Are you a magic sword? Because I’d love to have an Ex of your caliber

I want a government small enough to fit inside me

Most people do not eat a credit card’s worth of plastic every week. The average is inflated by Microplastics Georg, who lives in a cave and eats 20000 credit cards per day.

During my PhD I was openly gay but was closeted about my desire to work in industry.

Jesus loved to create value for shareholders

Poster sessions are gay cruising for scientists

“Locktober” is when you “lock in” and focus on your family and values for the month of October. Make sure to tell everyone you celebrate.

Vaccines and Tylenol cured my autism.

Hallowed be thy ween

www.yahoo.com/news/article... but I already ordered 5000 “Tylenol causes autism” T shirts!

MAGA has ruined the word “magazine”

i think if you ride public transit enough you learn that most weird behavior is not dangerous, and conversely i think driving a car teaches you that everyone is trying to kill you at all times

Kids these days don’t even know how to defragment a hard drive.

It’s Adamant Eve, not Adam and Eve

Athletic Greens AG1 is a ripoff. It’s glorified spirulina powder for $100 a month. It could be better than eating no vegetables, but you should get your vitamins from real fruits and vegetables instead.

I would do anything for my health insurance provider

To install an R package, you must first install every other R package.

And it was the greatest colonoscopy the doctors had ever seen. They came up to me and said “Sir! How is your colon so magnificent? Can we study you?” But I had to decline, to serve the American people.

who creates the lively art and music scenes if the rent is too high? who makes cultural life? who serves you food or washes your dishes? who creates the fancy little restaurants that draw you to urban living? affordable housing is at the heart of what makes city life worthwhile.

Hamburger Helper? I hardly know ‘er!

Oh you have perfect pitch? Name every note.

My college self would call my current self a woke social justice warrior, and that’s called personal growth.

Fireworks? I sure hope it does.

The Three Percenters are an agricultural trade group that passionately favors the consumption of whole-fat milk.

1.5C is dead. And so-called ‘centrist’ politicians would rather we slide into fascism & authoritarianism than rebuild our world to give us a chance of surviving where we’re heading - because survival would mean dismantling the corporations that own these ‘centrist’ politicians.

If you want a purebred dog you are a dog eugenicist. Just go to the frickin shelter and get a non-inbred mutt without genetic diseases.

ultimately, zohran mamdani is a reminder that politicians can be younger than 80 years old

As an avid pedestrian I believe walking in cities should be as dangerous and inconvenient as possible.

My golden scepter is good for pointing at people in an accusatory manner. But my obsidian scepter is good for banging on the floor to bring order to an unruly crowd. How am I supposed to pick just one to bring on holiday

By following this account you acknowledge that I will oscillate wildly between shitposts and sincere science advocacy with no warning.

Gun detectors at a scientific conference, probably in response to a conspiracy theorist shooting up the CDC earlier this year. Scientists are scared, not just for their own safety but for the future of science under an anti-expert authoritarian regime.

No longer accepting “that would be socialism” as a reason why we can’t do something that helps people. Instead please tell me why you think it wouldn’t work, or cost too much, or fail to accomplish its goals.

Vaccines are safe and effective. Autism isn't caused by vaccines, and autistic people and their families deserve our support. When you want information, ask your doctor. It's more important than ever for all of us to speak plainly, truthfully, and directly about public health.

*During gay sex* “This had better not be woke”

It’s true. I am the girlfriend of the founder of Antifa. My first words were “I hate capitalism”.

On Bluesky you can tell the best joke of your life and get 9 likes.

They’ve adopted something I’d think of as like “entrepreneurial fascism with Mad King characteristics” which, among other downsides, means the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, which is punching the left hand in the dick

Rudolph’s nose glows red due to a luciferase transgene developed by Santa’s top genetic engineers

You either die a twink, or live long enough to see yourself become a daddy.

Gonna start an OnlyHaters where you can pay me to listen to vaccine disinformation and I’ll say “you’re so good at doing your own research”

No country has all 3: LGBTQ rights, good trains, successful anti-smoking campaigns.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I pray for deliverance

America is the only country in the world with video games and mental illness.

this is basically the aim of every AI company

Fortunately there's only 3 more years of rapidly escalating fascism before there's a peaceful exchange of power

Antifa would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

I support transgender for everyone

Sorry, I’m not reading your article. If you want me to understand your politics, please write them on a bullet and shoot me in the head. Thanks

Gay dudes never talk about their “body count” because they all lost count.

Does anyone know in Tuesday's Rapture if these folks get lifted right out of their cars or if the vehicles ascend with them? This is my first Rapture and I'm trying to plan my commute.