Oh good once again everyone is freaking out about some stupid little hand gesture by some stupid fucking douchebag while ignoring or let’s face it pretty much supporting the brutal torture and murder of literal Jewish babies, I fucking hate y’all so much it’s not even funny

I am a Jeopardy girl living in a Wheel Of Fortune world

I have no idea what the fuck anyone is talking about anymore (bragging)

Figured out how to fix my clogged bathroom sink yesterday and it was the most satisfying thing I've done in a while. If you're feeling low, I strongly recommend clogging and then fixing your bathroom sink.

Just did one (1) self-care which has earned me two to three (2-3) self-destructions

Just because climate change is real doesn’t mean that politicians aren’t using it as a convenient catch-all deflection from their own incompetence and dereliction of basic duties 😉

I used to only block people if they were mean to me but now I block people for being cringey embarrassing losers and it’s way more satisfying

Living through apocalyptic fires WHILE recovering from Norovirus has been quite an adventure (derogatory)

These fires are absolutely horrific and yet everyone’s dumb ass takes are somehow even worse????

My therapist: so what’s been going on? Me: girl, how much time you got My therapist: exactly 1 hour

Trying to work right now is so fucking stupid, I'll email someone like "hey, just following up on this thing I guess???" and they'll write back like "sorry, I am currently running for my life as my home and everything I own burns to the ground, I'll circle back later" 🤪

Wish someone would come and arrest my mayor and also my entire state’s government tbh

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you don’t have to be doing all that

Literally no one: Heidi Klum: I should do an erotic lingerie photoshoot with my daughter

If you include the words “philosopher” and “spiritual” in your bio on any website you should be sent straight to jail

Me, day to day living in Los Angeles: Ugh! Everything is so dirty! It’s so loud! Someone stole my packages again! Me, after a week of visiting family on the East coast, flying back to Los Angeles: I am going to kiss the filthy meth-infested ground as soon as we land, god bless this holy place 😭❤️🫶

My life would be so much easier if I was a proper selfish bitch

My 89 year old extremely Ukrainian grandpa just asked me what Kesha’s last name is while dancing to her New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performance, as a sign of respect 🥹

A very important message ✊

Currently visiting my family aka doing hard time

When I am president Timothee Chalamet will be legally barred from acting or whatever the hell it is he thinks he’s doing

I have been a vegetarian for over 15 years so of course my parents still ask whether I eat chicken at every opportunity

I dare you to have a nice day, as a goof

Merry Christmas and happy Chanukah from my daughter and her friend 🥰

This app feels like the two new follow-up seasons of Arrested Development (not great)

Resting in power sounds terrible and exhausting tbh

Brb, weeping my way through A Real Pain, don’t text

Imagine meeting the love of your life and then discovering they unironically use hashtags on social media

Stop thinking you’re not good enough. Stop thinking you don’t deserve more. Stop thinking nobody will ever love you. Stop thinking you don’t matter. Stop thinking your feelings aren’t valid. Stop thinking you aren’t worth it. Stop thinking altogether. Soil yourself on the bus

This is an open invitation for everyone to stop embarrassing themselves

Remember: it’s not how much or how little you know about a topic, it’s how smug and unhinged you are in your proclamations about it that counts

Well it looks like evolving from violent apes into even more violent apes may have been a mistake

To be honest if you have never had to boot up a computer with a five inch floppy disk then you have had it easy and I think you're a pussy

Earlier in the week me is a stupid bitch for promising my friends that today me would leave the house

Fun prank: live a life of quiet stoicism and unwavering integrity

Me: I disagree! Person: but I didn’t even say anything Me: nevertheless…

Being a good judge of character is a real bummer

[pointing at most things] I’m not here for all that

First of all, I didn’t “karate chop” your baby. We were sparring

I heard a text come in while I was exercising and I thought “this better fucking be important to be texting me all early during my workout” and I looked and it was my friend sharing yet another unhinged news story about Australian breakdancer Raygun and I was like “wow ok this IS important”

Offering a service where you send me your Spotify Wrapped and I carefully review it and tell you whether you should post it online, unfortunately 99% of the time the answer will be a firm NO

Planning a wedding while categorically not wanting to be around any people is a wild ride

The chasm between the takes people post online and what they say to me via text or in person - she is wide

[At a Diddy freak-off party] Um does anyone have hand sanitizer?

Is it cake???? Literally none of my business

In terms of this happening, why

I should be able to do federal crimes too 😤

I have become what was once unfathomable: an emotionally healthy adult who feels no need to impress others and finds quiet joy in the mundane

My lived experience is you’re an idiot