Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my sleepytime cheese.

There’s a rule I like to follow and it’s called, Just shut the fuck up.

Saying “You too!” to all the men wishing me a happy Mother’s Day.

Very sneaky.

A few years ago I went through a phase where I would playfully mismatch my socks, and I truly believe this is what has thrown the whole damn universe out of alignment.

I let you spray liquid nitrogen in my face. Pls reply

The existence of “soy boy” implies the existence of “seitan man” (also, Trump should be removed from office).

If he d1es, can we throw stephen miller into the casket with him?

If this MF’er is pulling a White House/press lid/death rumor stunt just so he can come back on Easter Sunday and compare himself to Jesus, I will be so…not surprised.

CONSERVATIVES: gender-affirming care is toxic and destructive to society ALSO CONSERVATIVES: the first 100 incels to call now will receive a free sample of men’s concealer and chin defining makeup with their purchase of Viagra

nobody tell Noem let's see how long we can keep this going

What beer pairs best with Keppra?

its nice she still plays with her dolls

If you think Jim Carrey was cloned because he got a new face, then there’s gotta be a whole warehouse full of Joan Rivers

What the food in the fridge sees when you come in drunk looking for a midnight snack.

Only the worst people on earth are succeeding right now, so if you feel like a loser you’re probably doing the right thing ✨✨✨✨

What’s the first sine of madness.

Introducing myself: “Hi! I’m terrified.”

God bless this man 💖

Ok, I’m at the scene in Altered States where William Hurt turns into an ape man and I need to know what hallucinogens Paddy Chayefsky was on.

How hard I pronounce the “F” when I say “FUCK META”

Outer self carrying its inner burden

*playing operation with my kids* “If he dies, he dies.”

People have actually been throwing dildos at ICE in Minnesota The Great Dildo Rebellion is here.

Universe A: “It’s the Bearenstein bears!” Universe B: “It’s the Berenstain Bears!” Me, unsure what fucking timeline I’m in: “It’s win Bear N. Stein’s Money!”

Can someone check in on the “2026 is gonna be my year” people and make sure they’re ok?

Oh god! it’s like an organ transplant/parasite/sex pest!!! This I really didn’t need after a full day of reading about the Epstein files 😭🤮😵

Watching an evening movie to relax (Shivers was a bad choice).

poking the void with a stick to test the waters

Damn straight he is

oh you dream of a better world being possible? you fuckin shithead you baby brained simpleton you stupid pile of idiot delusions

Omar implied that they execute pedophiles in Somalia It’s the RNC research that did lie/stretch about executing the Racist Tangerine Tyrant Pig. Considering there are a whole bunch of pedophiles in this regime, the RNC became oddly specific. 👀

Me every time I think about Pam Bondi

Trust no one, and keep your potatoes dry.

socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living me, examining life: well this sucks

That one. She does not care. We can not make her care until/if she’s dragged off to jail.

💡 #ONEV1 #Pinks 🌸 #Voices4Victory

County Orange would be a look on her for sure.… No make up. No filler. No hair color. No pretend cross hanging from her neck.

hello, clarice

They're calling HRT a "sex-rejecting procedure" now. I guess that means my wife gives me HRT every night!

using my vast fortunes to buy up amber mines to find and smoke perfectly preserved dinosaur roaches

O Brother, Where Art Thou? changed the way I say bonafide

These Tallulah Bankhead quotes are the best thing I’ve read all year.

who called him Jeff Bezos and not Lex Loser

TIL I’m not witty