Herrick says "gather ye rosebuds while ye may," but I don't really have space for that many sleds.

So we meat again Typo, my old enema

I don’t know who needs to hear this but please read it out loud to them

Fake it till you make it clear you're not gonna make it.

Since it's a memorial center, Trump has to be dead to add his name to it. Sounds fair.

Finally, someone notices me.

Is it wrong to answer a rhetorical question? Yes. Oops.

People keep telling me to keep my head out of the gutter, but it really is the best place to get hit by bowling balls.

Become a horrible magician with this one simple trick!

Life must've been so hard before toilets. When would you have had time to check your socials?

My bank just sent me a message saying "your account balance could be larger." Ouch.

When people say "snitches get stitches" they must be talking about those with socialized healthcare.

My only solace is that each day brings him one day closer to death.

135 is the new 30.

It's the royal "we".

RIP to one of the greatest. youtu.be/p5vmBL3KisI?...

The specter of Hitler's moustache has made its appearance at Trump's parade.

This electric hand dryer is amazing - eco-friendly, touch-free, anti-bacterial, sleek, polished chrome metal, whisper-quiet, and unable to sense when my hands are under it.

Just saw a comedian say "If vaccines caused autism then America would have trains" and I almost spit out my drink.

If a cop loses his western tie, does he put out a bolo BOLO?

"Of 1,600 [STEM students] who responded to a March poll... three out of four said they were considering leaving the country because of the Trump administration’s policies." The brain drain is real and will have massive impacts on our economy in the future. www.nytimes.com/2025/05/14/b...

To a bad translator, "butt dial" and "booty call" are synonymous.

An American pope? In THIS economy?

In related news, ICE officials deport newly tattooed tardigrade with "clear ties" to MS-13.

I see a bright future for irrational optimism

The most accurate description of Musk yet, thanks to RFK.

I think people who criticize banana republics and kangaroo courts forget how funny the names are.

Look if we’re ignoring Supreme Court rulings then every American woman has a right to an abortion again

The problem with most machine-based random number generators is that they’re not TRULY random, so if you need genuine randomness it is sometimes necessary to link your code to an external random process like a physical noise source or the current rate of US tariffs on a given country.

If the agent of an embittered KGB officer somehow won the US presidency and entered into the office bent on destroying the USA in its national influence, network of alliances, and the American people’s quality of life, what would he be doing differently?

This is really unfair to everyone who just voted for him for the racism.

i think it was descartes who famously said, “to be human is to select all the pics with crosswalks in them.”

A tricky thing about modern society is that no one has any idea when they don’t die. Like, the number of lives saved by controlling air pollution in America is probably over 200,000 per year, but the number of people who think their life was saved by controlling air pollution is zero.

The time machine is broken. Luckily, we can travel back in time to fix it, but unfortunately, the time machine is broken. Once we fix it, we can travel back in time to fix it, but we will no longer need to.

A lot of people doubted the president this time around, but I knew he could tank the economy faster this time without that pesky global pandemic trying to steal his thunder.

Call me Chinese Frankenstein's monster.

Remember, if you ever feel like no one understands you, you should probably spit out those 100 peanut butter covered marbles you shoved in your mouth on a dare.

I am happy to announce that I have solved the energy/climate crisis by creating a system the generates electricity fueled by toddler snot. Why, my son alone leaks 1 billion tons of snot a day - that's enough boogers to power 10 suns for a kaggillion years.

Dress for the job you want.

I hope that one day, when all this madness is over, we can all agree that every sci-fi show doesn't need a slow-mo CGI animation intro.

you’re fired. wait you’re rehired. email us a list of things you’ve done today wait forget it you’re fired again. come back your job was important. you’re fired. or hired. come in to the office. wait the office has no computers go home. we are the department of government efficiency.

Mom: Hey, do you remember Tim from school, played the tuba and you guys went on that ski trip. Remember, his sister was in the play and he and her had those matching zubaz in the middle school talent show? Me: Oh yeah, wow. I haven't thought of him in like 10 years. How's he doing? Mom: He's dead.

This Love Is Blind Minneapolis guy is hated for washing his hair once every 2 weeks, that's why I wash mine every 13 days.

Since I've stopped using Facebook, I feel like there's been a void in my life that can only be filled by watching infomercials.

"This movie could've been an email." - My wife's review of Smile

It's okay because in the UK it's pronounced Mair-E-Oh.

Whelp, Tulsi Gabbard is now the director of national intelligence. In case you missed it, here's me talking about the BONKERS HOMOPHOBIC CULT that influences her entire worldview www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gDv...

People tell me that my toddler babbling "ba ba ba da ba ba" is his way of learning to talk, but my theory is he's really into doo-wop.