sending 17 text messages explaining why you're not crazy seems a little counterintuitive

Lady bugs used to be my favorite insect, but Lindsey Graham had to taint that on his way out.

Whatever Happened to Tila Tequila?

Mercury is in retrograde for the rest of our lives

Meta Glasses are like, a Cybertruck for your face.

Palantir owes The Onion a thank you basket since people read this headline, thought it was true, and now Palantir’s stock is up. theonion.com/palantir-acq...

Tearing my family apart because I can’t stop listening to this song youtu.be/ttKn1eGKTew

What’s the polite way to say to a friend, “I love you but I hate Ai, stop sending me this shit.”

Celebrating Mel Brooks’s 100th birthday like he just won the FIFA World Cup 🎉🥳

Happy fuck you you should’ve blasted on my stomach day.

😂 The Jetsons lied to us

Apparently, the Brigitte Macron photo with Trump is Ai, so here’s a pic of him that isn’t

Same energy

If you see someone shop lifting diapers or formula, no you didn’t

“Ooh! Look at the view!!” - me staring off into empty space during a maladaptive daydreaming episode

Gowanus is a pretty name for a girl

It always surprises humans to learn that other animals are intelligent because we, in fact, are not.

Gene Shalit was still alive?! Now I feel like I’ve lost him all over again! 😭

Zionism is bad for Judaism as the KKK is bad for Christianity as ISIS is bad for Islam as Buddhist Nationalism is bad for the 8 noble truths as Theocratic Nationalism/Fascism is bad for Humanity

ok water calm down

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to obsessively rewatch films

*me replacing the toilet paper roll when it gets low “Just call me angel of the morning, baby!” 🎵

A former speechwriter and close confidante of Martin Luther King Jr, who helped write the historic “I Have a Dream” speech, has died at 95. His voice helped give language to a movement that changed history. Thank you for your service and your courage. Rest in power. #DemVoice1 #ProudBlue #Pinks

Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my sleepytime cheese.

There’s a rule I like to follow and it’s called, Just shut the fuck up.

Saying “You too!” to all the men wishing me a happy Mother’s Day.

Very sneaky.

A few years ago I went through a phase where I would playfully mismatch my socks, and I truly believe this is what has thrown the whole damn universe out of alignment.

I let you spray liquid nitrogen in my face. Pls reply

The existence of “soy boy” implies the existence of “seitan man” (also, Trump should be removed from office).

If he d1es, can we throw stephen miller into the casket with him?

If this MF’er is pulling a White House/press lid/death rumor stunt just so he can come back on Easter Sunday and compare himself to Jesus, I will be so…not surprised.

CONSERVATIVES: gender-affirming care is toxic and destructive to society ALSO CONSERVATIVES: the first 100 incels to call now will receive a free sample of men’s concealer and chin defining makeup with their purchase of Viagra

nobody tell Noem let's see how long we can keep this going

What beer pairs best with Keppra?

its nice she still plays with her dolls

If you think Jim Carrey was cloned because he got a new face, then there’s gotta be a whole warehouse full of Joan Rivers

What the food in the fridge sees when you come in drunk looking for a midnight snack.

Only the worst people on earth are succeeding right now, so if you feel like a loser you’re probably doing the right thing ✨✨✨✨

What’s the first sine of madness.

Introducing myself: “Hi! I’m terrified.”

God bless this man 💖

Ok, I’m at the scene in Altered States where William Hurt turns into an ape man and I need to know what hallucinogens Paddy Chayefsky was on.

How hard I pronounce the “F” when I say “FUCK META”

Outer self carrying its inner burden