People who are really annoying never try to just not be annoying for a few days.

Going on a cruise is great if you’re into either doing murder or being murdered.

"Love Actually" deleted scene

It’s weird that they call it Alcoholics Anonymous. Those fuckers tell everyone.

Your Roman gladiator name is your first name with an “is” on the end.

What does a shameful, opportunistic antisemite look like?

This headline is a wild ride

This woman in the waiting room is telling me about the police SQUAT team at a park near her house

You have to be impressed by Karen Bass for being so incompetent while being so confident. Good for you, Karen.

If being judgmental is bad, why are judges so respected?

Remember when the Mayor of Los Angeles spent taxpayer money to go on a trip to Ghana while the city burned? I do.

I didn’t even know Biden was playing Coachella this year.

Why watch the news when cooking shows exist?

I don't know how you guys wake up in the morning and immediately turn on a TV show about politics. We need to go back to when morning TV was mostly weather talk and also there was a chimp there sometimes.

People keep saying “the world is burning” like that’s some sort of new thing.

My neighbor has been having a party for 7 hours, and it’s fine, but I just can’t imagine wanting to be around other people for that long.

Being an adult is just a series of very boring forensic investigations

*taking clandestine sips of tomato soup right out of the screw-top box at work like it's a flask*

Not to brag, but I know many, many stupid people.

Call me crazy, I don’t want to pay taxes so presidents can give medals to Bono and Rush Limbaugh.

(listening to “Cult of Personality”) JOSEPH STALIN: nice GANDHI: now hang on

5 minutes after giving my toddler kinetic sand: this stuff is incredible, a marvel of material science day 3 of finding lumps of sand in every furniture crevice in the house: whoever invented this should be tried at The Hague

Do people who like leaving the house know about not doing that?

I honestly trust 3 people, and one of them is a dog.

I respect penguins because they’re like “fuck you I’m not flying.”

People say that cultural appropriation is bad, but the alternative is keeping the shittiest parts of your stupid culture for years and years.

It’s brave when people with bad faces still post photos of themselves.

🎵 All I do is whine, whine, whine, no matter what🎵

I got thrown out of Dunkin” Donuts today because I had my dog, and that makes no sense. They let people from Boston in there!

Not to brag but I’m only anxious when I’m awake, and only about 4 times a week while I’m asleep.

People always complain about the airport, but it’d be great if they just got rid of all the people.

Make the SATs more interesting by adding a scavenger hunt section.

This is an open invitation for everyone to stop embarrassing themselves

Merry Christmas and happy Chanukah from my daughter and her friend 🥰

I have been a vegetarian for over 15 years so of course my parents still ask whether I eat chicken at every opportunity

hiking is not a hobby. it’s what you do when you run out of gas.

The air in Los Angeles is so bad right now that The Hollywood Foreign Press nominated it for 10 Golden Globes.

I now have a Dyson stick vacuum, so my life is complete.

Jesus was such a Capricorn

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, even though it’s a fire hazard to hang stockings there

I received a liquor delivery today, and I asked the driver if he needed to see my ID. He said “you’re fine.” I’m not fine.

Nice to finally have a day off [does 500 errands]

American Horror Story: Living in New York City

Ugly Christmas sweater is redundant

Eat Prey Live

I stand with [checks notes] nobody

I’m a vegetarian, but I have the smugness of a vegan.

🎵Last Christmas I gave you my heart But the very next day, I was dead because humans need hearts to live🎵

Which terrible new movie should I watch next?

The worst thing about a bad driver's license photo is that you know you’re stuck with it for the next 300 years.