouth, but no such luck. He just eats it with his mind like Zen, Intergalactic Ninja. #Pokémon #Poliwhirl

A Small Indiscretion (1990s Cinemax style porno): A man discovers that his new apartment has Borrowers-type tiny humanoids in it and one of them is a hot voyeur. Things get weird when they attempt to make it physical. Please let me know when Cannes But For Porn happens so I can sweep the awards 🌾🏆🌾

Spain Prime Minister Pedro Sanchez: "Trump is someone who will set the world on fire and then blame smoke caused by that. He has been wrong for 18 days of war. I urge everyone to call him out"

The Buddha enters a SUBWAY brand submarine sandwich store. "Make me one with everything!" he says slyly. The SUBWAY employee however was a well-read person and immediately killed the person claiming to be the Buddha. anyways that is why I was late

This is completely unbearable. But also like… why are his insane ramblings never summarized like this in the media? We gotta wait for a substack guy to put it together like this?

hey Hot Wheels, when you gonna immortalize this legend @dropout.tv @samreich.bsky.social

If you're like me and you've spent your whole life having to take time to decide whether to say "stove" or "oven" when talking about that fire cube in the kitchen, join me in deciding to call the both of them the "stoven" from now on.

sick of this.. fascism? why not do something about it? call in sick.. of fascism - bring yourself and anyone you can on the 28th. bsky.app/profile/5050...

For God's sake:

#SNLUK sounds like Wolverine spilled a milkshake in his claw holes

My large mutant son Snaxon just ordered a hamburger and chicken nuggets at La Tour d'Argent and the waiter shot him with a tranquilizer dart and sold him to the circus

A thing that’s fun to think about is that when it happens it will be a GLOBAL celebration. Like there will be video from around the world of people dancing and laughing and singing