As a kid I thought, "If you like waking up at midnight, when the Jews offer cake" was one of those odd American holidays nobody else does, like Thanksgiving.

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step. 1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish. 2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

Toughest congressperson in America rears back for a punch, and refuses to cut short townhall, after asshole sprays her with something.

I UGLY laughed at this

I've been doing Damp January. At the end of 2025 I needed a short course of antibiotics so I limited my alcohol intake quite sharply at a time of year when I'd usually indulge. I tried a whole bunch of different AF beers, and found a few I liked, so I bought loads and usually drink those now. /1

Democratic leadership is terrified of being seen on the side of the people of Minneapolis, least they lose the potential future support of pro-cop people whose support they do not and never will have.

I never thought the leopards would eat our faces, sob demographic where 7 out of 10 voted for Trump.

This is the future of pricing. Many grocery stores have been doing this, @ddayen.bsky.social has good reporting on this phenomenon/crime.

I got chiles They’re multiplying

Oh god

Open up this picture fully. Then look at the surface of Mars. Then look up to the top right. Spot Mars' moon Phobos high in the sky. Then notice the bright spot beside Phobos. That's Earth.

If you have 100 million pounds you can literally do anything you want from now until the day you die and still have more than you started with. Pass a bill that anyone with more than that is clearly mentally ill and should be forcibly committed and their assets above that applied to others care.

I miss the days when I could connect my Google phone to my Windows PC and transfer files via USB. They don't let you do that any more, as far as I can tell. You have to do 100kb/s bluetooth transfers instead because fuck you. And yes, I've done all the 14 things it says to do when you google. Nope.

Here are the 28 Dem Senators who voted to advance the first federal ban on trans athletes & a federal definition of sex that would make trans & intersex people non-existent: Angela Alsobrooks (MD), Tammy Baldwin (WI), Richard Blumenthal (CT), Lisa Blunt Rochester (DE), Chris Coons (DE), ->

We have 2 microchip cat feeders mostly so the neighbour cats don't eat their food but also so we know if one isn't eating. The dumb one always sits at the other one's feeder for ages before giving up and trying hers. Now the smart one has started sitting at the dumb one's. They're messing with me.

CTO in latest meeting: "I know people hang on to specific words I say and go, 'oh that means this' or 'it means that' - it doesn't mean anything." Not sure he meant to be that honest about senior management briefings.

Quoted here we have Sharron Davies talking about an FoI filed by the Women's Rights Network. None of the people who committed these crimes were trans. Not one. 4.8% were cis male staff.

"Anyone who missed the call on code security needs to complete this online course on Data." "What if I was on the call but playing Candy Crush on my phone instead of paying attention?"

“I bring you fun” “I bring you sunshine” “I bring you love” The Three Morecambe and Wise Men.

My mother-in-law has dementia and while she was over for Sunday dinner we watched Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing. She can't remember what we talked about 5 minutes ago but she knew Teddy's the dog and Bob's the novice and it's telly she can enjoy. Wonderful. www.mortimerandwhitehouse.co.uk

Watching Mortimer and Whitehouse Go Fishing always increases the "love you" to and from my spouse cos they're lovely blokes

Not rude things, a thread:

If there is an afterlife, some people still won't go anywhere because there's just nothing inside them. We should stop putting those people in charge of shit.

Remember, being truthful in a relationship is important. Her: What, do you think there's a washing fairy that does all your washing for you? Me: Well... Yeah.

Congratulations #Scotland for qualifying for the #WorldCup. What a goddamn roller coaster of a match. I laughed, I cried, I actually clapped the last goal. Emotionally drained and I'm not even Scottish. Genuinely thought they were going to fuck it up AGAIN.

*chef's kiss* 10/10 no notes

Takes all the benefits of living in the UK and as soon as he has to give back he fucks off. Deep down he knows that even the people he calls friends despise him.

I haven't seen New York this happy since the Ghostbusters defeated Gozer.

every sports team is a Ship of Theseus

Higgledy piggledy Timothée Chalamet Has a name meriting Endless design Much like his forerunner Benedict Cumberbatch: Hexasyllabically, Easy to rhyme

In honor of National Poetry Day, the greatest parody rewrite of all time:

ADL *AGAIN* bends over backwards for Nazis, erasing a resource and database to appease antisemitic scum:

(solemnly) You've had mail.

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

Dutch late night TV has its take

They're not from here, they don't share our values and culture, they don't respect women and most of them are violent criminals. The far right should leave London.

Saw Hilltop Hoods at the Roundhouse last night. Blinding gig. How they still have the energy is beyond me. Love the introvert anthem www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOrz...

Again.

When Ted Turner asked Carl Sagan if he was a socialist, Sagan gave the answer America keeps failing to learn.

Aussie unions don’t beat around the bush.

Catastrophic subtitling on the 1941 movie "Love on the Dole". (It should read "She's a strange lass, is our Sal"...)

t's amazing how this is from more than 20 years ago but very well could have been from today.

this must be the large language model everyone's talking about

Friend: would you like to come to my west coast swing dance? Me: is that a dance of West coast swing, or a swing dance on the West coast? Friend: oh most people think of East coast swing when they hear swing, but it's quite different on the West coast. So glad you're interested! 1/2

B.R.F.R.O.

From Larry & Paul at Broken News. It's the place we're in when satire is closer to the truth than most media organisations. Give them a follow. You need their work in your life. Nicely done, lads 🤝 @larryandpaul.bsky.social youtu.be/WmFD42E5_W4?...

Really pleased with 6 squareword.org 1270: 6 guesses 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟨🟩 🟨🟩🟨🟨🟨 <6:🟩 <11:🟨 <16:🟧 16+:🟥 #squareword #squareword1270

Ordered something from @debenhams.bsky.social on Sunday 13th, Evri says they've got it Monday 14th. Expected delivery date Monday 21st. Wish I wasn't boycotting Amazon now.