I swear if someone steals my Antifa yogurt from the Antifa fridge in the Antifa lounge one more time... This is so not worth the commute.

Dearest Mother, The pescatarian brigade was flanked by our masked foes. The zither players sounded their alarm, but Vegan company could lend no aid, for the pepper spray ICE used upon them was processed in a plant that also processes turkey jerky. All may be lost. #WarRavagedPortland

Random General: Secretary Hegseth, sir, that could have been an email. Hegseth: You can't go out drinking later with an email. General: That doesn't make sense. Hegseth: You're right. I drink with emails all the time.

I really did make lemon cherry oat scones for breakfast this morning. No photo evidence tho.

Alien: Earth is so good. SO good. Great cast. Powerful dialogue. Incredible sets. Beautifully shot. And if you want to see xenomorphs ripping through armed, masked, corporate thugs, you won't be disappointed.

I'm in denial about the number of times per day I mentally ask myself, "Can I go home now?"

Trump: "So when we indict Comey, can we also make him walk up a faulty escalator and give a speech on a faulty teleprompter?" Pam Bondi: "Yes, Master. Of course, Great One."

Summary of Trump’s speech to the UN today: 1. Your countries all suck. 2. None of you know what you are doing. 3. The US is better at everything. 4. All because of me. 5. I’m right about everything. 6. You should listen to me & do what I say. 7. And give me lots of awards.

Kamala is telling the truth. I like her. But I dunno, gang. I'm still hearing attempts at folksiness that sound out of touch. And hand-wringing about truly progressive policies. And commitment to the same form of capitalism that got us here. I'm hearing establishment.

Disney better offer some sweet deals to everyone who unsubscribed before those folks figure out they don't miss it.

The Bengals have turned the ball over, not just on their last 3 possessions, but on their last 3 SNAPS. Painful.

If I were to, say, accept a $50,000 bribe from the feds, I'd probably spend it on hardscaping. That way, if the government wanted that taxpayer money back, they'd have to confiscate boulders. Just random thoughts in a kleptocracy.

Just another day in the swamp. At any other time, in any other administration, this guy would be out of a job and preparing for trial.

when you didn't sleep well and then your team loses and then mosquitoes start attacking you and the day just needs to end

This summer we bought a vacant lot next to our house. Since then, we've gotten a deluge of mail from fraudsters. Some of it looks like official mail from our bank. Sure would be nice if that 20% of the FBI that's been diverted to round up grandpas with ICE could hunt these predators instead.

There are so many powerful people who will wear the stink of cowardice for the rest of their lives for their utter failure to stand up to this weak-ass authoritarian.

Oh no! Did he say that Trump won the 2020 election or that we should murder unhoused people? That would certainly merit cancellation.

Me: "When this toaster dies, I'll buy a toaster oven." [20 years later] Toaster:

Watching Alien: Earth and very pleasantly surprised to hear this amazing TOOL song at the end of episode 2. www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1tI...

Whoa.

US President back-pedalling furiously after his administration treated some innocent hard-working Koreans like they were innocent hard-working Latinos.

"…and Magda Goebbels made a great strudel.”

People missing an important point about folks getting fired for whatever they said about Charlie Kirk: Americans are being conditioned to be snitches on their fellow citizens who don’t toe a party line on what is “allowed” to be expressed. And employers are going along. It’s the new secret police

A national gender reveal party but instead of gender they release the Epstein files.

fbi puts another one in the books. closing the case the way most crime is solved: someone calls and tells them who did it.

What I wouldn't give to hear Kash Patel's inner monologue as he cosplays as a tough guy FBI Director. Or maybe not.

If the Epstein files finally are released, maybe the canonization of Kirk will fade. One of his last acts of flip-flopping to protect PEDOnald. Not his signature? Really?

Sure seems like Big Pharma spent way way more energy, money and lobbying capital on fighting Dems on prescription drugs than doing anything about the Secretary of HHS casually, and without any real evidence, telling everyone their products kill kids and give them autism.

My 27-year marriage: Fueled by quesadillas. Maintained by separate blankets. Seasoned with laughter and lots of Thank-you's.

Future grad student historians will need to confer with their universities' psych departments to parse through how MAGA, so obsessed with catching and killing pedophiles, worshipped one all along.

Wait so blockchain isn't just a move I use to survive my weekend Collosseum-style street brawls?

Yale Law is like Hogwarts for supervillains.

I think I just set a new speed record for blocking a porn account that followed me.

RFK's smugness is infuriating. He's so convinced that he's a lone beacon of truth. And yet when confronted with his own words, he defaults to lying. ("I didn't say that!") Was the brain worm on heroin, too?

Blowing up boats that might have drug runners and might be fishermen will definitely curb Americans' appetite for drugs.

If releasing the Epstein files would end your presidency, then your presidency needs to end.

Burps a lot LOL

Ya'll he's turning into the painting he hated. I don't know what kind of f'd up Dorian Gray shit this is, but I'm here for it.

The National Guardners

Question regarding Trump voodoo dolls: Do I needle the cankles to make to make the swelling worse? Or will needling the cankles help to drain the pressure? Or is that acupuncture? I'm so confused.

JD Vance is wondering why you're not more grateful for the following: 1. Grocery prices 2. An American manufacturing renaissance 3. The newly-gilded Oval Office 4. JD Vance

What is WRONG with people? What kind of arsehole supports this? SICKENING

Maybe someday Dakota Johnson will make a movie I'm actually interested in watching. Check that. I was interested in Persuasion. But then wow how disappointing.

I usually wait another month or so to get COVID and flu vaccines. But I'm getting them tomorrow, because who knows how long this administration will keep them available? How is this real life?

I was reading the owner's manual for my new dishwasher and the diagram for how to load it had the plates on the opposite side from how I do it and I screamed in horror.

Taylor, I don't listen to your music, but I did marry a big strong football player. And I haven't regretted it once. Marry that hunk of beef, girl!

Watch his eyes.

Today on my walk I cut through a parking lot and saw a screw on the ground. I picked it up and tossed it in a dumpster, so maybe someone won't get a flat tire. My question is: Where's my Nobel Peace Prize? See how dumb that sounds?

Chicago is next. Followed by Philly. Detroit. Milwaukee. They'll all be in place to intimidate voters during the midterms. All you so-called libertarians who spouted off for years about rising up against a tyrannical government, but are sitting on your hands now, can jump off a cliff.