YouTube: "you must make your content advertiser-friendly" Content creators: "okay, I'll avoid this laundry list of terms that normal people say regularly" Advertisers: "I'm going to fill my ads with the most degenerate lunacy you've ever seen in your life" YouTube: 😍

I’m trying to figure out what is actually redeemable in the US We will bankrupt or price you out of healthcare Willingly want to cut off SNAP and starve kids Have you tried a mass shooting to convey your concerns?

My one misguided, completely invalidated scientific belief is EDM is a music of the ADHD people

If anyone wonders if Doctors suffer from hypochondria, I have a weird thumb twitch that shows up randomly every couple of years that’s freaks me the fuck out that I might have ALS when in reality I am over caffeinated, under hydrated, extremely stressed out

Nearly killed in a crosswalk by Lowly Worm doing 490 km/h in a Bugatti apple

I’m howling.

it makes a lot of sense that my employer and i pay anthem over $30k a year for my family's shitty health insurance instead of me paying a 10% payroll tax for a single payer system

The worst thing Pam Bondi can do in the Epstein case is move too quickly. by Merrick Garland

Nurses and I complete open enrollment options for health insurance overnight and it was fucking depressing how much health insurance jumped in cost since Trumps big beautiful bill We are the richest country in the world and we choose to activity bankrupt our citizens who need medical care

“What are you talking about? Do you mean 90’s gay or Subaru gay?”

Me: are you teaching the nursing student how to gamble? Nurse: well… we’re not gonna let him go in there blind…

You don't often see this at the end of a whistleblower story:

can bad prose be sexually transmitted

Been waking up every day lately thinking about how I could choose to never blow a dick ever again

Generational Legos

Sandwich loose

Sucking Bill Clinton’s dick to own the libs

Well well well if it isnt the Blowjob Brothers

My badge reel got stuck and then suddenly snapped back, hitting me in the face with my hospital ID if you wonder how work is going today

if you can’t see the aurora borealis tonight, here is a sewer tunnel which is a wonder in itself.

Absolutely stunning

Holy smokes

No one: Baldur’s Gate: let’s have an orgy at the Druid party!

Look at this 19 year old best boy 🥰

Odie broke out of doggie daycare ☠️☠️☠️

Wooooo it started!!!!!

Pregnancy became far more dangerous in Texas after the state banned abortion, according to our analysis, which found the sepsis rate for women hospitalized as they miscarried in the 2nd trimester shot up by more than 50%. (Published February)

Dooo do do deee doo, just taking things apart and putting em together 🎶🎵🎶

On today’s adventures: Trying to figure out how to start and tune up a snowblower for the winter

One of our country's greatest war criminals just died, the president is arguing with himself about whether or not to let 40 million people starve, and there is an actual courtroom drama about a five dollar footlong. How are any of us supposed to maintain emotional regulation.

I will TENS myself out of stressed induced trapezius pain

The reason 42 million Americans are on SNAP is because employers aren’t paying living wages.

So happy. So peaceful. Zero idea she’s about to be put into a bee costume #hiBetty

I think we could fix a lot of problems if we encouraged white dudes to get back into creating nu-metal

Bought an old boom box a while back pre my life falling apart to retrofit. new goal to update the boom box

Sir, do you have ONE D battery? I’m lookin for a single D battery?

I need one of those red buttons that plays Lynyrd Skynyrds ‘Free Bird’ whenever there some shit coming into the ER

When Star Wars Episode I-3 came out I spent my entire middle school playing hide and seek with my friends and at the end we would beat each other up with cardboard lightsabers until everyone dramatically died

Print edition @theonion.com ads don’t miss

Pick your costume “I’m crawly creeper”

“She was built like a yield sign”

THIS IS A TWO SHOP VAC HOUSEHOLD

New wheels, who needs a ride?

Golden Corral Girls

I need some avocado toast brb

Getting a clean tear on that dot matrix printer paper 🤌🏻

makes me weep to think of the gifts robbed from us because unaffordable housing has made it difficult for people to pursue their passions and hobbies

Childhood Illnessmaxxing

Screaming <DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS> until I die of whooping cough

“Siobhan’s calling” is my safe word